Chasing Amy meets Rain Man meets the mob. Confused? Trust me,
you’re not alone, and unfortunately for Gigli, that
combination doesn’t translate any better on screen than it
does in print.
Larry Gigli (Affleck) is a novice hitman assigned
to kidnap Brian (Bartha), the mentally challenged brother
of a federal prosecutor. Fearing Gigli’s incompetence, his
boss hires Ricki (Lopez), a free-spirited contractor,
to supervise Gigli. As the two spend more time together, their
professional relationship becomes a lot more personal when
Gigli starts to fall in love.
Nothing about this film makes sense. We’re told that Gigli
is a screw-up, bad enough of a screw-up to warrant sending
in Ricki to keep an eye on him. Yet, we never actually see
Gigli screw up. He seems adept enough, given he was able to
waltz in and kidnap Brian from the mental institution without
so much as an eyebrow raised by the hospital staff or security.
Then there’s Brian, whose obsessions with “Baywatch” and bedtime
stories, among other idiosyncrasies, are neither funny nor
charming, merely irritating. Then, of course, there’s Ricki
and Gigli. Their love/hate relationship is considerably more
love than hate which would be fine except for one minor detail…
she’s a lesbian—a fact which was conveniently left out of
all promos and trailers. Wonder why? The plot is dreadful
enough as it is without adding this twist.
The dialogue is terrible, with the most atrocious lines reserved
for Lopez. Even she seems embarrassed hearing some of the
things that are coming out of her mouth. Case in point, in
what could be one of the worst pick-up lines in movie history,
Ricki invites Gigli into bed with a wink, a smile, and, “It’s
turkey time! Gobble, Gobble!” Throw in a highly cringe-worthy
scene involving Ricki and yoga, and you begin to wonder why
Lopez even took this role in the first place. And just when
you think things couldn’t possibly get worse, there’s Al
Pacino with a ponytail, yelling at the top of his lungs,
and Lainie Kazan in a hot pink thong.
To her credit, Lopez is not entirely horrible, which is more
than I can say for Affleck. In fact, she does the best she
can with what she’s given. It’s not her fault the script is
laughable. In the end, Lopez is the only one who manages to
escape this disaster with a little bit of dignity… and I do
mean little. And as for the million dollar question: Do Affleck
and Lopez have chemistry? Yes, they do, but not enough to
salvage this train wreck of a movie.
As a side note, Christopher Walken has a cameo.
Why? I don’t know, but it certainly didn’t help.