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XXX is the Hollywood attempt to merge action movies
with extreme sports. The concept is simple: Vin Diesel
is Xander Cage, an anti-authority figure who makes a living
recording his outrageous stunts, like driving a state legislator’s
Corvette off a bridge to its fiery demise 700 feet below.
This fast living catches up with Xander, and he is “drafted”
into the war on terror by NSA agent August Gibbons ( Jackson).
Gibbons is in desperate need of someone of Xander’s talents
to infiltrate the terrorist cell Anarchy 99. After some training,
Xander goes to Prague, meeting Anarchy 99’s leader, Yorgi
( Csokas), and his girlfriend, Yelena ( Argento).
The movie becomes even more predictable as Xander infiltrates
Anarchy 99, deduces its nefarious plot, and saves the world
as we know it.
These types of movies don’t rely on great acting. And it’s
a good thing, too. Marton Csokas fails, on both physical and
cerebral levels, to inspire fear. Effete and sporting long
hair, we know he’s no match for Vin Diesel. Yorgi is the typical
insane supervillain, but at least Csokas chooses not to take
the yelling, screaming option some actors have used. He opts
instead to go for soft-spoken and understated. Too understated.
We never have any reading on who he is. We do know he’s from
Russia, because he manages to keep a consistent accent. Yelena
starts as an icy-hearted woman, but her cold heart is soon
melted by Xander’s hot body. Soon she is simply reduced to
an appendage of Vin Diesel. Samuel L. Jackson must have taken
this part knowing he could phone in a performance and still
look better than anyone else.
This film rests squarely on Vin Diesel’s meaty shoulder,
and he is Xander Cage as only he could be. He is bigger, badder,
and buffer than ever, imbuing even the worst dialogue
with a sense of, well, bad-assness. A man with his talents
will never want for work.
Action, not acting is the draw of XXX and it has
more than enough of that to satisfy its apparent target audience—young
boys. The numerous action scenes all suffer from the same
problem: they’re too unbelievable and too loud. It’s okay
to show Xander jumping from a motorcycle 30 feet into the
air, but is it necessary to show it five times in three minutes?
The filmmaker treats action sequences like bad jokes: If the
gag doesn’t work the first time, push it. None of the rules
of physics or biology seem to apply to Xander. He is, in his
own words, “untouchable,” which totally removes any fleeting
element of suspense from the movie.
No, this movie is just too loud, both in the auditory sense
and in the feeling of excess that pervades the entire production.
The sound is turned up to eardrum-splitting levels, which
may be to the movie’s advantage, since you’ll wonder whether
it’s the volume that makes your head hurt or merely this mind-numbingly
stupid movie.
Despite being about a “new breed” of secret agent, there’s
nothing new here. The only thing XXX has going for
it is the undeniable charm and sex appeal of Vin Diesel. It’s
his movie all the way. But watching his movie can make people
lose IQ points, like all of them. How stupid is it? So stupid
that writing about this movie made me feel stupider. In the
stupid steeplechase, this is the movie to beat. Here’s what
you’ll experience if you watch it. One soon realizes that
in watching this movie, one is killing brain cells, without
any of the beneficial effects of consuming, say, alcohol.
Next, one notices that he or she has paid cold, hard cash
to achieve this effect. Instead of watching XXX, take
a screwdriver and place it pointing toward your skull, then
have a friend drive it in with a sledgehammer. At least that
exercise would be free.
XXX is best served by video rental, where you and
your pals can talk over the bad parts (all of it), and laugh
at the preposterous.
—Woodrow Bogucki
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While we would never encourage anyone to destroy a video... 
