We Are The Blog: You Will Be Assimilated

We have the audacity to think that every utterance from our deceptive lips, each occurrence of our empty lives is of some interest to other persons. Now that we don’t have actual conversations, we don’t have that sounding board to filter our output. (Insert cartoon of wife asking, “How was your day, Honey?” husband: “Read my blog!”) What makes Ritual Virility different than a blog you say? Damned if I know, Terry. Just that I call it a column, which in my skewed logic places me in the same league as Andy Rooney whose recent piece “Fashion Magazines Feature Dumbass Clothes” raised controversy shaking Madison avenue to its foundation. But rather than snuff it all, which would be the only right thing to do after a humiliating self-revelation like this, I continue with my misguided and hypocritical rant with the arrogant belief that I hold some negotiable wisdom. A belief held also by the folks at Ezine Articles.

I discovered the clearinghouse website whilst following the trail of fellow Hybrid writer Susan Frances (see my last column on stalkers). Initially, it looked like a good way to generate web traffic and boost my eProfile. The writing guidelines read like a treatise on copyright law, causing me to doubt if I could cut the muster. Then I perused the engaging 5 Reasons To Trust The Cold Steel Trail Master Bowie Knife, “Even the Cold Steel haters cannot deny the sheer cutting power” and The Lazy Way To Sexually Arouse Your Wife, “Over the past few years, I've been in a situation where hundreds of guys have asked me about the most effective ways to getting a woman sexually aroused.” I realized that the illustrious Ms. Frances was once again slumming amongst writers well beneath her. Secondly, I realized that the only place to be questioned by hundreds of men at once regarding sexual techniques would be under the auspices of a correctional detainment facility. (Please, dear Susan, I fear for your safety if these are the sort of swine to whom you’ll throw your pearls. Do not consort with these blogs and obvious adverts masquerading as articles.)

Much is made of Mozart composing a symphony at age 5. What’s rarely discussed is that the piece was so abysmal that even Salieri said it sucked massive bubonic balls and couldn’t be in the same room where it had been performed days earlier because of the overwhelming stench which clung visibly to the ceiling medallion. Retired carwash tycoon Lance Winslow has written over 13,000 web articles in areas from real estate to Eastern Philosophy to robotics. Which all sounds pretty impressive until you find that many of his pieces are as pointless as a Wesley Willis composition, but far less entertaining. My favorites are front-loaded in the title, She "Feng Shui'ed it" and You Know What? It Didn't Look Half Bad. Yup, that’s the whole gist of the article except the sub-plot where he went to get a coffee. Love, Sex and Real Estate starts out like a Dear Forum letter, but Winslow, who is far more successful and intelligent than the likes of me, manages to sap the titillation out of his exploits like a 50’s educational film. He offers sound advice like insulating your home to increase energy efficiency, and elsewhere informs that deadbeat dads are bad. This is the logic demonstrated by an actual sign at my post office, “For early mail delivery, mail early.” And since Winslow solicits ideas, I’m suggesting Perpetuating the Species. Step one: keep breathing.

As evidenced by his intriguingly cult-like Worldthinktank.net, this guy is a smart feller, and the law of diminishing returns ensures that some of his writing will be worthwhile. But documenting every passing thought buries the brilliant revelations under musings on Burger King and advice on blogetiquette. Like our beloved Susan Frances, the prolific Lance Winslow far eclipses his peers. Still they join Andy Rooney, cold steel haters, myself and bloggers everywhere who graffiti up the bandwidth with “content” as the collective reason why “They” hate America.

-Ewan Wadharmi

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