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Faux Hawk: The O.C. Mullet

""The Faux Hawk" is exactly like a mohawk, except that it is different."
-Ricky Kwong, graphic artist, clothing designer, oxymoron.

Ahead of capitalism, The Monroe Doctrine and "Shock and Awe," the world hates America for spawning the lamest generation since raccoon coats and porkpie hats adorned fraternity members. As the first recorded occurrence of parents being cooler than their kids, generation XYY has added nothing to the music world beyond Mousketeer pop and Emo, a subgenre so heinous its creators immediately disavowed it. Their extra chromosome has not assisted them in formulating any original personal style, and lacking even the menial rebellion of their fathers, they homogenized the Mohawk into a flag of moderate conservatism.

The Faux Hawk was borne of an exhausting twenty-three year style bid which, sadly, failed to destroy Kevin Bacon. His career also inexplicably survived the bedhead onslaught, though his music remains as credible as Eddie Murphy's. Out of boredom with the ironic mullet, and thirsting for a common shame, the youth culture sought out a new abomination. They reshaped Bacon's disheveled dome with Dippity-do, forming a dime-store goofing-in-the-bathtub rendition of rawk's most subversive coif. This unholy marriage of Dawson's Creek prep and pop punk ethos was consummated in 2002 at a Sellout Boy show attended by Elijah Wood.

The Eighties had many examples of this t-shirt tux of tresses. But if there's any Zapruder film documenting the death of the mohawk, it's the shining moment in James Spader's career before he became a puffy-faced poofda, 1984's Tuff Turff. Not only does it feature loads of fake punks, it's got the lovely Kim "Escape From Hello Larry" Richards in crimped hair extensions doing a gymnastics routine. Not to mention scads of simulated gangsters who don't even have the decency to wear baseball uniforms to identify themselves as an organized unit. Apparently, like laws governing drinking alcohol on TV, restrictions required some square-headed ringer to comb his or hisn't locks up like Baretta's parrot whilst sporting purple Grace Jones eye-shadow.

If these references are all sounding a bit dated, get used to it because having that atrocious novelty atop your Gulliver will freeze you in time like faded photos of your uncle's lambchops. You may as well be wearing a pair of stone-washed bell-bottoms on your head to mark the longevity of this fad. Real lamb chops have a longer shelf-life. Worse than Gavan O'Herlihy's inverted hawk in Death Wish 3, it's the crown of those non-committals who consider themselves post-punkers, and the reason "They" hate America.

Forward complaints to Unique Ricky, go-getter, trendsetter, bed-wetter and prime example of the iGeneration. rickykwong@gmail.com
Visit Ricky's website for decent graphics, bad hairstyles and worse logic. He serially abuses the word "unique" as in, "All those who wish to be unique should try to copy this" and, "it is a very popular unique hairstyle."

classes.design.ucla.edu/Spring04/161A/projects/Ricky/hairstyles/hairstyle.html

-Ewan Wadharmi

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