Features
Reviews
Must Hear Music
Reviews Archives
Archives
Bargain Basement
Downloads
Music DVD
Upstart
Pipsqueaks
 
 
 
Features
Reviews
Archives
Send Us Mail
Contact Us
 
 

CATWOMAN (PG-13) (2004)

Warner Bros.

Official Site

Director: Pitof

Producers: Denise Di Novi, Edward McDonnell

Written by: John Brancato & Michael Ferris; John Rogers, Theresa Rebeck; from characters created by Bob Kane

Cast: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Lambert Wilson, Alex Borstein, Frances Conroy, Kim Smith, Bryon Mann, Michael Massee

 Rating:


Let me just start off with a modest proposal: that everyone involved in making of this film be dragged out onto the streets and shot, both to prevent even the possibility of a sequel being made, and as a warning to anyone considering making a movie this bad ever again. And yes, it really is that bad.

Catwoman, as you probably know, is a DC comic book character who originally appeared in the pages of Batman several decades ago. Over the years the sometime-foe, sometime-comrade of the caped crusader has been memorably rendered on television, by Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt, and more recently by Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns. A Catwoman project has been kicked around for years in Hollywood and now finally Warner Bros. has coughed one up. Unfortunately this isn’t classic Catwoman character Selina Kyle, but rather a whole new person named Patience Phillips (Berry) so that means no Batman, no Tim Burton, and apparently no brains either.

What we do have is a director named Pitof (which I’m guessing is French for Joel Schumacher), a lousy script, a horrendous supporting cast, and Halle Berry making a damn fool out of herself.

The story starts off by introducing us to Patience, a commercial artist for a giant cosmetics firm, Hedare, that’s about to release a dangerous new anti-aging cream. Patience accidentally finds out the truth about the product’s side effects and is promptly killed by the some of the cosmetics company’s gun-toting goons. Luckily for Patience, she has an unknown benefactor in the form of an ancient cat god who has chosen her to become the new Catwoman.

So now the hitherto mild-mannered Patience is transformed into the vivacious Catwoman. She has the speed and strength of a cat, as well as a love for catnip, cat food, milk, and staring at fish. Yes, there are some rather lame attempts at humor over her literally being a Catwoman, but unfortunately at no point does Halle give herself a bath with her tongue. As Catwoman, Patience sets out to avenge her death and expose the side effects of Hedare’s new aging cream (BTW those side effects are that it’s addictive, toxic, and it makes people almost totally invulnerable to injury. Hard to believe the FDA would overlook those sorts of details, but then again if the MPAA can certify this film fit for human consumption, I guess anything’s possible.)

From here the story proceeds exactly as you would imagine it. Catwoman fights some bad guys, then gets framed for murder; the cop put in charge of the Catwoman investigation just happens to be Patience’s tepid romantic interest (which leads to an unintentionally hilarious scene where they do a calligraphy/personality test). Patience goes to jail, but gets out to clear her name, and it ends with a goofy climactic fight with a nigh-invulnerable Sharon Stone.

There’s not one good thing about this film. Nothing is done well. The fight scenes are very choppily edited, the story is strictly by the numbers, and the cast is incredibly obnoxious. Particularly awful are Patience’s best friend Sally (Borstein), as an oversexed-in-the-city gal, and Lambert Wilson, who affects a terrible British accent to play the hissably snide owner of Hedare, in a performance that I found even more annoying than his Merovingian in the Matrix films. Still, special scorn has to reserved for the screenwriters who actually wrote the cringe-worthy dialogue and crafted this remarkably stupid story in what I suspect might have been a conscious effort to try and top Batman And Robin for the title of dumbest comic book movie ever!

—Edward Rholes

hybridCinema Ratings Guide:

Take a pal and pay full price for both tickets.

Itís worth a full-price ticket.

Itís worth a matinee ticket.

Wait for video rental.

Check out the video from the library, if you must.

While we would never encourage anyone to destroy a video...


Mike Doughty



none now
-------


South By Southwest 2014
David DeVoe

South By Southwest 2013
David DeVoe

Red Hook Music Festival
George Dow

SXSW 2012
David DeVoe

Our Favorite Records 2011
Hybrid Staff

AWOLNation
Rachel Fredrickson

Kanrocksas
Rachel Fredrickson

Warped Tour 2011
Rachel Fredrickson

Eddie Spaghetti
Melissa Skrbic-Huss

Murder By Death
Mike DeLeo


Mike Doughty
Boulder, CO

Epilogues
Denver, CO

Imagine Dragons
Denver, CO

Sebadoh
Cambridge, MA

Young Magic
Denver, CO

Warped Tour 2012
Denver, CO

Thrice
Denver, CO

Mike Doughty
Denver, CO

MuteMath
Kansas City, MO

Other Lives
Lawrence, KS

Los Campesinos
Boston, MA

The Civil Wars
Lawrence, KS

Ha Ha Tonka
Lawrence, KS

Thrice
Lawrence, KS


 
hybridmagazine.com is updated daily except when it isn't.
New film reviews are posted every week like faulty clockwork.
Wanna write for hybrid? Send us an e-mail.
© 1996-2009 [noun] digital media. All rights reserved worldwide. All content on hybridmagazine.com and levelheadedmusic.com is the intellectual property of Hybrid Magazine and its respective creators. No part of hybridmagazine.com or levelheadedmusic.com may be reproduced in any format without expressed written permission. For complete masthead and physical mailing address, Click Here.