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Jerry Baker

Every Spring as I embark on the fool's errand of battling bindweed, I turn to the home-spun advice of America's Master Gardener, Jerry Baker. But recently, as the following PBS transcript reveals, it seems Baker has been imbibing in his own tonics.

Jerry Baker: Master of his Domain
Segment break 2:

Don Hubris: We're here with America's Master Gardener™ . Now Jerry, we've got some canned questions from members who've pledged at the $500 level. Janet from Concord asks, "How can I keep my lawn green without using chemical treatments?"

Jerry Baker: Well Janet, apply my All-Time Green Tonic® every two weeks. Take one can of Jerry Beer®, one cup of Master Baker Amonia®, half a cup of Brer' Baker's Old-Fart Molasses®, half a cup of PBS Liquid Fertilizer (patent pending,) and spray that shit all over the damn place. Remember, you can't use any old brand or you'll attract Homeland Security to your compound.

Don Hubris: Wow, what fantastic tips from a true garden guru. You know the programming on public television is a lot like a flower. It starts with one small seed, but with proper care and…no wait. Not a flower, a tree. Because flowers wither and die, whereas a tree grows forever into the sky, mocking God in defiance. "Strike me down, God!" It seems to say. But we need your pledge to continue the fantastic programming like BBC sitcoms that even the British don't find amusing.

Jerry Baker: That's right Don. The part about the British, that is. The rest of what you said was as useless as my Granny's uterus. I nodded off for a spell, but I'm pretty sure it was a load of crap, which is exactly what Barry from Oswego needs to augment his soil for a bountiful potato crop.

Don Hubris: And if you pledge now at the $100 level, you'll receive ten pounds of Jerry's special aged manure in a five pound bag. Gena from Blivinshiredom wants to know how to rid her garden of slugs and cutworms.

Jerry Baker: First off, Gena, congratulations on transitioning to a woman. Now then, take one cup of dishwashing liquid, a can of coke, half a cup of man juice and one cup of antiseptic mouthwash. Put that in a twenty-gallon…

Don Hubris: Ummm, excuse me Jerry, what did you just say?

Jerry Baker: A cup of mouthwash? Really Don, you can get it at any store and you might want to look into it. Smells like you've been composting prostitutes in there.

Don Hubris: No, before that. Did you say mango juice?

Jerry Baker: Not mango, MAN juice. Navy seals, baby batter. So anyway, I want you to put it all into a twenty-gallon hose-end sprayer and spray it to the point of runoff. No more slugs, and your vegetables will grow like a hydrocephalic kid's cranium.

Don Hubris: …………….Jerry, uh….are you really suggesting Gena spray semen on her garden?

Jerry Baker: Well sure, I've spread my seed all over this fertile land…oh, I forgot he had his'nt plumbing removed. Well I'm sure you can find a neighbor who'll loan you a cup or two.

Don Hubris: Brrgth agggrimpth. I'm certain I'm going to be sick at the $250 level.

Jerry Baker: You gents suffering from root-rot, soak your spuds in a tincture of bleach, royal jelly and Jerry's Oil Soap®. Your stalks will soon be high as an elephant's eye and producing fruit fast as a Maury Povich guest. You ever seen Old Faithful? You'll be spouting like…

Don hubris: Please don't…

Jerry Baker: Like a guy-zer!

Don Hubris: Oh God…hurannf. Phone lines are open. Gaarmplah.

Jerry Baker: And if you're an old maid who can't get your hands on any cream of conception. You can always order a jug of Master Baker's Man Mix®. Only $30.76 per half gallon. I'm hooked up to a milking machine four hours a day just like Don Johnson in A Boy and his Dog.

Don Hubris:…Ghhmmm hoark!

Jerry Baker: Of course, if you donate at the higher bracket, I'll personally visit to make a donation of my own.

Don Hubris: No no no! No more! Baammglipraaaph.

Jerry Baker: Now for transplanting seedlings, take a pinch of hair and a corn cob; dig yourself an eight-inch hole with your garden weasel…

-Ewan Wadharmi

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