BB: Bianca Butthole
SN:: Sharon Needles
JM: Judy Molish
BnB: Blare N. Bitch
BAND: Betty Blowtorch (collectively)
HM: Hybrid Magazine - Jason Dunn

Interviewer’s Notes: Certain, unrelated parts of my conversation were edited from my recording to maintain continuity, and to keep you from losing interest. I also edited out the questions that didn't go anywhere or really get answered. Some statements are slightly paraphrased to improve understanding since there were some periods where everyone was talking at once, and I had to dissect my recording to make a unified, complete statement.

I got a chance recently to interview the all-girl Hard Rock band Betty Blowtorch at their appearance in Denver at the Lion's Lair. I had some preconceptions of what my interview might be like; most of them involved me running for my life down some poorly lit alleyway along Colfax with the fearsome four in hot pursuit. Chicks like that can smell fear, I'm sure of it. My fear abated some when I realized that I might actually weigh more than the whole band, collectively. I don't know what it is, but they sure looked bigger in the press kit photo. Shortly after starting to talk with them, I felt quite comfortable around them, since we had the common affinity for outrageous humor, and little patience for pop-culture trash. The thing that startled me most is how different they were. Blare, was the tallest, but also the quietest. She sat in the back of the van and gave faint answers to my questions. She probably sat in the back of the class. So did I, but I was a loudmouth so it never helped me. Bianca was sexy, slinky and ultra-confident. She poured herself into her chair, and wore the smart-ass smirk of the self-assured. Her sentences were slow and deliberate; her answers wry and dry. She was Natasha, all the way, baby. (From Rocky and Bullwinkle)

Sharon was loud, giggly and hyper. I can see her as the only band member who doesn't need a shot of espresso to wake up in the morning. Her enthusiasm was powerful and infectious. I imagine she is the most entertaining person to be around, especially when she's all wound up. Judy was short and tiny, with the exception of her drummer's arms, which made her look pretty tough. She was often quiet, until she had something to say, and then you got the full story. She reminded me of Scrappy Doo, especially when it involved talk of kicking J-Lo's ass. (I'd pay to see that!)

I hoped that they would be a fairly raucous and goofy bunch to interview, so I came up with some gross and disturbing questions to ask them (along with some serious ones, too) to see how they would react. Some of them were not real successful, but the good ones made up plenty of material for this interview.

I also discovered that everyone loves to say "P. Diddy!" Go ahead and try it. I dare you...

BB: You're locked in the van with us- ha ha ha... Are you scared?

HM: Uh oh, my mother warned me about this...

BAND: (laughs, and minor cheering)

HM: Okay, I'm going to start off with a serious question here: When writing music, do you write for your own edification and hope it's commercially viable, or do you have a particular, targeted audience in mind?

BB: Commercially viable? Good Lord, we don't know what that is. What the fuck?

SN:: Those are awfully big words...

HM: So do you just make the music that suits your personal tastes?

BnB: Well, it's the only thing we know how to write.

BB: Yeah, true.

HM: MTV Music Awards: does anybody care?

BB: No.

BnB: Huh-uh.

HM: Have you ever (cared)?

BB: Nope, I don't think I've ever seen one.

HM: Yeah, I don't think I ever have either.

SN:: I didn't even know it was on, (friend whose name I can't decipher 'cause I had my big mouth open) called and said, "You didn't watch? I thought for sure you would watch!"

BB: Britney Spears rules.

HM: I think *Nsync won a bunch of awards.

JM: *Nsync N-schmync.

BB: *Nsync is better than the Backstreet Boys.

ALL: (Laughter all around)

JM: Actually, you know who I did see? That uh, what's that chick's-Alicia or something...

HM: Aaliyah?

JM: -Aaliyah, or something...

HM: The one who died in the plane crash? (I had my events mixed up. I forgot that Aaliyah had died before the MTV Music Awards.)

JM: No, no. She was this chick who played the piano; she sang and had a little band, and a choir came in. She was only about 20 years old, and she was really good. I was quite impressed.

HM: Um, I don't think that would make me watch it.

BnB: Yeah, me neither.

HM: O-Town, *Nsync, or the Backstreet Boys: who would you rather gang-rape?

JM: Say again?

HM: O-Town, *Nsync, or the Backstreet Boys: who would you rather gang-rape?

