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I am Sparticles. No, I am Sparticles.

“I can split the atoms of a molecule. I can end the world in a holocaust.” - Flobots

September 10, 2008

Six hours ago, scientists in Geneva Switzerland set down their hot chocolate and fired up the most controversial whirligig in modern history, the Large Hadron Collider. (Not to be confused with the Large Hard-on Collider, which is a project I have going on in my basement.) I’m a little disgusted with myself for finding out about this monstrosity so late in the game, but after several hours of research on the Youweb and Urban Dictionary I can be considered a bona fide expert on the Higgs Boson particle, Hentai and CERN (The European Organization for Nuclear Research and Cookies.) In a nutsac, the Heidi’s and the Frogs are going to smash protons to prove the Big Bang Theory and count the shrapnel, thus explaining once and for all the formation of the universe, Sheryl Crow’s career, and accidentally creating the Infinite Improbability Drive. The strange matter of mucking about with sub-atomic bits should prove once and for all if sparticles travelled from the abdomen of Care Bears or, as if they are actually the building blocks of My Little Ponies. Either way, be prepared to taste the rainbow.

Now everyone knows the world ends in 2012 GMT. But The Von Traps may speed the timeline up a notch, according to the crackpot, superstitious pseudo-scientists who inhabit the interwebbery. The growing conCERN (see what I did there?) is that black holes will form on Terra and suck all matter into them. But that’s a small price to pay in the furtherance of Frankenscience. These doomsayers are generally of the Art Bell/Alex Jones/Chicken Little ilk, but like any endeavor humans pursue - Politics, Religion, eating contests - there are wingnuts on all sides of this story, not the least is the waster of words this side of the computer monitor. The good news is that the crackpot, superstitious pseudo-scientists running this Rube Goldberg device offer assurances that the temporary miniscule black holes likely to be created will be instantly destroyed like a bushel of unwanted fetuses. (The hidden agenda is a new method for making cheese.) There is a possibility, however, of the formation of strangelets; that most dangerous of all theoretical chocolate treats.

Those ready to throw the “playing God” card at these well-intentioned and not at all ill-concerned for the fate of the planet geniuses can take heart in the words of Physicist Michio Kaku. “What should we have said if someone said, ‘Will we find God with your machine?’ God, by whatever signs or symbols you ascribe to the deity; this machine will take us as close as humanly possible to His or Her greatest creation: Genesis. This is a Genesis machine.” And I was worried this would be some arrogant Blasphemous abomination. Kaku digs himself further into a black hole with apocryphal alliances to Star Wars, Starfleet Academy and Hogwarts.

Kaku is only one “celebrity” Physicist weighing in on the LHC. Prof. Stephen has been hawking his views that the world will fail to fall apart. He’s admitted he has a C-note that says the elusive Higgs Boson, or “God Particle,” will remain theoretical. Hawking then sued Kraftwerk and Speak N Spell for copyright infringement. CERN’s own spokesmodel Dr. Brian Cox has been making the rounds at universities and Wii tournaments, creeping attendees out with his James Blunt on anti-depressants act.

The most disturbing outcome of this experiment has got to be the glut of music videos being produced at the facility itself. For starters, theres a SchoolHouse rock-styled “Large Hadron Rap” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM) feat. many nuclear techs goofing like they was making Honey Bunches of Oats or some shit. Strangely, no one takes the rap name Ice 9 or, for that matter, Black Ho. The first ever band with their own website is CERN’s houseband Les Horribles Cernettes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1L2xODZSI4). An amateurish science-based doo-wop girl-group who serve as the nucleus of CERN’s carefully pronounced Hardronic Music Festival. Not only do they host an annual concert at the installation, some pretty decent bands give their Globe Show lecture series a Tonight Show feel. What I’m getting at is that they treat nuclear fusion with all the gravity of a County Fair. The LHC is as big as any concert arena, but after the show they smash atoms instead of guitars.

September 12, 2008

Impact should be in early October, so three weeks before they tear the Earth a new hole. The LHC is still running and we are still alive despite a reported computer break-in by Greek hackers. The benign security breach came with a warning, "We're pulling your pants down because we don't want to see you running around naked looking to hide yourselves when the panic comes." I don’t want to see them with their pants down either, but I thought the Greeks were into that sort of Large Hard-on Collider thing.

Dr. Egon Spengler: “I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “How?”
Dr. Egon Spengler: “We'll cross the streams.”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!”
Dr. Ray Stantz: “Cross the streams...”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog...”
Dr. Egon Spengler: “Not necessarily. There's definitely a “very slim” chance we'll survive.”
Dr. Peter Venkman: “I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! LET'S DO IT!”

-Ewan Wadharmi

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