You know the very first review ever I wrote for this site was a
Donald Petrie (How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days,
Miss Congeniality) movie, the inexplicably painful Welcome
To Mooseport. And two years later, Petrie does not fail
to disappoint, delivering an even more painful, torturous, and execrable
This time it’s a romantic one starring teen it-girl Lindsay
Lohan as public relations secretary Ashley Albright. It’s
set up so we see Ashley’s ridiculously good luck, juxtaposed
with Jake Hardin (Pine), who has nothing but bad
luck. So ultimately their paths must cross and they will have the
much predictable REVERSAL OF FORTUNES!!! Yes it’s that kind
of comedy. The ol’ switcheroo where the two main characters
lives are turned upside down. A lot of these movies were made in
the ’80s. The difference is they were actually pretty good.
Trading Places this is not.
So yeah, Jake’s a fucking clod and an embarrassment and he
can’t hook McFly, a British band he wants to rep, up to a
gig. But at a masquerade ball that he sneaks into, disguised as
a hired dancer, he gets to dance with Ashley and they kiss. Now
young people, do you do that a lot, just kissy kissy, smoochy smoochy
with people you don’t know while you are generally sober at
a party? So due to the twinkle soundtrack, and after suddenly becoming
clumsy, Ashley has lost her luck and given it to Jake. Ashley’s
life gets flushed down the toilet and things start happening for
After a soothsayer who saw this in tarot cards and tried to warn
Ashley lets her know the score, Ashley realizes she has to kiss
Jake to magically get her luck back. Problem: She doesn’t
know who Jake is. So she goes around town kissing all the dancers
hired to work at the masquerade ball in order to get her luck back.
You’d have to be a blind fucking dumb-shit idiot not to recognize
Ashley, seeing as how she wasn’t even wearing a mask at the
party. But instead of just asking the dancers if they remember kissing
her at the masquerade party they worked, she goes up to them and
kisses them and scratches a lottery ticket to see if she gets her
luck back. I hate this writing, what kind of writing is this?
You want another example of the horrid writing in this movie?
Ashley, after losing her luck, asks her friend, Dana (Turner),
her horoscope. And Dana replies with, “Your moon is in Uranus.”
Yes folks, a Uranus joke. It’s so funny and hilarious that
the writers can think of a biting and brilliant joke as that in
which they say Uranus. Yup, that PG-13 rating sure is edgy because
you can say things like Uranus! URANUS! URANUS! URANUS! YOUR ANUS!
There I said your anus! What are you going to do to me now Hollywood!
Arrest me for saying your anus instead of Uranus?!
Of course Jake and Ashley’s paths cross again, and there are
more switches, and you should be able to figure out how this movie
ends, but because I could care less about ruining it, I’ll
give a little hint. The final scene is a “romantic”
one that takes place at Central Station. It was so romantic I wanted
I’m also sick of the music for these crappy movies. You know
what I’m talking about. The musical score for a movie that
has lots of piano key notes, it sounds like twinkling. Movies still
have musical scores like this.
Lohan? What can I say, she can’t carry a film. She doesn’t
have any gravitas or presence. All she has nowadays is her cleavage,
which she has no problem with flaunting here. Pine? I found his
character embarrassing, more pathetic than sympathetic.
This movie is simply more proof that Hollywood can’t make
quality romantic comedies any more. This is just high-concept trash.
—Jeffrey “The Vile One” Harris