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I am Sparticles. No, I am Sparticles.
“I can split the atoms of a molecule. I can end the world
in a holocaust.” - Flobots
September 10, 2008
Six hours ago, scientists in Geneva Switzerland set down their
hot chocolate and fired up the most controversial whirligig in modern
history, the Large Hadron Collider. (Not to be confused with the
Large Hard-on Collider, which is a project I have going on in my
basement.) I’m a little disgusted with myself for finding out
about this monstrosity so late in the game, but after several hours
of research on the Youweb and Urban Dictionary I can be considered
a bona fide expert on the Higgs Boson particle, Hentai and CERN
(The European Organization for Nuclear Research and Cookies.) In
a nutsac, the Heidi’s and the Frogs are going to smash protons
to prove the Big Bang Theory and count the shrapnel, thus explaining
once and for all the formation of the universe, Sheryl Crow’s
career, and accidentally creating the Infinite Improbability Drive.
The strange matter of mucking about with sub-atomic bits should
prove once and for all if sparticles travelled from the abdomen
of Care Bears or, as if they are actually the building blocks of
My Little Ponies. Either way, be prepared to taste the rainbow.
Now everyone knows the world ends in 2012 GMT. But The Von Traps
may speed the timeline up a notch, according to the crackpot, superstitious
pseudo-scientists who inhabit the interwebbery. The growing conCERN
(see what I did there?) is that black holes will form on Terra and
suck all matter into them. But that’s a small price to pay
in the furtherance of Frankenscience. These doomsayers are generally
of the Art Bell/Alex Jones/Chicken Little ilk, but like any endeavor
humans pursue - Politics, Religion, eating contests - there are
wingnuts on all sides of this story, not the least is the waster
of words this side of the computer monitor. The good news is that
the crackpot, superstitious pseudo-scientists running this Rube
Goldberg device offer assurances that the temporary miniscule black
holes likely to be created will be instantly destroyed like a bushel
of unwanted fetuses. (The hidden agenda is a new method for making
cheese.) There is a possibility, however, of the formation of strangelets;
that most dangerous of all theoretical chocolate treats.
Those ready to throw the “playing God” card at these
well-intentioned and not at all ill-concerned for the fate of the
planet geniuses can take heart in the words of Physicist Michio
Kaku. “What should we have said if someone said, ‘Will
we find God with your machine?’ God, by whatever signs or symbols
you ascribe to the deity; this machine will take us as close as
humanly possible to His or Her greatest creation: Genesis. This
is a Genesis machine.” And I was worried this would be some
arrogant Blasphemous abomination. Kaku digs himself further into
a black hole with apocryphal alliances to Star Wars, Starfleet
Academy and Hogwarts.
Kaku is only one “celebrity” Physicist weighing in on
the LHC. Prof. Stephen has been hawking his views that the
world will fail to fall apart. He’s admitted he has a C-note
that says the elusive Higgs Boson, or “God Particle,”
will remain theoretical. Hawking then sued Kraftwerk and
Speak N Spell for copyright infringement. CERN’s own
spokesmodel Dr. Brian Cox has been making the rounds at universities
and Wii tournaments, creeping attendees out with his James Blunt
on anti-depressants act.
The most disturbing outcome of this experiment has got to be the
glut of music videos being produced at the facility itself. For starters,
theres a SchoolHouse rock-styled “Large Hadron Rap” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM)
feat. many nuclear techs goofing like they was making Honey Bunches
of Oats or some shit. Strangely, no one takes the rap name Ice 9 or,
for that matter, Black Ho. The first ever band with their own website
is CERN’s houseband Les Horribles Cernettes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1L2xODZSI4).
An amateurish science-based doo-wop girl-group who serve as the nucleus
of CERN’s carefully pronounced Hardronic Music Festival. Not
only do they host an annual concert at the installation, some pretty
decent bands give their Globe Show lecture series a Tonight Show
feel. What I’m getting at is that they treat nuclear fusion with
all the gravity of a County Fair. The LHC is as big as any concert
arena, but after the show they smash atoms instead of guitars.
September 12, 2008
Impact should be in early October, so three weeks before they tear
the Earth a new hole. The LHC is still running and we are still
alive despite a reported computer break-in by Greek hackers. The
benign security breach came with a warning, "We're pulling
your pants down because we don't want to see you running around
naked looking to hide yourselves when the panic comes." I don’t
want to see them with their pants down either, but I thought the
Greeks were into that sort of Large Hard-on Collider thing.
Dr. Egon Spengler: “I have a radical idea. The door swings
both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “How?”
Dr. Egon Spengler: “We'll cross the streams.”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams
was bad!”
Dr. Ray Stantz: “Cross the streams...”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna
endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before
she became a dog...”
Dr. Egon Spengler: “Not necessarily. There's definitely a “very
slim” chance we'll survive.”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part
of it! LET'S DO IT!”
-Ewan Wadharmi
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