JM: O-Town, who's that?

HM: That's the band that Lou Pearlman made for a TV show.

BB: Oh my god.

SN:: Fred Murtz!

JM: Yeah, Fred Murtz.

BnB: Barney!

JM: Fred Murtz is what we say when don't really want to choose.

SN:: It's our default answer.

JM: Now, who were the other ones?

HM: *Nsync and the Backstreet Boys. Lou Pearlman made all three of them.

JM: Oh.

BnB: Britney Spears! (From the back of the van)

BB: Blare says Britney Spears. Yeah, Britney Spears.

JM: I'd go with Britney Spears on that one.

JM & BB: (begin clapping and yelling "Britney")

SN:: Fred Murtz!

HM: Who?

BAND: Fred Murtz!

BB: You know, from I Love Lucy?

HM: (finally dawns) Oooohhhhh.

JM: Whenever there's somebody we can't stand, we just say "Fred Murtz."

HM: Fred Murtz. That's good. Should there be a law against changing your name to P. Diddy?

JM: Excuse me?

SN:: P. Diddy!

BB: P. Diddy, you know, Puff Daddy changed his name.

JM: He did?

BB: See, I'm soooooo not hip. Puff Daddy, Schmuff Daddy. P. Diddy.

SN:: P. Diddy!

HM: If you were going to have a 'Puff' name what would it be?

JM: (authoritatively) Cream Puff.

BB: Sharon, yours should be Cocoa Puff.

SN:: Cocoa Puff! (Laughs) -But, there already is a 'Cocoa Puff'.

HM: There was an Afro Puff too. She had these two, huge, Princess Leia-like things goin' on on the side of her head.

SN:: That's rad.

BB to BnB: You should be Muff Puff.

BnB: Yeah, Muff Puff!

SN:: Muff Puff Plus.

JM pointing at BB: Puff Puff.

BB: Yeah, Puff Puff. Ok, we've got Cream Puff, Puff Puff, Cocoa Puff and Muff Puff. The Big Muff Puff.

SN:: I know, I was going to say Muff Puff Plus. The Big Muff Puff...Plus.

HM: That's a mouthful.

BB: Double-A

HM: What is the best, worst movie?

BB: Bubble Boy.

BAND: (Much laughter. Betty Blowtorch briefly appeared in Bubble Boy.)

BB: That IS the worst movie.

HM: Should I go see Bubble Boy, and should I pay full price or wait for the dollar theaters?

BAND: NO!

SN:: You guys haven't even seen it yet!

BB: I have. I thought it wasn't as bad as everybody said.

BnB: Wait for it on DVD, it will have some of the deleted scenes in it.

HM: Are you in any of the deleted scenes?

JM: I have no idea.

BnB: We're probably in most of the deleted scenes.

BB: ‘Cause we're not really in any of the actual scenes.

SN:: The only thing that was really left out was the bus scene. We were on there way longer than I thought we were gonna be.

BnB: You know, they have this whole unedited version that they filmed and you're getting about five seconds of the actual live footage.

This carried on too long, and had lost its way by this point...

HM: Okay, next question. Mojo Nixon states that Elvis is everywhere. How much Elvis do you have in you? And is it skinny, sexy Elvis, or fat, drunk Elvis?

SN:: Skinny, sexy Elvis. I fuckin' grew up on that shit.

BB: I listened to him before anything else. Fat, sweaty, drunk Elvis.

HM: That's the man for you?

BB: That's the man for me.

BnB: Are you serious?

BB: Elvis rules. He is The King.

SN:: He is.

BB: I'm talkin' the gaudy, disgusting-

HM: Rhinestoned...

BB: Puff Daddy Elvis.

HM: Who will buy Michael Jackson's skeleton when he dies? Will there be anything left?

BB: Paul McCartney. (Bianca answered that one too quickly. She must have thought of that possibility. The answer was too perfect to be spontaneous.)

HM: Wow, good guess.

JM: Good answer!

SN:: (giggles)

HM: I guess that's only fitting, considering that he (MJ) bought all the rights to McCartney's music.

BB: See? Told ya.

BnB: Ya know what? (At this point, Blare gets drowned out by everybody else.)

BB: And then he's gonna torch it...

JM: Michael Jackson's an alien.

HM: Ya know, I believe that.

