Alaska! - Rescue Through Tomahawk

Ruby: I bet this would be better without all the skipping… what I can hear, I like.
Oswald: Sds lke grg rck srt f mmlies mts knks fffffffff. Kngs f ln.
Sirhaan: A little fast for my taste.
Hinckley: Skips around a lot. TiVo for the ADD crowd.
Love: skipping, broken disc music. The most beautiful music I never heard.
(ed. note: this CD was broken, but we didn't realize it until into the review)

Angiescreams - Radio

Ruby: This is Spacehog playing Led Zeppelin songs. Epic and wonderful, excellent production, not much new.
Oswald: Patronizing cock rock vocals, this dude gets chicks, but not the ones you want.
Sirhaan: No one wants another Guns'N'Roses. I predict pretty boy looks like Axle in 5 years.
Hinckley: Very handsome.
Love: Slo-mo Axl Rose. The music is ok.

The Bangkok Five - 10 The Hard Way

Ruby: More jumpy disco-new-rock… move over Franz, now there's something rockinger. Straight up solid rock'n'roll.
Oswald: Aerosmith, spot on. Sleazy, energetic, and completely irrelevant.
Sirhaan: Same vocals as The Killers. Just about rocks the same.
Hinckley: Straight-ahead rock, sounds like your favorite denim jacket went out drinking with high school drop-outs.

Billy Brush - Lair

Ruby: Brilliant keyboard music ranging from Bach-ish pieces to Freur-style techno. Varied and beautiful, but weird.
Oswald: Smooth, cool and seductive. Pink Floyd & Tangerine Dream.
Sirhaan: Music for the adult contemporist that isn't an adult yet.
Hinckley: Swirly, faraway, movie-ready, very professional, ornamental, car commercial music.

Jason Dove - Pronto

Ruby: The rockingest indie rock record in indie rock. Kid's got identity problems… sometimes cool, though.
Oswald: Half turtleneck-ivy-league-come-down music, half hopped up on Golden Earring stoner rock.
Sirhaan: Multiple personality band, sadly with no likeable personalities.
Hinckley: Boring in a pleasant way. Needs a lot of editing.
Love: The Edgar Winter thing kind of throws me off. What the fuck?

Elliston - When Caught In A Panic

Ruby: Which one is the evil twin? This guy, or Connor Oberst? Just as good.
Oswald: Legendary Pink Dots plus Bowie… Very enjoyable. Switches styles like shirts.
Sirhaan: A modern day Billy Joel, but way, WAY better.
Hinckley: Elliott Smith-ion, except he hasn't found the inner strangth to plunge a knife into his chest.

Ghosty - Grow Up Or Sleep In

Ruby: This must be Andy Partridge's cooler younger cousin who wears designer jeans and black t-shirts.
Oswald: Intentionally annoying Todd Rundgren shit. Piss off, jerky.
Sirhaan: Wow! They sound just like (insert-any-indie-rock-band-here).
Hinckley: XTC, Pavement, Sebadoh, The Saints, Mad-Lib… That genre.
Love: Jagged, brash piano pop. I will now go kill several persons, thanks.

The Kind Strangers - Still Building

Ruby: Low-beat semi-electronic pop. Modernized Pet Shop Boys without super-techno. Sharp sounds, nice grooves.
Oswald: Whines like a guy begging for sex. White R&B, like Justin Timberlake doing slow jams.
Sirhaan: A kind stranger would put this band out of their misery.
Hinckley: Uber 80's slow pop. Double, Spandau Ballet - cool atmosphere but lacks emotion.

Mohave - Clear Blue Trickling

Ruby: Schizophrenic Orlando country-folk-rock stuff. Good musicianship, but I'm a bit confused. Are they funny?
Oswald: The first song is HOT! Elvis on fire. Then hand-jive, bluegrass, and ska-rap. Make a choice.
Sirhaan: It's not funny to be funny. Pick a genre and do it well.
Hinckley: Novelty Elvis featured in a musical about a carnival.
Love: Please choose a style and call us back.

Mon Frere - Real Vampires E.P.

Ruby: Fucking Brilliant! Awesome female vocalist over schizophrenic music styles. Great musical tension, great sounds.
Oswald: Course Of Empire or Cop Shoot cop fronted by Poly Styrene. Very cool & soulful.
Sirhaan: Old School Gwen Stefani voice fronting a winning EMP pop band.
Hinckley: Thought it was going to be Frente! Thank God they rock. Sexy stuff.

New England Roses - Face Time With Son

Ruby: Music that almost isn't. So slow and quiet… at least they don't keep parents awake.
Oswald: Minimalist, Velvet Underground vibe. No concern for key, yet feels good.
Sirhaan: Almost good… but just not.
Hinckley: Good music for rowing a lifeboat.
Love: Outsider Art Music. Beatnigs. Bootsauce.

Thao Nguyen - Like The Linen

Ruby: Folky Edie Brickell style songs. Entrancing voice, clever lyrics, cool sounds, excellent production, great songs.
Oswald: Joni Mitchell on a Tom Waits bender. Hip girl making folk cool. Smile-inducing.
Sirhaan: Good ingredients, decently shaken and mixed, then well baked. I find it yummy.
Hinckley: Brilliant lyrics. Turns a phrase with simple wording… but expresses complex ideals sweetly.

Pattern Is Movement - Stowaway

Ruby: Well recorded math rock. Awesome if you can disconnect long enough. Interesting and mobile.
Oswald: Awkward - Michael Stipe gone angular. Music played through a prism. Disjointed.
Sirhaan: Is this math rock? Or post rock?
Hinckley: Honor student's thesis math rock.

Poop Yer Pants - Poop Yer Pants

Ruby: Epic indie rock - chock full of noisy guitars, great melodies… a noisier version of Real People.
Oswald: Exactly what the name implies, only not as funny.
Sirhaan: Reminds me of some forgotten mid-nineties band. I sure liked that band.
Hinckley: Clever, daydream-like folksy rock. Not much vocal range.

Tim Reale - Story

Ruby: Glittering Americana pop. Growly vocals over jangly alt-country. Great guitars, well-written songs, cool vibe.
Oswald: Like forced labor listening to his strained vocal rhythms. Uninspired, plodding songs.
Sirhaan: Singer/songwriter Dylan style for the musically simple.
Hinckley: I like Wilco, too, Tim. And the Replacements. But I don't imitate them.

Solea - Solea

Ruby: Uplifting modern rock - excellent guitar work, nice laid back songs. Just good rock music.
Oswald: Beige rock. Not bad, but not gripping. The kids will like it.
Sirhaan: Despite waiting for the Jesus loves you line, it isn't too bad.
Hinckley: Rocking in a thoughtful, inspirational way.
Love: The modern version of the band in "Do That Thing You Do".

This Is A Process Of A Still Life - Light

Ruby: Beautiful ambient rock. Enough movement to captivate, not so much to disturb. Perfect sleepy music.
Oswald: Dreamy, pleasant… watching plants grow in fast motion music.
Sirhaan: Really mellow and very very nice.
Hinckley: Pretty & sad, like an elegant widow or waking up from a coma.
Love: If you were stranded in outer space, what one album would you want?

Two Year Touqe - The Midi West

Ruby: On the indie side of jangle rock… poppy and very clever. Smart, fun, goofy, excellent.
Oswald: What Poop Yer Pants should be… funny and dorky. Crazy Mary/They Might Be Giants.
Sirhaan: Fun, hip, Paul & Paula. My six-year-old will dig it, but so do I.
Hinckley: Perverted playskool; fun, entertaining birthday party jusic for adolescents who skip multiple grades.