We Are The Blog: You Will Be Assimilated
We have the audacity to think that every utterance from our deceptive
lips, each occurrence of our empty lives is of some interest to
other persons. Now that we dont have actual conversations,
we dont have that sounding board to filter our output. (Insert
cartoon of wife asking, How was your day, Honey? husband:
Read my blog!) What makes Ritual Virility
different than a blog you say? Damned if I know, Terry. Just that
I call it a column, which in my skewed logic places me in the same
league as Andy Rooney whose recent piece Fashion Magazines
Feature Dumbass Clothes raised controversy shaking Madison
avenue to its foundation. But rather than snuff it all, which would
be the only right thing to do after a humiliating self-revelation
like this, I continue with my misguided and hypocritical rant with
the arrogant belief that I hold some negotiable wisdom. A belief
held also by the folks at Ezine Articles.
I discovered the clearinghouse website whilst following the trail
of fellow Hybrid writer Susan Frances (see my last column
on stalkers). Initially, it looked like a good way to generate web
traffic and boost my eProfile. The writing guidelines read like
a treatise on copyright law, causing me to doubt if I could cut
the muster. Then I perused the engaging 5 Reasons To Trust The
Cold Steel Trail Master Bowie Knife, Even the Cold Steel
haters cannot deny the sheer cutting power and The Lazy
Way To Sexually Arouse Your Wife, Over the past few years,
I've been in a situation where hundreds of guys have asked me about
the most effective ways to getting a woman sexually aroused.
I realized that the illustrious Ms. Frances was once again slumming
amongst writers well beneath her. Secondly, I realized that the
only place to be questioned by hundreds of men at once regarding
sexual techniques would be under the auspices of a correctional
detainment facility. (Please, dear Susan, I fear for your safety
if these are the sort of swine to whom youll throw your pearls.
Do not consort with these blogs and obvious adverts masquerading
Much is made of Mozart composing a symphony at age 5. Whats
rarely discussed is that the piece was so abysmal that even Salieri
said it sucked massive bubonic balls and couldnt be in the
same room where it had been performed days earlier because of the
overwhelming stench which clung visibly to the ceiling medallion.
Retired carwash tycoon Lance Winslow has written over 13,000
web articles in areas from real estate to Eastern Philosophy to
robotics. Which all sounds pretty impressive until you find that
many of his pieces are as pointless as a Wesley Willis composition,
but far less entertaining. My favorites are front-loaded in the
title, She "Feng Shui'ed it" and You Know What? It
Didn't Look Half Bad. Yup, thats the whole gist of the
article except the sub-plot where he went to get a coffee. Love,
Sex and Real Estate starts out like a Dear Forum letter, but
Winslow, who is far more successful and intelligent than the likes
of me, manages to sap the titillation out of his exploits like a
50s educational film. He offers sound advice like insulating
your home to increase energy efficiency, and elsewhere informs that
deadbeat dads are bad. This is the logic demonstrated by an actual
sign at my post office, For early mail delivery, mail early.
And since Winslow solicits ideas, Im suggesting Perpetuating
the Species. Step one: keep breathing.
As evidenced by his intriguingly cult-like Worldthinktank.net, this
guy is a smart feller, and the law of diminishing returns ensures
that some of his writing will be worthwhile. But documenting every
passing thought buries the brilliant revelations under musings on
Burger King and advice on blogetiquette. Like our beloved Susan
Frances, the prolific Lance Winslow far eclipses his peers. Still
they join Andy Rooney, cold steel haters, myself and bloggers everywhere
who graffiti up the bandwidth with content as the collective
reason why They hate America.
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