"Look at you - you're a pageant, you're everything that I've
While you may view picking out the correct dog for yourself as
easy, she says she only wants a small dog. Without some guiding
criteria, you may end up walking the Snuggle Bear in a bedazzled
collar and you will feel as humiliated in front of the neighbors
as you would if they caught you slipping on a pair of cotton Hello
Kitty panties through your front window.
The following is a list of criteria that will allow you to keep
your masculinity while winning her over.
1. A dog must not be yappy. Nothing is more hellish than a dog
that loses its mind every time it hears something, whether it's
a knock at the door, a leaf blowing in the breeze or just plain
wide-eyed consciousness. Yappy dogs are best suited for environments
devoid of any noise - for instance, on a space station hundreds
of miles from earth. Additionally, a dog that quivers and needlessly
pees out of fright is asking to be released into the wild where
it will finally be found by those things that it has every reason
to be scared of.
2. A likeable dog must not get shit stuck in its fur. Skid stains
are repugnant, even more so when the skid-stained has to wear it
full-time until somebody with opposable thumbs and scissors decides
that the matted fecal matter is to blame for the constant boot-scooting.
3. A dog must be able to look its owner straight in the eyes. The
bug-eyed look is best on chickens. A good dog is not a chicken -
at least not in this country.
4. The dog must be reasonably smart. Dogs that chew on electrical
cords don't last long for good reason.
5. A respectable dog must be short-haired so as to eliminate constant
shedding but must also be really uncomfortable wearing a sweater.
Nobody wants a dog that's going to be an absolute nancy-pants about
cold weather. A respectable dog will understand that you, as its
owner, don't like to be chilly either and may come to resent the
dog for having to bundle up to go out into the freezing cold for
walks and anything that would make those frigid moments more comfortable
is counter-productive. In fact, a well-trained dog understands that
if it's held just outside the front door by the scruff of its neck
that it should fire out dirty business as though every meal from
that moment forward was dependent on it. No short-haired dog gets
to dally in the cold unless it has demonstrated the ability to make
waffles first thing in the morning. As a side-note on coat length
and shedding, dogs that supposedly don't shed are ideal, yet no
dog is truly hypo-allergenic, unless that dog is a pillow.
6. Nothing "tinkerbell" sized. Anything "tinkerbell"
sized had better come with fairy dust and the ability to grant wishes.
7. It is important that the dog still has some wild trait in it
that will compel it to chase after and confront other animals, regardless
of how overmatched the dog is. In this respect, a dog should carry
itself with pride and it should be reflected in the appearance of
the dog. Most handsome in this regard is the fu manchu moustache
worn by the Scottish terriers.
8. The correct dog must fit through the recently installed dog
door. Consequently, a pair of calipers will be needed to determine
the correct head size. Also, a dog that cannot figure out how to
work the dog door will, in all likelihood, never catch a rabbit
either. A dog is man's best friend, not an aloof acquaintance -
that's what a cat is. (Surprisingly, a cat can catch a rabbit so
long as the rabbit is very young. It's easy to identify that moment
because nothing in this world is more disconcerting than listening
to a recently caught rabbit being mauled.) But a dog that can't
catch a rabbit cannot be trusted.
-William Cadillac Donovan
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