"Now there are seven kinds of Coke/500 kinds of cigarettes/This freedom of choice in the USA drives everybody crazy."- X "See How We Are"

Another reason why "They" hate America. Americans are called upon regularly to choose up sides, and everyone knows there can be only two; the right side and their side. It's U.S. vs. the proverbial "Them." You're not in Proverbia anymore, so are you red or blue?

The Cola Wars: When Will The Bloodshed End?

The sibling rivalry between the cola superpowers has been raging for 120 years now. Collateral damage has claimed the credibility of Bill Cosby, The Spice Girls, and Britney Spears, all respectable artists lured into lurid complicity by Faustian corporate beverage makers. For those innocents caught in the cross-fire, we owe a debt of contrition. We are compelled by all that is pure and refreshing to fulfill the promise made by The New Seekers to "Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony." And Neil Young and Billy Joel will lead us to this Paradise.

Fueled by cocaine, the early Coca-Cola party struck a nerve with its opiate for the masses. It immediately deadened said nerve. Pepsi introduced its own snake oil, which it pushed as a cure for dyspepsia, and the prophecy came to fruition. Coca-cola, when introduced to Taiwan or China (depending on whom you believe,) was translated as "Bite the wax tadpole." This supposed mistranslation was actually a code for entrenched Free Masons to bring about the Red Cola Revolution. Meanwhile, the Asian world was offered the empty promise, "Pepsi will raise your ancestors from the dead!" The two warring factions amassed powerful and evil allies. In the thirties, lacking the addictive coca additive, Coke put on a patriotic front that belied its secret ties to the Nazis. (True.) The Pepsi contingent countered by bribing a young right-wing senator by the name of Joseph McCarthy. (Also true!) But at least they fought against the commies hand in hand.

Not much history is available from 1950 to 1970, or what is known as the Dark Ages of soda. While this statement is an unconscionable fabrication, [the truth] is information far too boring to relate, mostly involving sunshine, Beatniks and prosperity. But things got interesting in the Cold War of the seventies, when Pepsi recruited flower children to "Join the Pepsi People." Their mind-control techniques and communal philosophies were in direct opposition to the earlier leanings. Disaster struck as a result of a nuclear accident. In what was known as "The Pepsi Syndrome," (documented by the Not Ready For Primetime Players) the 39th President Jimmy Carter was turned into a rampaging giant. In actuality, it was Coke that caused the meltdown.

The Coke-heads seemed to be sampling their own product when they announced in 1985 that they were changing the formula to a sweeter, more Pepsi-like concoction which no one would have noticed if they hadn't made such a ruckus about it. While New Coke nearly killed the company, Pepsi nearly killed the new Michael Jackson and set off the first Gulf War, which explains why Jackson is now living as Saudi woman. It seemed that despite President Behemoth Carter's efforts, achieving peace in this carbonated time would be as difficult as finding a needle in a Pepsi can. During the syringe hoaxes that marked the Nineties, it became apparent that every American saw Strange Brew 17 times and they heard that when that happens you get your cola free. Speaking of Pepsi Free, that's another marketing ploy that went badly for the joy of the choice of a new Pepsi generation next.

The real thing is that the two-cola system doesn't fairly represent all Americans, and many feel that they've been abandoned by bottling companies who are pretty much shilling the same swill. Disaffected consumers are turning to the Uncolas, the soft drinks that aren't colas at all, but rather something much, much more. This continual demand that they choose up sides has many disavowing the same old gritty syrup. They latch on to the independents and fringe groups with outlandish claims like "Drink Barqs…it's good." But whatever tickles your innards, we can all agree that the fountaineers are Why They Hate America.

Please place all complaints in a 12oz glass bottle, put a cork in it, and shove it in your receptacle. (We call this a colanoscopy.) No deposit, no return.

-Ewan Wadharmi

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