"We have to protect our way of life." That's the line
Americans have been fed as a reasonable excuse for waging war, plundering
retirement funds and releasing remix albums in the last several
decades. Mindful of its own hypocrisy, Ritual Virility questions
whether our Way Of Life, preoccupied with entertainment, self-fulfillment
and convenience, is worth that ultimate sacrifice. More likely,
it's the reason that the proverbial "They" hate America.
Damn Proverbials, go back to your own country!
Fetishes: Get in the basket, and
don't let go of the rope until I tell you.
The joke/adage goes that the woman complains that she doesn't like
sex because she finds it disgusting and dirty, to which her doctor/
therapist/ power trainer replies, "Only if you're doing it
right." The simple act of putting a member inside another person,
that most unnatural of all natural acts, is difficult to make any
nastier no matter how many straps and feathers are introduced. It's
debauched from the get go. How then do so many persons get caught
up in these sexual masquerades involving safewords and emulsified
My working theory:
Reason 1. (one) Avoiding Intimacy
One man, one woman (or any combination thereof). Left to their own
devices of tenderness, skin contact, eye contact, arousal and consummation,
this can only lead to trouble as someone is going to fall in love.
The "who" will depend on the amount of foreplay, multiplied
by number of orgasms achieved. Now, the surest way to circumvent
(I said circumvent!) this possibly unwanted product of your escapade
is to bring some ridiculous 800 lb. Gorilla into the proceedings.
(Not an actual gorilla mind you... well
maybe). Who could possibly
become emotionally attached to someone dressed as Thomas Gainsborough's
"Blue Boy" that attempts to insert an original Dr. Pepper
bottle into your body cavity whilst yelling "This one's for
the Bay Of Pigs, Mother!" These are not the memories you reminisce
over en route to the ballet on your crystal anniversary. Nay, these
are incidents that you hope did not involve recording devices...
that you cherish privately and with the sufficient amount of shame
according to the depravity.
Reason 2. (two) Paying the piper.
I'm convinced that women cook up most fetishes, and here's why;
it's all too complicated for a guy. That's right, ladies, we're
not really into the latex gear and ball gag. We just know it's the
path to the goodies. It's the flowers and candy of our times. Think
about it, would a guy purposely go through all this hassle of uncorsetting
his mate if he didn't have to? And if we can't undo a bra in the
dark how do you think we'll fare with the gas mask? We'll take you
during half-time fully clothed with Cheetos fingers if you'd let
us. But then, unlike wearing medieval costumes, that would "cheapen"
it, wouldn't it? Don't worry, we'll keep humoring you until we discover
that sex without all the equipment is extremely gratifying.
Reason 3. (three) Keeping up with the Kinsey's
Gentlemen know that any conversation starting, "I read in Cosmo
will involve sex-life spice-itude test questions like, "How
sexy are your partner's place settings?" and end in a night
on the couch. (Which I'm told is now called a "divan."
Di-van.) This is one of those red-flag conversations akin to. "Do
I look fat?" After many years of trial and error, I have discovered
that the correct response to either of the above examples is to
scream, "Fire!" If you are physically able to, sling your
spouse over your shoulder and proceed to the nearest exit. Otherwise,
flail your arms emphatically and beat cheeks on out of there.
It is vitally important to women that they excel in every aspect
of their lives, but only to a level higher than those around them.
They purposely choose friends not based on common interests or mutual
respect, but because they think they can beat them in some veiled
social competition. Conversely, it is of utmost import to men to
get nick-nack as often as possible. They purposely choose friends
with whom they can one-up in lecherous storytelling. So if we gotta
make spice, or paper mache ourselves, or even get married to do
it, so be it.
Reason 4. (four) Issues
Certainly there are among us a number of broken persons for whom
role-play is a healthy release. More likely cases, German serial
killer Peter Kurten for example, are misguided souls who can't perform
without being covered in bacon and watching Joe Versus The Volcano.
If you need to let go of your power, have at it. If you need to
make someone else the victim for a change, feel free. Just remember
that it's the subservient one who holds the real power so you're
not likely to get no satisfaction, if that is your intent. And then
you're sucked into a lifestyle which your friends expect you to
carry on as they do, because your departure discounts the choices
they've made as well.
Once you've been behind the green door, you'll always know what's
behind it. If vanilla sex is too bland for you, you've cut down
significantly your chances of finding a willing partner. But find
consolation in the fact that you are why they hate America.
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