Features
Reviews
Must Hear Music
Reviews Archives
Archives
Bargain Basement
Downloads
Music DVD
Upstart
Pipsqueaks
 
 
 
Features
Reviews
Archives
Send Us Mail
Contact Us
 
 
 

"So where are the strong, and who are the trusted?"

There's something overlooked about polar bears as their native habitat melts away and their more natural prey becomes more difficult to find. Polar bears eat people. They make very little distinction between seals and people, even people who wear faux fur as a matter of ethical principle. While unproven, it's believed that people who wear Ugg boots are especially susceptible to attack as they would appear to polar bears as people with seal pups clinging to their feet.

The age-old problem in all human experience with polar bears is that we don't really know when they're going to attack, disrupting supply lines to the northern ice cube fields and hampering communication with toy workshops (communicating with the toy workshops via cellular or microwave transmission is prone to disruption from solar flares). Recent warming trends have also resulted in increased competition for harbor seal pups between humans and polar bears. The scarcity and diminishing size of the harbor seal pups has necessarily resulted in additional stitching to make a handsome coat, raising the prices dramatically. Economically speaking, people and polar bears are at loggerheads on this and a number of other issues, with the outlook very dire for the polar bears.

However, it doesn't have to be this way.

Recently, several polar bears have been born in captivity in the world's zoos where they have achieved celebrity status. In an unexpected win-win, they seem to favor carefree frolicking and easy-to-catch buckets of fish rather than angrily wandering around the thinning ice of the polar landscape. The taste of this luxury may prove to be the olive branch between us. Having the upper hand, we should show mercy and broker an arrangement with these dangerous, marauding animals so as to allow them the dignity they deserve before they are erased forever.

We should grant the polar bears their own sovereign nation and appoint an oversight committee to look after their welfare. The following are recommendations to address site selection, funding and administration.

1. Site - Berlin would be the best site for the polar bears. The status the aforementioned polar bear cubs have received here suggests that the Germans might even be eager to part with a swath of land with the chance of seeing a bounty of polar bear cubs. The climate of Germany suits polar bears very well and the Germans have proven to be understanding hosts to any number of foreigners, so long as they're not Turkish. However, polar bears do enjoy swimming, so accommodations should be made to find a location in Berlin near a large, seal-rich body of water. If a large seal-rich body of water cannot be located, Halliburton should be contracted to build one. Halliburton can build nearly anything, provided they have access to unlimited funding (see 2).

2. Funding - Polar bears should receive royalties on all sales of Klondike bars. The misappropriation of the image of polar bears, while not demeaning, should certainly be addressed in court. A settlement should be applied towards ensuring that the next generation of polar bears will have never-ending buckets of fish. The precedent set several years ago when panda bears successfully sued several prominent restaurant chains for the misappropriation of their image (resulting in a windfall of fresh bamboo) should be grounds enough for an out of court settlement. Furthermore, polar bears do not enjoy Coca-Cola products no matter what that firm's holiday commercial depicts. The insulting inaccuracy continues when the featured polar bear finishes the soft drink and doesn't immediately eat the jolly old man who offered it. Jolly old men are a treat polar bears enjoy very much. As noted before, polar bears relish people nearly as much as seals and buckets of fish (especially the slow, jolly trusting type - they're often likened to a confectionary sausage) and Coca-Cola should settle this libel with an appropriate tonnage of fish buckets. In short, legal action will provide the necessary funding.

3. Administration - Polar bears should be represented in the United Nations by a dynamic character who understands the dispossessed. Somebody who understands what it is to be wronged. Somebody with a background in organizing large groups of people. Somebody strong enough to stage a hunger strike for the rights of others without actually losing any weight. Somebody like Al Sharpton. Al Sharpton actually makes an ideal candidate as he spends every waking hour outraged, making him better suited for this position than somebody who may occasionally be jolly. Jolly people have sweet jelly bellies, making them nearly irresistible treats to even the best-intentioned polar bear. Outraged people have a tendency to be bitter, making them slightly less desirable than a bucket of fish. So long as Mr. Sharpton always carries a bucket of fish on state visits, he should be able to ward off attack and continue his noble work.

-William Cadillac Donovan

Check out more columns

Talk Back
e-mail the chief

Like this article?
e-mail it to a friend!



Mike Doughty



none now
-------


South By Southwest 2014
David DeVoe

South By Southwest 2013
David DeVoe

Red Hook Music Festival
George Dow

SXSW 2012
David DeVoe

Our Favorite Records 2011
Hybrid Staff

AWOLNation
Rachel Fredrickson

Kanrocksas
Rachel Fredrickson

Warped Tour 2011
Rachel Fredrickson

Eddie Spaghetti
Melissa Skrbic-Huss

Murder By Death
Mike DeLeo


Mike Doughty
Boulder, CO

Epilogues
Denver, CO

Imagine Dragons
Denver, CO

Sebadoh
Cambridge, MA

Young Magic
Denver, CO

Warped Tour 2012
Denver, CO

Thrice
Denver, CO

Mike Doughty
Denver, CO

MuteMath
Kansas City, MO

Other Lives
Lawrence, KS

Los Campesinos
Boston, MA

The Civil Wars
Lawrence, KS

Ha Ha Tonka
Lawrence, KS

Thrice
Lawrence, KS


 
hybridmagazine.com is updated daily except when it isn't.
New film reviews are posted every week like faulty clockwork.
Wanna write for hybrid? Send us an e-mail.
© 1996-2009 [noun] digital media. All rights reserved worldwide. All content on hybridmagazine.com and levelheadedmusic.com is the intellectual property of Hybrid Magazine and its respective creators. No part of hybridmagazine.com or levelheadedmusic.com may be reproduced in any format without expressed written permission. For complete masthead and physical mailing address, Click Here.