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It’s a great testament to my fortitude, not just as a film
critic but also as a human being, that I was able to sit through
this film without strangling myself with my own shoelaces.
While it may be a bit early in the season, I officially nominate
New Best Friend for the dubious distinction of Worst
Film, 2002. I suppose I should break it down for you good
folks, though really, it’s kinda of like making fun of a kid
with a serious handicap. It just feels wrong to pick on a
movie as inept and useless as this one is.
Where to start… okay, the plot. The plot is pretty unoriginal,
or at least unimaginative. There’s been a drug overdose on
a college campus and the stricken girl’s parents think that
there was foul play afoot. So they force the dean of the school
to enlist the local sheriff to suss things out. He interviews
everyone and, in flashbacks, we see the tale of a girl, Alicia,
who starts out unpopular, befriends the “Cool Girls,” and
proceeds to screw all of them over. The writer (obvious first-timer
Victoria Strouse) is desperate to shock us with Alicia’s
evil turn, but I’m fairly certain that we all saw it coming
just after the credits. In fact, there isn’t a single moment
of surprise in the entire movie, leaving you sitting in your
seat practically saying the dialogue before the characters
have a chance to. Which leads to the other problem with the
script. Nowhere in the film does any character say anything
even remotely resembling words an actual college student would
speak. The dialogue sounds like a 40-year-old man’s idea of
how “those hip youngsters” talk. It’s pretty sad.
Next, let’s discuss the cast and their characters, such as
they are. The three popular girls are played to varying degrees
of awfulness, with the stand-out being Dominique Swain,
but only because she showed her breasts. The lead unpopular/popular/surprise-bitch
girl is played by Mia Kirshner, who reaches levels
of lifelessness previously seen only in plywood. But the big-time,
mortally embarrassing, possibly career-ending performance
belongs unquestionably to Taye Diggs as the local sheriff,
Artie. Diggs is so laughably bad, it speaks volumes to his
own self-delusions and vainglory that he didn’t recognize
what he was doing and walk off the set. For starters, his
role of sheriff is defined solely by the extremely fake-looking
badge he wears pinned to his fashionable shirts. He comes
across less like an officer of the law and more like the sheriff
of the local The Gap. If that wasn’t bad enough, he decides
to “enhance” his performance by speaking in a southern accent
that makes Boss Hogg sound like David Niven by comparison.
I swear to Christ that I’ve seen Diggs turn in a decent performance
or two in his career, so I am absolutely mystified as to what
he thought he was doing in this film. I suppose it didn’t
help that he was forced to utter ridiculous lines like, “Colored
paper… I’ve seen this before!” Hell, Anthony Hopkins
would lose dignity saying that.
I could go on. Believe me, there’s enough bad here to take
up a few days worth of columns. However, there really is no
point. It goes without saying that the direction was marred
by a complete lack of competence, so why harp on it? I’ve
made it clear that there wasn’t a worthwhile minute, hell
even a moment, in the entire picture, so why continue to throw
stones? I guess the real reason to stop now is that there
is no point wasting any more breath on a movie that, besides
being truly bad, will only play in theaters for a week and
be seen by mainly the cast and crew’s families. This movie
has nothing to offer anyone and there is absolutely no reason
it should have been made. End of story.
—Clinton Davis
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out
of 5
