"When you believe in things you
don't understand, then you suffer
It was great to find an eyelash this morning - it's not every day
you get to start out with a wish.
And what a day to start off with a wish! Today you go to see a
hypnotist for smoking cessation (and to possibly uncover repressed
memories that make you flinch every time you see an assembly of
In honor of wishes, let's take a look at some other time-honored
wish-granting events and their co-efficient of wish-granting strength,
(a measure of magic concentration/frequency of wish-making event).
1. Eyelashes - Nobody knows why eyelashes fall out but it does
happen pretty routinely, meaning that the co-efficient is actually
fairly low. Therefore, eyelashes don't have the strength to support
grandiose wishes. Wishes wished upon eyelashes find their greatest
success when wished upon leaky microwaves. Say, for instance that
you find an eyelash while re-heating a burrito and you believe that
the extra loud humming noise coming from your microwave may be errant
radiation escaping through a bad seal. You may even believe that
the radiation escaping from the microwave may have popped you in
the forehead and dislodged the eyelash by cooking the follicle it
was stationed in. Your best bet in a situation like this is to wish
it away and start eating a lot more cold-cuts. It's also very important
to note that a stolen eyelash affords no wish-making opportunity
so holding down another person and pulling out their eyelashes in
an effort to gain reward not only destroys the magic of an eyelash,
it also violates any number of laws, up to and including the Geneva
Convention (depending upon the location and the victim's status).
2. Shooting Stars - While shooting stars happen more routinely
than found eyelashes, their fleeting nature increases their magic
concentration many times leading to a much larger co-efficient and
makes them very useful for pie-in-the-sky dreaming. Shooting stars
are appropriate for determining career paths and matters of the
heart and should not be squandered on aging household appliances.
Also, many people confuse satellites and tracer rounds from anti-aircraft
guns as shooting stars. Many wishes went unanswered in Baghdad as
the fool's gold of air defense marked the onset of hostilities and
not the arrival of spectacular love and prosperity as it would have
3. Four-Leaf Clover - A rare genetic mutation, the four leaf clover
is much rarer than the fallen eyelash and should be used on betting
slips. The intensity of the magic is lost after one use, though
so four-leaf clovers should be used in the same manner as a sanitary
4. Genie-in-a-lamp - The ultimate in wish-granting ability, the
genie-in-a-lamp is both elusive and only available in troubled areas
of the globe, meaning necessarily that a genie-trapped-in-a-lamp
is just as dangerous as any other WMD.
5. Birthday Candles - Birthday wishes rarely come true. You'd be
married to a Playmate already if this really worked.
6. The Pooping Cow - In every herd of cattle greater than 50 head,
at least one is about to poop. If you can spy the tail of the cow
of the cow about to poop (straight out with a slight lift at the
base), you should quickly make a wish that will help to lift the
dark cloud from a friend. The Pooping Cow can only grant a moment
of peace to somebody [that] you love who needs it most. Find The
Pooping Cow and know that you're going to make somebody else smile.
-William Cadillac Donovan
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