Fan Fiction

The brain-addling shock when you first stumble on the bizarro world of fan fiction is tantamount to discovering the existence of plushy and furry fetishism. (If you don't know, don't ask.) This boundless arena of pointless pontification contains the sort of dangerous allure that turns Neil Diamond critics into voracious groupies sporting sequined sweaters. Once you're done pondering the man-hours involved in formulating 17,235 homemade episodes of Star Wars, some title like "The Three Wackos Go On To The Jedi Temple Chapter 5" (www.geocities.com/thethreewackos) catches your eye, and you have to go chasing the rascally thing in to see how Rod Stewart figures into the Empire.

While Star Wars and Star Trek inherently have the largest pool of rabid devotees with too much time on their hands, the real curiosities are the more obscure shrines. Paeans to 60's sitcoms The Flying Nun and Nanny And The Professor are cataloged right next to CSI and The O.C. The teen romance movie She's The Man managed to turn a Shakespearean comedy into a tragedy, still at least eighty-one persons (on fanfiction.net alone) were compelled to compound the grief. Compare that to the 34,000 plus invisibility-cloaked amateurs who couldn't wait for the next Harry Potter installment. (harrypotterfanfiction.com) And yes, Virginia, history's worst robo-daughter sitcom Small Wonder just got worse. (http://members.surfbest.net/smallwonder@surfbest.net) But don't feel confined to TV and movies, select your favorite athlete/boyband/politician to fanfictionalize. Don't forget to give him mythical powers over death and girlies, and huge pectoral muscles.

Human nature being what it is, previously chaste characters become salacious bed-jumpers when high-jacked by repressed admirers. Childhood memories are sullied as Muppets put the smack-down on Teletubbies. Unlikely bedfellows defy logic when Dr. Who meets The Care Bears. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3128349/1/ ) Common denominators hit a new low as connoisseurs of pigs-in-a-blanket expound on breakfast sandwiches. (http://community.livejournal.com/mcgriddlefanfic) This one actually highlights the absurdity of the medium, and is, by that virtue, the most useful and amusing one. They get it. (We hope.)

New characters, often called "Mary Sues" by the fandom familiar, are a way for the writer to insert themselves in the story to smooth out any pesky tension and tie up loose ends the creators overlooked. More seasoned writers throw the "Mary Sue" tag around like the "poser" accusation. But on a higher level of literati, their work brings them to the same meddlesome end. They're injecting their two cents to force the characters into the mold they've created.

Most posts start with "This is so gawdawful, that it'll petrify bits of your grey-matter. But read it anyway and please review it, but be kind so as not to shatter my fragile ego. Don't mind me, I'll be standing over here by this cliff's edge." Which brings us to the motivations of a fanficker. Consider Monsters Inc. Nearly to a man, the stories focus on Randal - the bad guy. Much of the apocryphal Harry Potter expands the role of the dark Prof. Snape. And you'll be hard-pressed to find anything Brady that doesn't revolve around Jan. It's the misunderstood, the reviled, and the neglected middle children. And why not write an original tale? Because here's a ready-made audience of like-minded attention-starved individuals who will validate your obsession. Not only do they identify with the characters, but with others similarly afflicted, who inevitably convince them that this is a valuable use of their time and energies. Like attracts like.

In lieu of hate mail, please consider making me a villain in your next piece. And don't forget the extra cranial protrusions, cloven hooves and razor-sharp Lost In Space lunchbox.

-Ewan Wadharmi

See also:
http://www.godawful.net/index.htm
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/
http://piratemonkeysinc.com/ms1.htm

Check out more columns

Talk Back
e-mail the chief

Like this article?
e-mail it to a friend!