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"We have to protect our way of life." That's the line Americans have been fed as a reasonable excuse for waging war, plundering retirement funds and releasing remix albums in the last several decades. Mindful of its own hypocrisy, Ritual Virility questions whether our Way Of Life, preoccupied with entertainment, self-fulfillment and convenience, is worth that ultimate sacrifice. More likely, it's the reason that the proverbial "They" hate America. Damn Proverbials, go back to your own country!

Fetishes: Get in the basket, and don't let go of the rope until I tell you.

The joke/adage goes that the woman complains that she doesn't like sex because she finds it disgusting and dirty, to which her doctor/ therapist/ power trainer replies, "Only if you're doing it right." The simple act of putting a member inside another person, that most unnatural of all natural acts, is difficult to make any nastier no matter how many straps and feathers are introduced. It's debauched from the get go. How then do so many persons get caught up in these sexual masquerades involving safewords and emulsified fish guts?

My working theory:

Reason 1. (one) Avoiding Intimacy
One man, one woman (or any combination thereof). Left to their own devices of tenderness, skin contact, eye contact, arousal and consummation, this can only lead to trouble as someone is going to fall in love. The "who" will depend on the amount of foreplay, multiplied by number of orgasms achieved. Now, the surest way to circumvent (I said circumvent!) this possibly unwanted product of your escapade is to bring some ridiculous 800 lb. Gorilla into the proceedings. (Not an actual gorilla mind you... well…maybe). Who could possibly become emotionally attached to someone dressed as Thomas Gainsborough's "Blue Boy" that attempts to insert an original Dr. Pepper bottle into your body cavity whilst yelling "This one's for the Bay Of Pigs, Mother!" These are not the memories you reminisce over en route to the ballet on your crystal anniversary. Nay, these are incidents that you hope did not involve recording devices... that you cherish privately and with the sufficient amount of shame according to the depravity.

Reason 2. (two) Paying the piper.
I'm convinced that women cook up most fetishes, and here's why; it's all too complicated for a guy. That's right, ladies, we're not really into the latex gear and ball gag. We just know it's the path to the goodies. It's the flowers and candy of our times. Think about it, would a guy purposely go through all this hassle of uncorsetting his mate if he didn't have to? And if we can't undo a bra in the dark how do you think we'll fare with the gas mask? We'll take you during half-time fully clothed with Cheetos fingers if you'd let us. But then, unlike wearing medieval costumes, that would "cheapen" it, wouldn't it? Don't worry, we'll keep humoring you until we discover that sex without all the equipment is extremely gratifying.

Reason 3. (three) Keeping up with the Kinsey's
Gentlemen know that any conversation starting, "I read in Cosmo…" will involve sex-life spice-itude test questions like, "How sexy are your partner's place settings?" and end in a night on the couch. (Which I'm told is now called a "divan." Di-van.) This is one of those red-flag conversations akin to. "Do I look fat?" After many years of trial and error, I have discovered that the correct response to either of the above examples is to scream, "Fire!" If you are physically able to, sling your spouse over your shoulder and proceed to the nearest exit. Otherwise, flail your arms emphatically and beat cheeks on out of there.
It is vitally important to women that they excel in every aspect of their lives, but only to a level higher than those around them. They purposely choose friends not based on common interests or mutual respect, but because they think they can beat them in some veiled social competition. Conversely, it is of utmost import to men to get nick-nack as often as possible. They purposely choose friends with whom they can one-up in lecherous storytelling. So if we gotta make spice, or paper mache ourselves, or even get married to do it, so be it.

Reason 4. (four) Issues
Certainly there are among us a number of broken persons for whom role-play is a healthy release. More likely cases, German serial killer Peter Kurten for example, are misguided souls who can't perform without being covered in bacon and watching Joe Versus The Volcano. If you need to let go of your power, have at it. If you need to make someone else the victim for a change, feel free. Just remember that it's the subservient one who holds the real power so you're not likely to get no satisfaction, if that is your intent. And then you're sucked into a lifestyle which your friends expect you to carry on as they do, because your departure discounts the choices they've made as well.

Once you've been behind the green door, you'll always know what's behind it. If vanilla sex is too bland for you, you've cut down significantly your chances of finding a willing partner. But find consolation in the fact that you are why they hate America.

-Ewan Wadharmi

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