"Because hell, hell is for children
Be prepared, Christian masses, for the upcoming onslaught on your
faith. The eve of Lucifer's annual test is near. Just as the Devil
tempted Jesus when he was starving for 40 days in the desert, he
now circles all of his followers looking for those who would turn
their backs on the truth of his salvation.
It is no coincidence at all that Girl Scout cookies arrive during
Lent, a time when Christians are expected to exercise self-denial
to prepare themselves for the celebration of Christ's ascension.
Many Christians take the easiest road of denying themselves sweets,
versus the more arduous vices such as smoking, drinking and recreational
drugs. Many miscalculate the ease of giving up sweets - and Satan
preys upon them, putting many wayward Christian souls on layaway.
Satan knows how hard it can be to give up sweets. Satan knows only
too well. Girl Scout cookies are the litmus test for the hell-bound.
It was Satan himself who first put Thin Mints in the freezer! It
was Satan himself who crafted the Samoa to resemble a doughnut!
It was Satan himself who assembled two cookies together with a cream
center to become the Do-si-do!
Little girls may be sugar and spice and everything nice, but it's
the bad little girls who grow up to perish as wicked women that
Satan reconstitutes in his brimstone bakery and sends up through
the crust of the earth in colorful boxes to entice the weak-willed
to come to him when their days are over. His cruelty knows no bounds
- his appetite for human souls in limitless. It is well-known that
Satan himself does not eat cookies. The rumor that can never be
confirmed is that he doesn't even lick the blades of the blender
when he's making his evil biscuits.
Little girls cannot be faulted - it was the Devil's dastardly artifice
to find the most angelic of all God's children to unwittingly do
his bidding. What Christian heart could be so cold as to look upon
the face of an angel and say, "No thank you, I'm currently
fasting and I'm afraid you will have to raise funds for your noble
cause in some other way"? Believe this - Lucifer would find
other ways. For if every one of Christ's followers could foreswear
cookies, he would equip those same little girls with more irresistible
fare. What if those same little girls sold scratch tickets? What
No, the only way to properly dismiss these temptations is to give
the Girl Scouts the money you owe them and let them know that you
harbor no hatred for them, that you forgive them for the evil they
peddle and then (and this is important) put on disposable gloves
to handle the box of cookies, place them on the floor, cast Satan
out by shouting at him "Satan be gone! The power of Christ
compels you!" and then stamp on the box until you are sure
that there isn't a cookie intact.
Make sure you clean up after yourself afterwards. It would be in
your best interest to have your broom and dust-buster blessed by
an ordained minister before cleaning up. It is very hard to get
damned and reconstituted souls out of cleaning tools, although Orange-Glo
seems to be effective.
-William Cadillac Donovan
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