Faux Hawk: The O.C. Mullet
""The Faux Hawk" is exactly like a mohawk, except
that it is different."
-Ricky Kwong, graphic artist, clothing designer, oxymoron.
Ahead of capitalism, The Monroe Doctrine and "Shock and Awe,"
the world hates America for spawning the lamest generation since
raccoon coats and porkpie hats adorned fraternity members. As the
first recorded occurrence of parents being cooler than their kids,
generation XYY has added nothing to the music world beyond Mousketeer
pop and Emo, a subgenre so heinous its creators immediately disavowed
it. Their extra chromosome has not assisted them in formulating
any original personal style, and lacking even the menial rebellion
of their fathers, they homogenized the Mohawk into a flag of moderate
The Faux Hawk was borne of an exhausting twenty-three year style
bid which, sadly, failed to destroy Kevin Bacon. His career
also inexplicably survived the bedhead onslaught, though his music
remains as credible as Eddie Murphy's. Out of boredom with
the ironic mullet, and thirsting for a common shame, the youth culture
sought out a new abomination. They reshaped Bacon's disheveled dome
with Dippity-do, forming a dime-store goofing-in-the-bathtub rendition
of rawk's most subversive coif. This unholy marriage of Dawson's
Creek prep and pop punk ethos was consummated in 2002 at a Sellout
Boy show attended by Elijah Wood.
The Eighties had many examples of this t-shirt tux of tresses. But
if there's any Zapruder film documenting the death of the
mohawk, it's the shining moment in James Spader's career
before he became a puffy-faced poofda, 1984's Tuff Turff.
Not only does it feature loads of fake punks, it's got the lovely
Kim "Escape From Hello Larry" Richards in
crimped hair extensions doing a gymnastics routine. Not to mention
scads of simulated gangsters who don't even have the decency to
wear baseball uniforms to identify themselves as an organized unit.
Apparently, like laws governing drinking alcohol on TV, restrictions
required some square-headed ringer to comb his or hisn't locks up
like Baretta's parrot whilst sporting purple Grace Jones
If these references are all sounding a bit dated, get used to it
because having that atrocious novelty atop your Gulliver will freeze
you in time like faded photos of your uncle's lambchops. You may
as well be wearing a pair of stone-washed bell-bottoms on your head
to mark the longevity of this fad. Real lamb chops have a longer
shelf-life. Worse than Gavan O'Herlihy's inverted hawk in
Death Wish 3, it's the crown of those non-committals who
consider themselves post-punkers, and the reason "They"
Forward complaints to Unique Ricky, go-getter, trendsetter, bed-wetter
and prime example of the iGeneration. firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Ricky's website for decent graphics, bad hairstyles and worse
logic. He serially abuses the word "unique" as in, "All
those who wish to be unique should try to copy this" and, "it
is a very popular unique hairstyle."
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