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"Judgment Day, the second coming arrives, before you see
the light you must die …"
With the Democratic National Convention approaching soon, it's
understandable that many people have concerns that the nomination
might be unfairly determined by something called a "superdelegate"
- a party voter who wields an inordinate amount of power owing to
their status as a former office-holder or party official.
This thorny issue can be fixed in time to prevent another crisis
in American politics. There is no reason why the average American
cannot help to choose the superdelegates who will represent nearly
one fifth of the delegate vote at the DNC. As it stands, Americans
love to vote.
Listed below is a list of potential superdelegates pulled from
past and present seasons of American Idol and ranked by the
potential voting power (with dollar signs representing 10,000 votes
each) that each should be awarded. In addition, a quick explanation
as to why they should be awarded those votes is also introduced.
1. Fantasia ($$$$$) - The next Oprah. This cannot
be understated.
2. Paula Abdul ($$$$$) - She is forever your girl. 30 million
albums sold over her career. Wrote the benchmark study that would
later found the field of Vibeology. Is revered by vibeologists worldwide
for finding the causal link between vibes and the funky way.
3. Ryan Seacrest ($$$$) - His fame is almost inexplicable.
Assumed the Mantle of Ubiquity from Dick Clark and was voted
one of 2005's most eligible bachelors. Will never age after securing
water rights to the Fountain of Youth, guaranteeing that he will
receive 6 acre-feet of life-affirming water yearly from a rumored
wellspring which has a projected output of 6.2 acre-feet yearly.
4. Carrie Underwood ($$$) - Sold over 11 million albums worldwide.
Has been voted Most Sexy Vegetarian by PETA twice now, an impressive
award granted only after random testing proves that a candidate's
fecal matter contains no trace of offal. Has won 3 Grammys. Was
smart enough to recognize that Tony Romo is a hapless choke artist.
5. Randy Jackson ($$) - While he has lost 100 pounds, it's
arguable that he was never really larger than life. Would have been
hard to identify if he was strolling through an airport without
paparazzi. Nevertheless, his concern for his health outweighs Ruben
Studdard's concern for his own health by 30 pounds. He is unquestionably
the most legitimate musician on this list and deserves special merit
(along with Carrie Underwood) because he can actually play an instrument.
6. Clay Aiken ($$) - What happens to a campaign when Clay
Aiken gets involved? It becomes a juggernaut. Watch the electricity
dance from his fingertips when he's closing Kelly Ripa's
mouth and it's apparent why she has every reason to fear where that
hand has been. It's a good bet that she was worried that Aiken had
recently been coronated a prince by the Lord of the Flies himself
and that his fingers had become scepters of evil capable of blackening
the purest heart after brokering a deal with His Satanic Majesty,
only bettered by Ruben Stoddard. It is also possible that she was
concerned that he didn't wash his hands after fisting, but in all
likelihood she was more concerned that his mere touch would put
her soul in mortal jeopardy.
7. Kelly Clarkson ($$) - Has sold over 18.7 million albums
worldwide and has won two Grammys. Waning popularity. One of her
hits ("Breakaway") was co-written by Avril Lavigne,
a well-known Canadian poseur. It is possible that Kelly Clarkson
has provided a 'safe harbor' for Canadians who have abandoned their
trap lines for the glitter of Hollywood. Everybody knows that without
a secure border Canadians will keep flooding [into] the United States,
draining our system of taxpayer-funded services and driving wages
down.
8. Ruben Studdard ($) - 2.4 million albums sold worldwide. Dropped
70 pounds on a vegetarian diet. The rest of his body weight was
recently dropped from his record label.
9. Daughtry ($) - The most successful contestant who was
not in a finale. What exactly does this say? Don't put too much
thought into it. There are better mysteries out there.
10. Jordin Sparks ($) - She sang the national anthem at the
Superbowl but she didn't sing at halftime.
11. Taylor Hicks (.001$) - Has gray hair. Backed by rabid
fans known as the Soul Patrol who have been stirred to gather since
losing touch with estranged doobie Michael McDonald.
12. Simon (none) - For starters, Simon is English and can't
legally vote. Even if Simon were to petition to become an American
citizen, it should be noted that he also feels he should be paid
more than Bruce Springsteen. This alone brings to question
why he hasn't already been deported.
-William Cadillac Donovan
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