"Bittersweet memories, that is all
I'm taking with me
If there's something we can take away from the unfortunate rash
of celebrity deaths in the past couple of days, it's this - it's
very important to die like a celebrity.
Dying like a regular everyday person almost makes the point that
we are nothing more than dust waiting to be returned and that's
no way to live life. The only way to truly enjoy life is to know
that at the end of it, a news story will be generated that will
guarantee a garish display of flowers, teddy bears, candles and
mementos will be piled upon the spot where you have finally expired.
Here's a rundown of the best ways to die:
1. Ghost Jet - The ultimate celebrity death, this is the way Payne
Stewart blinked out and this is the way you want to go. Somehow,
you have become successful enough to actually have a private jet
flying you someplace that successful enough people gather to either
further their success or hobnob with other successful people to
gather tips on tax shelters. Unfortunately, something goes horribly
awry shortly after take-off and you are dead on your jet along with
everybody else onboard what has become, at that point, an unguided
missile. Why is this death so cool? Because the government has to
scramble fighter jets to keep you from killing more people. Even
in death you are a threat.
2. Autoerotic Asphyxiation - The new Viper Club. How cool are you?
Escorts and models with cocaine sprinkled on their genitals for
your consumption just don't do the trick anymore. The insatiable
desire for the ultimate spunk can only be found with a rope around
your neck tied to a doorknob and if you do this just right, a black
light will reveal a discharge that makes it seem like you had M-80s
3. Lost at Sea - Classic death. The bassist for Loverboy
was washed overboard and is now jamming in an Octopus's garden with
Davey Jones for eternity
and that's a jam you don't
want to miss. Know who your best friend is in the afterlife? Nemo.
Your likeness will be turned into an oak bust and you will crown
the bow of every ship going after the deadliest catch. This is your
best opportunity to be memorialized in scrimshaw.
4. Cut Down by a Light Saber - You are instantly canonized by nerds.
The downside is that it only takes two days as a holographic ghost
trapped in the eternity of the cosmos to realize what a humorless
stiff Kenobi really is.
5. Getting Stabbed in the Chest by a Stingray - Great way to go.
Athletic, adventurous, unexpected. The only way to improve on Steve's
death is to be found with one stingray dead in your mouth and a
fist punched through another one, so that they know you went down
6. Shot by a Deranged Fan - Getting a deranged fan isn't as difficult
as you might think. You can sing a song, write a book or give somebody
multiple orgasms. You'll know you've arrived when you carry a restraining
order with you wherever you go.
7. Baboon Heart Finally Gives Out - Back to the drawing board for
Dr. Moreau and the rest of the medical staff who are avoiding any
real medical licensing in the Caribbean clinic you checked into
for a half-rate nose job. This never really happened to a celebrity
but a few twists in the story and we've arrived at Anna
-William Cadillac Donovan
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