"Because hell, hell is for children …"

Be prepared, Christian masses, for the upcoming onslaught on your faith. The eve of Lucifer's annual test is near. Just as the Devil tempted Jesus when he was starving for 40 days in the desert, he now circles all of his followers looking for those who would turn their backs on the truth of his salvation.

It is no coincidence at all that Girl Scout cookies arrive during Lent, a time when Christians are expected to exercise self-denial to prepare themselves for the celebration of Christ's ascension. Many Christians take the easiest road of denying themselves sweets, versus the more arduous vices such as smoking, drinking and recreational drugs. Many miscalculate the ease of giving up sweets - and Satan preys upon them, putting many wayward Christian souls on layaway. Satan knows how hard it can be to give up sweets. Satan knows only too well. Girl Scout cookies are the litmus test for the hell-bound.

It was Satan himself who first put Thin Mints in the freezer! It was Satan himself who crafted the Samoa to resemble a doughnut! It was Satan himself who assembled two cookies together with a cream center to become the Do-si-do!

Little girls may be sugar and spice and everything nice, but it's the bad little girls who grow up to perish as wicked women that Satan reconstitutes in his brimstone bakery and sends up through the crust of the earth in colorful boxes to entice the weak-willed to come to him when their days are over. His cruelty knows no bounds - his appetite for human souls in limitless. It is well-known that Satan himself does not eat cookies. The rumor that can never be confirmed is that he doesn't even lick the blades of the blender when he's making his evil biscuits.

Little girls cannot be faulted - it was the Devil's dastardly artifice to find the most angelic of all God's children to unwittingly do his bidding. What Christian heart could be so cold as to look upon the face of an angel and say, "No thank you, I'm currently fasting and I'm afraid you will have to raise funds for your noble cause in some other way"? Believe this - Lucifer would find other ways. For if every one of Christ's followers could foreswear cookies, he would equip those same little girls with more irresistible fare. What if those same little girls sold scratch tickets? What then?

No, the only way to properly dismiss these temptations is to give the Girl Scouts the money you owe them and let them know that you harbor no hatred for them, that you forgive them for the evil they peddle and then (and this is important) put on disposable gloves to handle the box of cookies, place them on the floor, cast Satan out by shouting at him "Satan be gone! The power of Christ compels you!" and then stamp on the box until you are sure that there isn't a cookie intact.

Make sure you clean up after yourself afterwards. It would be in your best interest to have your broom and dust-buster blessed by an ordained minister before cleaning up. It is very hard to get damned and reconstituted souls out of cleaning tools, although Orange-Glo seems to be effective.

-William Cadillac Donovan

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