"Now there are seven kinds of Coke/500 kinds of cigarettes/This
freedom of choice in the USA drives everybody crazy."- X
"See How We Are"
Another reason why "They" hate America. Americans are
called upon regularly to choose up sides, and everyone knows there
can be only two; the right side and their side. It's U.S. vs. the
proverbial "Them." You're not in Proverbia anymore, so
are you red or blue?
The Cola Wars: When Will The
The sibling rivalry between the cola superpowers has been raging
for 120 years now. Collateral damage has claimed the credibility
of Bill Cosby, The Spice Girls, and Britney Spears,
all respectable artists lured into lurid complicity by Faustian
corporate beverage makers. For those innocents caught in the cross-fire,
we owe a debt of contrition. We are compelled by all that is pure
and refreshing to fulfill the promise made by The New Seekers
to "Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony." And Neil
Young and Billy Joel will lead us to this Paradise.
Fueled by cocaine, the early Coca-Cola party struck a nerve with
its opiate for the masses. It immediately deadened said nerve. Pepsi
introduced its own snake oil, which it pushed as a cure for dyspepsia,
and the prophecy came to fruition. Coca-cola, when introduced to
Taiwan or China (depending on whom you believe,) was translated
as "Bite the wax tadpole." This supposed mistranslation
was actually a code for entrenched Free Masons to bring about the
Red Cola Revolution. Meanwhile, the Asian world was offered the
empty promise, "Pepsi will raise your ancestors from the dead!"
The two warring factions amassed powerful and evil allies. In the
thirties, lacking the addictive coca additive, Coke put on a patriotic
front that belied its secret ties to the Nazis. (True.) The Pepsi
contingent countered by bribing a young right-wing senator by the
name of Joseph McCarthy. (Also true!) But at least they fought
against the commies hand in hand.
Not much history is available from 1950 to 1970, or what is known
as the Dark Ages of soda. While this statement is an unconscionable
fabrication, [the truth] is information far too boring to relate,
mostly involving sunshine, Beatniks and prosperity. But things got
interesting in the Cold War of the seventies, when Pepsi recruited
flower children to "Join the Pepsi People." Their mind-control
techniques and communal philosophies were in direct opposition to
the earlier leanings. Disaster struck as a result of a nuclear accident.
In what was known as "The Pepsi Syndrome," (documented
by the Not Ready For Primetime Players) the 39th President
Jimmy Carter was turned into a rampaging giant. In actuality,
it was Coke that caused the meltdown.
The Coke-heads seemed to be sampling their own product when they
announced in 1985 that they were changing the formula to a sweeter,
more Pepsi-like concoction which no one would have noticed if they
hadn't made such a ruckus about it. While New Coke nearly killed
the company, Pepsi nearly killed the new Michael Jackson
and set off the first Gulf War, which explains why Jackson is now
living as Saudi woman. It seemed that despite President Behemoth
Carter's efforts, achieving peace in this carbonated time would
be as difficult as finding a needle in a Pepsi can. During the syringe
hoaxes that marked the Nineties, it became apparent that every American
saw Strange Brew 17 times and they heard that when that happens
you get your cola free. Speaking of Pepsi Free, that's another marketing
ploy that went badly for the joy of the choice of a new Pepsi generation
The real thing is that the two-cola system doesn't fairly represent
all Americans, and many feel that they've been abandoned by bottling
companies who are pretty much shilling the same swill. Disaffected
consumers are turning to the Uncolas, the soft drinks that aren't
colas at all, but rather something much, much more. This continual
demand that they choose up sides has many disavowing the same old
gritty syrup. They latch on to the independents and fringe groups
with outlandish claims like "Drink Barqs
But whatever tickles your innards, we can all agree that the fountaineers
are Why They Hate America.
Please place all complaints in a 12oz glass bottle, put a cork
in it, and shove it in your receptacle. (We call this a colanoscopy.)
No deposit, no return.
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