"Don't go changing to try
and please me, you never let me down before
It's hard to find love in the big city, so much so that women occasionally
have to band together at coffee shops and compare notes. They want
so little - nothing more than a fireman with a trust fund who loves
children, cooking, rubbing feet, remembering anniversaries and holidays,
knows when to say the little things, isn't threatened by other men,
enjoys football but not as much as picking apples for the perfect
pie, reads regularly, can build a 'dry sink' out of driftwood, appreciates
quilted works of art
you get the idea.
Sometimes that man exists. When that man exists, it's only because
his peers failed to recognize what an emerging threat he was and
the appropriate actions (atomic sit-ups, noogies, etc.) were not
taken. Most of the time, when that emerging threat is recognized,
[the threat] is rehabilitated through time-honored traditions of
ridicule, cruelty and isolation. Men like that can really jack up
the curve. Without realistic expectations, women might begin to
think that every man should fit that stereotype.
For the sake of women, here are the very baseline standards you
should look for:
1. No al fresco urination. It's a very vestigial urge among men
that, after a few drinks, a trip outside to pee in the hedges, behind
trees, in alleys, on the sides of garages, makes perfect sense.
This can and should be overcome in a man's mid-twenties. However,
there are a few cautionary places this practice is still acceptable.
They are the golf course, the campsite, the hunted field and on
the back of a defeated rival if the man in question happens to be
a Shogun. The rules change considerably for a Shogun so from this
moment forward, this conversation will be limited to non-Shogun
2. No flipping of the boxers to avoid doing laundry. Your man should
always yearn for fresh drawers. If your man wears briefs, chances
are pretty good that he studied martial arts and harbored ambitions
on becoming a Shogun. Shoguns wear briefs
and they conceal
weapons in the waistbands. (Yes, yes
the limited Shogun conversation.
Shoguns are people too.)
3. Always stands to shake hands, unless he is disabled or restrained.
4. Does not buy pre-stressed or faded baseball caps to prove he
is a fan. If your man has a story about his old baseball cap, he
probably stopped sucking his thumb just before he got his driver's
license. If your man is from Boston, dump him. (Good for you
finally won a couple of times. Now go home.)
5. Does not wear fancy girl jeans. A man who wears fancy girl jeans
is, in a fact, one very fancy girl.
6. Shines his shoes. A man who shines his shoes takes pride in
himself. A man who doesn't shine his shoes is unbothered by skid
stains. It's not okay for a man to not know how to shine his shoes
unless he never plans on going to a wedding, a funeral or participating
in the normal life cycle of a human.
7. A man who is reckless with his money is probably reckless with
a lot of things, including guns, booze and his penis. He's probably
pretty phenomenal with that penis, though.
8. Knows very well what it's like to get punched and when to throw
a punch. The good rule of thumb here is 'first'.
9. Does not hide pornography under his mattress. He hides it on
his computer with a different log-in.
10. Buys flowers. A man who buys flowers knows that flowers say
those things men have a hard time saying, things like "Sorry",
"Thinking about you", "Mistakes were made",
"Frequently erect and anxious to prove it".
11. Grilling is supposedly a man's world but you want a guy who
can present a cooked breakfast as well. Breakfast meats actually
produce trace amounts of normalizing hormones. If your man's breakfast
begins and ends with a cereal box just know that you will never
get the prize.
12. A man who knows different types of women's shoes probably knows
what they look like facing the ceiling. A man who knows different
brands of women's shoes probably knows the saga of Bo and Hope.
You make the call.
13. A smart man carries an umbrella. It's impossible to share a
hooded sweatshirt with a woman.
14. A respectable man doesn't taunt the animals at the zoo, except
for the ones he's sure he can outrun.
15. Flosses regularly. Fears gingivitis and little else.
16. Opens the door for a woman, even if it's only to check out
her backside going through it.
17. Understands why there are two forks at fancy restaurants and
doesn't immediately pick them up and start playing paradiddles when
18. Does not eat clown food (fast food sold by clowns and cartoon
characters) unless there is a child or hypoglycemia present.
19. Does not get road rage. Agrees that life is too sweet to die
trying to prove himself behind the wheel of a car. If he's pressed,
he knows that giving the finger is an act best done with an open
window and the thumb splayed away from the main body of the bird
as he knows that tucking your thumb in is the sign of being a peevish
tight ass - which invites rage and ridicule.
20. Does not collect nail clippings. Certainly does not collect
nail clippings for the purpose of gluing them to construction paper
in the shape of a heart as a clumsy and comical valentine.
21. Will buy tampons when provoked. Does not refer to tampons in
any unflattering terms.
22. Has a job and makes it there on time.
23. Plays video games in the hope of honing the reflexes he will
need to defend your honor, especially seeing as you were the one
obstacle that prevented him from becoming a Shogun.
-William Cadillac Donovan
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