BnB: That's what my mom told me anyway. (I wish I knew what she said. Maybe she was making references to the MJ as Alien thing, but I'll never be sure. Blare was too quiet, and too far from the recorder. Unfortunately, Sharon and I were the loudest, and the closest to the mic.)

HM: Ummmm. Ok, is Clint Eastwood still a badass or what?

BAND: Yeah!

HM: Did you know he listens to Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's Greatest Hits?

BB: Nooooooooooooo.

HM: He said that in an interview, but then his publicist said that he was only joking.

BB: That can't be true...

SN:: Who cares? He's HOT!

BnB: He is hot! Who fuckin' cares? He's hot. He's still hot.

HM: And he's still a badass.

SN:: He is still a badass.

BB: Still a badass.

HM: What should Pay-Per-View charge to let America watch the Olsen Twins "lez out"?

BB: Oh God, you couldn't pay me to watch that.

SN:: The who?

JM: The Olsen twins. You know, from Full House?

BnB: I don't know that.

SN:: Oh, those chicks? Ewwwwwwww. Kiss my ass!

JM: These two little twins, they were on Full House, now they've got their own little show...

BB & JM: Fred Murtz.

SN:: Yeah Fred Murtz.

JM: I'd rather watch Fred and Desi go at it than watch that.

JM: Yeah...

HM: You'd have to re-animate them though.

JM: That's true.

BnB: I still don't know who that is.

BB: I'd rather watch a lady fuck a donkey than watch that.

JM: You don't know who the Olsen twins are?

BB: It don't matter, you'll figure it out.

HM: You're right. It doesn't matter. Will your album help people in an Anne Murray, Barry Manilow sort of way, or hurt them in a Marilyn Manson, Judas Priest sort of way?

BAND: Hmmmmm.

JM: Probably a little of both. There's something for everyone on this record.

HM: I noticed that.

BB: I don't know about the Barry Manilow part, though.

BnB: I think he was thinking "Shut Up And Fuck" when he wrote his ballads. ("Shut Up And Fuck" is the name of one of Betty Blowtorch's songs.)

JM: Yep, could be.

BB: I think everybody thinks "Shut Up And Fuck"

JM: They're just afraid to say it.

BB: Exactly. They have to say "Shut up and make looove."

HM: So, when you write your music, do you do it with the intention of trying to bait groups like the PMRC, or to generate negative press?

SN:: No.

BnB: No.

BB: Not at all.

JM: We just do our thing.

BB: We don't think of that shit at all.

BnB: We're not that organized.

BB: You know, we're just a bunch of smart-ass women with a lot of time, and we couldn't even write a serious song if we tried to. I mean, we have the one serious song, "Love Hate", and there's still just a little bit of humor to it. You know, it's just that we can't help it.

HM: What value does the music industry place on originality?

BB: Not much, these days. Everyone sounds like everyone else.

SN:: (scoffs) Yeah, they would rather have everyone sound the same.

BnB: If that weren't the case, we'd be huge.

HM: That's because bands have become product, and not art.

BB: Exactly.

SN:: Yeah.

BB: You know, I was thinking about this just the other day. If you go back to the rock bands of the '70s, they all had their own sound. They all were great rock bands... with their own sound, and no one was trying to sound like anyone else. If you go out on these tours, every other band sounds the same. It's like hearing the same song, All—Day--Long.

JM: What ever happened to taking a chance?

BB: Yeah, just a little originality here is all we're askin' for.

HM: My cousin had a good term for that. He called it Stone-Temple-Pearl-Jam.

SN: & JM: Yeah.

BB: Yeah, it's just--I don't understand it.

HM: It's become too money-driven.

BnB: It's product.

BB: It's canned SPAM.

HM: So, then how do artists go about changing the perspectives of music executives…

BB: Blow 'em.

HM: …so that they'll take a chance on something that is original?

BB: I think you have to do anal sex. I don't think blow jobs cut it any more.

HM: Or maybe if you brought a little boy...

BB: Yeah. I think that they want to be dominated, so you've got to tie them up, and then give them anal sex.

BnB: No, we're just gonna do our own thing, and eventually they'll catch on.

BB: Exactly.

BnB: They'll be sorry later.

JM: It don't matter, we're just gonna do our own thing.

HM: Who is Betty Blowtorch?

BAND: We are. (Duh. Shoulda thought o' that one.)

