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NASCAR: "I Swear I Passed That Tree A Mile Ago"
When it comes to our unending commitment to the environment, nothing
speaks louder than forty-three high-performance machines droning like
mad hornets on an asphalt flower. And it’s not enough to burn
ten laps and call it a picnic, Oh no, no, no. We can’t pass out
on our cousin’s ex-wife’s couch until the drivers are sweating
like a pedophile staring at Dateline’s Chris Hansen. Wrapped
up in tinfoil like a baked potato slathered in "I Can’t
Believe It’s Not Over." Bleary-eyed with a severe case of
highway hypnosis while Robert Blake wearing eye-liner is calling
their house. Meanwhile, all the ape-drapes standing on their Talladego
Winnabegos are sloshing Bud around like it was incense and they were
the Bishop of Incest. This argument is old and tired; nagging bleating
heart liberal uses a rolling pin to remind vile, filthy conservative
to take out the trash. Then Mungo gets angry and lights the old battleaxe’s
housedress on fire. You know, the Labor Day festivities.
In fairness, these are high-performance white elephants, tuned to
maximum efficiency. Azcentral.com says that according to NASCAR officials,
one weekend of trials, practice and racing consumes about 6000 gallons
of fuel. A gallon of unleaded fuel emits around 19-20 lbs. of carbon
dioxide when burned. (So that you don’t make the lame excuse
that NASCAR doesn’t use unleaded, I’ll give you 15 lbs.
and a lead-based paint smoothie. They are switching to unleaded in
2008.) Considering there are about 37 races in a season, we’ll
call it 3,330,000 lbs. Now bring up the 7000 to 8000 per year from
SUV’s, I dare you, crybaby. "But look at what Jimmy is doing."
Most people don’t get to work and then repeat the trip 200 times.
Hopefully they don’t have a crowd of morons cheering them on
the entire way, and the only one who cares if they come in first is
the bossman. That’s still 10 times more carbon dioxide than the
average person, per driver. But I’m sure they transported these
high-octane billboards, crew and gear with bio-diesel trucks. We know
the fans all rode Vespas.
Formula 1 announced last August that they are lifting the ban on
hybrid technology that, according to The Christian Science Monitor,
gave hybrids an "unfair advantage on the track because the electric
motors would have given them bursts of extra power. " Fewer pit
stops couldn’t hurt either, just ask my proctologist. Don’t
expect NASCAR to follow suit. Americans aren’t going to be pushed
around like some International ruling body. We’re a defiant three-year
old who’ll do exactly what we want even to our own detriment,
and that of our globe-mates. That’s all beyond me, but the beer-swilling,
possum-barbecuing, full of crap enthusiasts seem an unlimited source
of methane. Indianapolis speedway at capacity, and figuring a pint
per person, could produce 31,250 gallons of blue-angel dust. Equip
the backseat with an alimentary fuel filter, and it’s "Gentlemen,
start your engines."
"First, get to know a little bit about the drivers and pick
a favorite. There is perfect match for every taste, young and hip
Dale Earnhardt Jr., the quietly competent Matt Kenseth, outrageous
and aggressive Robby Gordon or any of the other 40 drivers that start
the race each week. Learning the personalities, relationships and
rivalries adds a lot to your enjoyment of the race. "
-Steve McCormick Ask.com NASCAR Guide
"Woody thought of Janice, and how good-looking she was. He’d
really have to rate to date someone like her. It’s too bad she
acts so superficial and bored. There’s Betty, and yet she doesn’t
seem like she’d be much fun. What about Ann? She knows how to
have a good time and how to make the fellow with her relax and have
fun too. Yes, that’s what a boy likes."
-Dating Do’s And Don’ts (Coronet Instructional Films-1949)
-Ewan Wadharmi
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