"I'm not your stepping stone
There was a time long ago when airline travel meant attractive
stewardesses, hot meals, free movies and occasional empty seats.
Now, thanks to the omnipresent threat of terrorism, airline travel
has become an ordeal to be dreaded and EVERYBODY is being held hostage.
Recently an elderly gentleman had several misunderstandings about
how a metal detector works and kept twenty people from speeding
through security. (Yes, a belt buckle will set off a metal detector.
Yes, a cell phone will set off a metal detector. Yes, a tin of mints
will set off a metal detector. It's tin, for Christ's sake.)
In the interest of returning airline travel to its former glory
(with the exception of attractive stewardesses - they will forever
remain nostalgic fantasies), the following is a list of suggestions
which would prove to be better, more cost-effective and less invasive
measures in the war against terrorism:
1. All skyscraping buildings, court houses and federal buildings
should have surface to air missiles installed on the roofs. The
thumb-suckers who would oppose such a plan should be profiled and
wire-tapped. They are every bit the enemy.
2. All physical education classes should have at least a semester
of martial arts. Those who show a great promise and have the necessary
broken background (orphans who lost their parents to the callous
actions of criminal syndicates and depraved psychopaths) combined
with a strong sense of morality and revenge fantasies should be
selected for special training under Steven Seagal to become the
vanguard of our security. These ass-kickers should be rewarded for
their highest levels of dedication with anonymous jobs (baggage
handler, crossing guard, line cook) where they can find themselves
in the right place at the right time to take control of a situation
with lethal skills and lone-wolf bloodlust. They should also have
ponytails - all of them.
3. We should lessen our dependency on foreign oil through windmills
and invasions of oil-rich countries, annexing them to the union
and thereby making them domestic instead of foreign. There is no
reason to admit Puerto Rico to the Union when Saudi Arabia is readily
4. No more Canadians. Period. They blend in too easily.
5. Every Starbucks should be retrofitted to act as a command and
control center. They should also serve ice cream. It's unclear why
they sell ice cream in the grocery stores but fail to carry it in
their retail outlets. Also, their donuts are due for an upgrade.
A command center has no control without donuts and the donuts at
Starbucks are truly woeful, lacking the sweet airy deliciousness
of even the worst supermarket-branded box.
6. More profiling should be done at rental centers - specifically
the Ryder organization. For whatever reason, Ryder trucks seem to
be popular as truck bombs. Perhaps it's the leniency of their insurance
7. God should be replaced on all currency with Crom. "In Crom
We Trust". One nation under Crom - it worked for Conan.
8. All US servicemen should wear fearsome wooly beards. All US
servicewomen should keep Chinese throwing stars tucked in their
9. Back-issues of pornographic magazines should be airdropped all
over the semi-autonomous region between Pakistan and Afghanistan.
Masturbation is traditionally a solitary activity. Keeping terrorists
from banding together is of utmost importance.
10. The guy who draws the "Zippy" cartoon should devote
himself to daily caricatures of the prophet Mohammad. Nobody reads
11. Foreign students should be required to take out student loans.
Believe it - we would know exactly where Osama Bin Laden is if he
was delinquent on his payments.
12. When did landmines get such a bad name?
13. It is mind-boggling how we're losing the propaganda war in
the Middle Eastern countries. Pixar, do your job! We are a nation
that believes penguins can learn how to tap-dance and our literacy
rates are significantly higher than any country in the Middle East.
What on earth is the hold-up?
-William Cadillac Donovan
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