"So where are the strong, and who
are the trusted?"
There's something overlooked about polar bears as their native
habitat melts away and their more natural prey becomes more difficult
to find. Polar bears eat people. They make very little distinction
between seals and people, even people who wear faux fur as a matter
of ethical principle. While unproven, it's believed that people
who wear Ugg boots are especially susceptible to attack as they
would appear to polar bears as people with seal pups clinging to
The age-old problem in all human experience with polar bears is
that we don't really know when they're going to attack, disrupting
supply lines to the northern ice cube fields and hampering communication
with toy workshops (communicating with the toy workshops via cellular
or microwave transmission is prone to disruption from solar flares).
Recent warming trends have also resulted in increased competition
for harbor seal pups between humans and polar bears. The scarcity
and diminishing size of the harbor seal pups has necessarily resulted
in additional stitching to make a handsome coat, raising the prices
dramatically. Economically speaking, people and polar bears are
at loggerheads on this and a number of other issues, with the outlook
very dire for the polar bears.
However, it doesn't have to be this way.
Recently, several polar bears have been born in captivity in the
world's zoos where they have achieved celebrity status. In an unexpected
win-win, they seem to favor carefree frolicking and easy-to-catch
buckets of fish rather than angrily wandering around the thinning
ice of the polar landscape. The taste of this luxury may prove to
be the olive branch between us. Having the upper hand, we should
show mercy and broker an arrangement with these dangerous, marauding
animals so as to allow them the dignity they deserve before they
are erased forever.
We should grant the polar bears their own sovereign nation and
appoint an oversight committee to look after their welfare. The
following are recommendations to address site selection, funding
1. Site - Berlin would be the best site for the polar bears. The
status the aforementioned polar bear cubs have received here suggests
that the Germans might even be eager to part with a swath of land
with the chance of seeing a bounty of polar bear cubs. The climate
of Germany suits polar bears very well and the Germans have proven
to be understanding hosts to any number of foreigners, so long as
they're not Turkish. However, polar bears do enjoy swimming, so
accommodations should be made to find a location in Berlin near
a large, seal-rich body of water. If a large seal-rich body of water
cannot be located, Halliburton should be contracted to build one.
Halliburton can build nearly anything, provided they have access
to unlimited funding (see 2).
2. Funding - Polar bears should receive royalties on all sales
of Klondike bars. The misappropriation of the image of polar bears,
while not demeaning, should certainly be addressed in court. A settlement
should be applied towards ensuring that the next generation of polar
bears will have never-ending buckets of fish. The precedent set
several years ago when panda bears successfully sued several prominent
restaurant chains for the misappropriation of their image (resulting
in a windfall of fresh bamboo) should be grounds enough for an out
of court settlement. Furthermore, polar bears do not enjoy Coca-Cola
products no matter what that firm's holiday commercial depicts.
The insulting inaccuracy continues when the featured polar bear
finishes the soft drink and doesn't immediately eat the jolly old
man who offered it. Jolly old men are a treat polar bears enjoy
very much. As noted before, polar bears relish people nearly as
much as seals and buckets of fish (especially the slow, jolly trusting
type - they're often likened to a confectionary sausage) and Coca-Cola
should settle this libel with an appropriate tonnage of fish buckets.
In short, legal action will provide the necessary funding.
3. Administration - Polar bears should be represented in the United
Nations by a dynamic character who understands the dispossessed.
Somebody who understands what it is to be wronged. Somebody with
a background in organizing large groups of people. Somebody strong
enough to stage a hunger strike for the rights of others without
actually losing any weight. Somebody like Al Sharpton. Al
Sharpton actually makes an ideal candidate as he spends every waking
hour outraged, making him better suited for this position than somebody
who may occasionally be jolly. Jolly people have sweet jelly bellies,
making them nearly irresistible treats to even the best-intentioned
polar bear. Outraged people have a tendency to be bitter, making
them slightly less desirable than a bucket of fish. So long as Mr.
Sharpton always carries a bucket of fish on state visits, he should
be able to ward off attack and continue his noble work.
-William Cadillac Donovan
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