"Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me …"

If there's something we can take away from the unfortunate rash of celebrity deaths in the past couple of days, it's this - it's very important to die like a celebrity.

Dying like a regular everyday person almost makes the point that we are nothing more than dust waiting to be returned and that's no way to live life. The only way to truly enjoy life is to know that at the end of it, a news story will be generated that will guarantee a garish display of flowers, teddy bears, candles and mementos will be piled upon the spot where you have finally expired. Here's a rundown of the best ways to die:

1. Ghost Jet - The ultimate celebrity death, this is the way Payne Stewart blinked out and this is the way you want to go. Somehow, you have become successful enough to actually have a private jet flying you someplace that successful enough people gather to either further their success or hobnob with other successful people to gather tips on tax shelters. Unfortunately, something goes horribly awry shortly after take-off and you are dead on your jet along with everybody else onboard what has become, at that point, an unguided missile. Why is this death so cool? Because the government has to scramble fighter jets to keep you from killing more people. Even in death you are a threat.

2. Autoerotic Asphyxiation - The new Viper Club. How cool are you? Escorts and models with cocaine sprinkled on their genitals for your consumption just don't do the trick anymore. The insatiable desire for the ultimate spunk can only be found with a rope around your neck tied to a doorknob and if you do this just right, a black light will reveal a discharge that makes it seem like you had M-80s for testicles.

3. Lost at Sea - Classic death. The bassist for Loverboy was washed overboard and is now jamming in an Octopus's garden with Davey Jones for eternity …and that's a jam you don't want to miss. Know who your best friend is in the afterlife? Nemo. Your likeness will be turned into an oak bust and you will crown the bow of every ship going after the deadliest catch. This is your best opportunity to be memorialized in scrimshaw.

4. Cut Down by a Light Saber - You are instantly canonized by nerds. The downside is that it only takes two days as a holographic ghost trapped in the eternity of the cosmos to realize what a humorless stiff Kenobi really is.

5. Getting Stabbed in the Chest by a Stingray - Great way to go. Athletic, adventurous, unexpected. The only way to improve on Steve's death is to be found with one stingray dead in your mouth and a fist punched through another one, so that they know you went down fighting.

6. Shot by a Deranged Fan - Getting a deranged fan isn't as difficult as you might think. You can sing a song, write a book or give somebody multiple orgasms. You'll know you've arrived when you carry a restraining order with you wherever you go.

7. Baboon Heart Finally Gives Out - Back to the drawing board for Dr. Moreau and the rest of the medical staff who are avoiding any real medical licensing in the Caribbean clinic you checked into for a half-rate nose job. This never really happened to a celebrity …but a few twists in the story and we've arrived at Anna Nicole Smith.

-William Cadillac Donovan

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