"You're toxic, I'm slipping under …"

Dear Sirs/Madams of Takara Foot Patches,

Your product is unparalleled and thanks are in order. Once again, an ancient Oriental secret has proven itself to be the correct remedy in the face of skepticism, and conventional medicine is baffled. How could a simple foot patch affixed to the feet of the wearer remove heavy metals and toxins from the user's system? Well, according to your website, it's all simple science from the moment the user attaches them. Reflexology points in the feet act as conduits to the rest of the body, acting with the same capillary action employed by trees - the evidence abounds in the woods around Chernobyl. It can be argued that if these miracle foot patches had been available after the horrific bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, maybe there would have been less of a death toll in the days afterwards. It's important to share with you some of the testimonials regarding the life-changing properties of your foot patches:

"I smoke, on average, 2-3 packs of Newports a day. Now I know that's not real healthy but I gotta have my smokes - they're like a vapor rub for my lungs. Anyway, guys are always telling me, "Gino, you gotta stop smoking, you gotta stop smoking, you're killing yourself", right? So I'm always looking for a way to counter-act the smoking, always trying to get an edge. So I try your foot pads. Holy smokes! I use some of your foot pads? It's like the tar leaches right out of my lungs and comes out the bottom of my feet." - Gino R., Brooklyn NY

"I was petrified of this earth - I was just living in sheer terror of it. So many toxins, carcinogens, discharges, pollutants, you name it. Knowing that every day my feet were on contact with the filth of our modern world was disconcerting. Had I the knowledge of the ancient people, those people who lived with the knowledge of how to live in harmony with all of the earth? No. Meanwhile, my physical existence was plagued with effort till I found your footpads. Finally, I can prevent myself from accruing the filth of a billion strangers with convenience. I've even taken to wearing them on my elbows when I dine out." - Lyndon H., Tucson AZ

"The crap I put up with? You would not believe the crap I put up with. Now you can see the crap I put up with. The crap I put up with comes right out of my feet, I'm putting up with so much crap." - Horace G., Galveston TX

"I heard about your foot pads from a friend of mine, Stephanie. She tells me all about them. She knows all about my bursitis and says I may as well give them a try. I tell Stephanie that I can probably fashion my own. So I get some maxi-pads and look up some of the ingredients from your website - I put some starch and vinegar on the maxi-pads and the vinegar gets soaked right up. I rub some aloe on them. I get the rest of the ingredients from the China mart in the city and grind up a couple of old crawdads and they get to smelling something fierce but I've got to get rid of this bursitis, y'know? Nothing. Nothing happens at all. I walk around for days and my bursitis is just as bad as it's ever been. So I take out some money and buy a couple of yours and the difference is immediate! You can't except no substitutes." Maribeth O., Cary IL

"They work. I actually had a miscarriage, they work so well." - Lydia D., Tampa FL

"I used to hate Coldplay, Jack Johnson, all of that sensitive guy stuff - and it was really affecting my relationships. Try as I might, I just couldn't get heavy metal out of my system. My girlfriend starts putting your patches on my feet at night and next thing I know, I'm singing along with Elton John - Elton freaking John!" - Bradley M., Oakland CA

"I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things on my feet that shouldn't be there." - Stacey M., Portland OR

-William Cadillac Donovan

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