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"You can't always get what you want ..."

In another grave sign that the end of all days may be nearing, Frito-Lay is no longer re-assuring us that that they will make more Doritos no matter how many we crunch. In reality, they're making as many as they can but it may not satisfy demand. It is impossible to ignore the impacts on the snacking industry from the hole in the ozone layer, sudden competition for corn from the bio-fuels industry, the recent flooding in the midwest, diseased cows being introduced into the food supply (What's the chance that you will get spongiform encephalitis from the cheese coating on a corn chip? Better than you think.), the concurrent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Ruben Stoddard's wedding reception.

Before the price of corn chip commodities jumps any further, we should stock up and replenish both our cupboards and our bomb shelters. It's also high time we, as Americans, recognize that our natural resources are finite and the twin harbingers of a collapsing ecosystem (the disappearance of frogs, the sudden spike in the price of corn chips) have arrived.

In the meantime, Frito-Lay should firmly yet safely sound the alarm for those whose gluttonous behavior imperils the rest of the planet. As a responsible corporate citizen, Frito-lay must play a part in the process. Possibilities for marketing this caution include:

1. "Crunch only what you can eat" - Learn the capacity of your stomach and understand that it takes your stomach 20 minutes to signal that it's full. If you cannot judge this time accurately, time your roommate blow-drying her hair. That's about 20 minutes.

2. "Crunch All of Them and We're in Iraq Forever" - Crunching less reduces our dependence on foreign oil. This approach will appeal to people who put yellow ribbons on their cars. Pretty straightforward.

3."Please Crunch Responsibly" - This approach is taken straight from the alcoholic beverage industry where it has been a resounding success in reducing drunken driving and general mischief.

4. "Crunch by Crunch" - A different take with added health benefits, this approach would encourage people to do one stomach crunch per corn chip consumed. Less corn chips would be consumed and more attractive bodies would ensue as people around the nation tone up their core muscles.

5. "Lick, then crunch" - Perhaps we've just been in too much of a hurry for cheesy satisfaction. It's rumored that this approach allows Europeans to truly enjoy the foods they eat. Do you really think the Swiss invented fondue and don't enjoy cheesy snacks?

6. "Smoke More, Crunch Less" - Cars still don't run on tobacco. The only ancillary use for nicotine is still insecticide. You can smoke all you want and they're still going to make more cigarettes - believe it. Cigarettes didn't become more expensive because they became scarce, they became expensive because they're addictive, dangerous and very cool.

If all else fails, Frito-Lay may consider altering the formula for the Dorito into a wheat-based wafer which has proved to be very successful in keeping the Catholic population in check for years now. If Jesus himself had ordained that his body was to be consecrated into something resembling the Chips Ahoy cookie, we would all share a religion and live in peace.

-William Cadillac Donovan

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