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NASCAR: "I Swear I Passed That Tree A Mile Ago"

When it comes to our unending commitment to the environment, nothing speaks louder than forty-three high-performance machines droning like mad hornets on an asphalt flower. And it’s not enough to burn ten laps and call it a picnic, Oh no, no, no. We can’t pass out on our cousin’s ex-wife’s couch until the drivers are sweating like a pedophile staring at Dateline’s Chris Hansen. Wrapped up in tinfoil like a baked potato slathered in "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Over." Bleary-eyed with a severe case of highway hypnosis while Robert Blake wearing eye-liner is calling their house. Meanwhile, all the ape-drapes standing on their Talladego Winnabegos are sloshing Bud around like it was incense and they were the Bishop of Incest. This argument is old and tired; nagging bleating heart liberal uses a rolling pin to remind vile, filthy conservative to take out the trash. Then Mungo gets angry and lights the old battleaxe’s housedress on fire. You know, the Labor Day festivities.

In fairness, these are high-performance white elephants, tuned to maximum efficiency. Azcentral.com says that according to NASCAR officials, one weekend of trials, practice and racing consumes about 6000 gallons of fuel. A gallon of unleaded fuel emits around 19-20 lbs. of carbon dioxide when burned. (So that you don’t make the lame excuse that NASCAR doesn’t use unleaded, I’ll give you 15 lbs. and a lead-based paint smoothie. They are switching to unleaded in 2008.) Considering there are about 37 races in a season, we’ll call it 3,330,000 lbs. Now bring up the 7000 to 8000 per year from SUV’s, I dare you, crybaby. "But look at what Jimmy is doing." Most people don’t get to work and then repeat the trip 200 times. Hopefully they don’t have a crowd of morons cheering them on the entire way, and the only one who cares if they come in first is the bossman. That’s still 10 times more carbon dioxide than the average person, per driver. But I’m sure they transported these high-octane billboards, crew and gear with bio-diesel trucks. We know the fans all rode Vespas.

Formula 1 announced last August that they are lifting the ban on hybrid technology that, according to The Christian Science Monitor, gave hybrids an "unfair advantage on the track because the electric motors would have given them bursts of extra power. " Fewer pit stops couldn’t hurt either, just ask my proctologist. Don’t expect NASCAR to follow suit. Americans aren’t going to be pushed around like some International ruling body. We’re a defiant three-year old who’ll do exactly what we want even to our own detriment, and that of our globe-mates. That’s all beyond me, but the beer-swilling, possum-barbecuing, full of crap enthusiasts seem an unlimited source of methane. Indianapolis speedway at capacity, and figuring a pint per person, could produce 31,250 gallons of blue-angel dust. Equip the backseat with an alimentary fuel filter, and it’s "Gentlemen, start your engines."

"First, get to know a little bit about the drivers and pick a favorite. There is perfect match for every taste, young and hip Dale Earnhardt Jr., the quietly competent Matt Kenseth, outrageous and aggressive Robby Gordon or any of the other 40 drivers that start the race each week. Learning the personalities, relationships and rivalries adds a lot to your enjoyment of the race. "
-Steve McCormick Ask.com NASCAR Guide
"Woody thought of Janice, and how good-looking she was. He’d really have to rate to date someone like her. It’s too bad she acts so superficial and bored. There’s Betty, and yet she doesn’t seem like she’d be much fun. What about Ann? She knows how to have a good time and how to make the fellow with her relax and have fun too. Yes, that’s what a boy likes."
-Dating Do’s And Don’ts (Coronet Instructional Films-1949)

-Ewan Wadharmi

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