High
school students Allie Black (James) and
Courtney Davis (Cassidy) seem to have
too little in common to be the closest
of chums, but they are, and this is just
the first of many glaring missteps in
the dreadful gender comedy EQUINOX KNOCKS.
These
two Texas teens--one the brainy, athletic
girlfriend of the quarterback and the
other a spell-reading, wannabe witch--share
only their status as outcasts and perennial
targets of the school's highest caste,
led by the poisonously evil Lynette (Voiles).
With her clique, The Ettes--Rayette, Donette,
Duh'Ette, and Dinette--Lynette goes to
extremes with unbelievably bad schemes
to ruin Allie and steal her hunky, football-player
boyfriend, Matt (Corrigan).
Meanwhile,
during the titular celestial event, Allie
foolishly mocks pal Courtney's spell-casting
by prancing around the pentangle and asking
to wake up in the morning as a boy. Well,
guess what? Allie wakes up in the body
of a teenaged boy (Adams).
This
magic gone awry yields two hours of: Allie's
transformation into Caleb James (Adams),
a guy who loves barrettes and nail polish
and can rifle a pass the length of the
football field; Courtney as the supportive
best friend who aids and abets Allie/Caleb
in her new gender; Lynette's fevered,
breast-heaving machinations to get next
to anything equipped with a dick and a
football.
Along
the way we encounter the sort of over-the-top
eccentric small-town characters that must
have seemed like hilariously good ideas
in story conference, like the cross-dressing
hotelier Caleb winds up working for or
twisted high school counselor, Mr. Benis
(Miller). Only the characterization of
the rabid-to-win high school football
coach rings true in this mess. And it
is a mess. Don't let anyone tell you it's
camp. Eyebrow-waggling soap operatics
and a musical number do not camp make.
Two
who managed to tread water when all else
was sinking around them--Debra Cassidy
both resembles Sara Gilbert and borrows
a sardonic edge from the Darlene character
("Roseanne") for her performance as Courtney.
Jane Braugh, as Allie's surprisingly unfazed
mom, Officer Peggy Black, moves and speaks
a bit like Holly Hunter.
The
rest--writers, director, actors--went
down with the leaky craft. Bad, bad, bad,
interminably long movie, the kind that
really pains those who applaud DIY filmmaking.
Somewhere out there, someone has a good,
or even adequate, story, with able but
unknown actors, and no money, partly because
stuff like this got made.
EQUINOX
KNOCKS is not recommended, not even for
the folks whose properties were used as
locations in the film. It's that bad.
—Roxanne
Bogucka, an ACTION GRRL!
out of 5