HM: Is she a specific person?

BB: We are!

SN:: We are! (Laughs)

BB: Sorry.

HM: So is that it?

BB: No. Who is Betty Blowtorch?

HM: Yeah.

BAND: Hmmmmmm.

SN:: They're them broads that'll hump ya on top o' the car!

HM: Like it says in your press kit?

SN:: Exactly.

BnB: Betty Blowtorch is whatever you want her to be.

JM: Whatever.

BB: Ya know, I gotta tell ya, ever since that press release came out, I've had a lot of offers from a lot of ugly men.

SN:: What, just to change their oil?

ALL: (gales of laughter)

BnB: I need an oil change!

BB: I just want you to know, that I do have standards. Thank you.

HM: Does Betty Blowtorch use her sexuality to entice her audience, or as an instrument of intimidation?

BnB: Neither.

HM: It just is?

BB: Yeah, it's just expression. I don't know why we like to express that side of ourselves, but we do. It's just fun.

BAND: Yeah.

BnB: (from the back) Double-As can be sluts too ya know. I'd just like to say that.

BB: That's Blare. She's a Double-A (Never explicitly stated, but it must be her bra cup size.)

BnB: Double-As can be sluts too!

BB: Judy's a Double-D...

JM: Oh, I am not!

HM: If you were a Barbie Doll, what would they call you?

JM: Slugger Barbie.

BnB: Anal Alice!

SN:: Ho ho hooooo!

BB: That's not true.

SN:: That's Blare! Double-A: Anal Alice.

HM: This question is in reference to your song "Size Queen": How tall must one be to "ride the rides?"

SN:: At least 6' 2".

HM: !!!!!!

JM: I dunno.

SN:: Oh, you're talkin' about-

BB: "Size Queen."

SN:: Yeah.

BB: Well?

SN:: It's about girth, not length.

BB: I'll say that I'll go for average, six inches.

SN:: Prefers seven

JM: But it's got to have width.

BB: Yeah, a little width please...

SN:: No pencils!

BB: Exactly, no pencils.

SN:: If ya got a pencil, ya might as well be lickin'!

BB: If ya got a pencil, don't even bother.

I asked a question about Vanilla Ice, who rapped on their song "Size Queen". It went nowhere, I got a few Fred Murtz in reply. They are clearly tired of being asked about him, so I let it drop. Quickly.

HM: Have you ever made a grown man cry?

BAND: Oh yeah, plenty.

JM: Are you kidding? Hello?

BB: Hey you know, grown men have made me cry...

BnB: Fuckers.

BB: But, they can't make me cry anymore.

HM: In your opinion, who is the biggest media whore in the industry?

BB: Courtney Love.

HM: Courtney Love?

BB: Shit yeah, and Madonna.

SN:: Yeah, Madonna.

JM: J-Lo. Fuckin' hate her.

ALL: (laughs)

JM: Yeah J-Lo. I'll fuckin' slap her if I ever see her... Oh, sorry.

BB: She kinda is annoying.

JM: (sullenly) She didn't act nice to the puppet dog.

SN:: What are you talking about? Puppy dog?

JM: No, you know on Conan, there's that puppet dog? It's just this little comic dog, and it was also on the MTV Awards and it was insulting people, and he went up to J-Lo, and he was like "Hey, let me sniff your ass!" and she got ALL pissed off, and kept pushing it away with her hand. "No-no-no J-Lo, it's a big compliment if a dog wants to sniff your ass!"

SN:: Oh, that's so hot!

JM: And then in the replay, they cut that whole thing out.

SN:: Oh. My. God. That is sooo hot.

HM: They probably had to cut it 'cause she threatened a lawsuit.

JM: Yeah, probably would be a lawsuit.

SN:: (in Linda Richman accent) She's no sense a' humah!

JM: Lighten up J-Lo.

BB: Yeah lighten up big butt.

JM: Let the dog sniff your ass!

HM: How much do you think Americans would pay to see, or to not see Bob Dole nail Britney Spears?

BAND: Oh, gross!

HM: Should Pepsi sponsor it?

BB: Yeah, they should!

HM: Well, they already sponsored the suggestion that he should...

BB: Yeah, I definitely think Pepsi should sponsor that, and then they should put it on the Internet.

BnB: Yeeeesh!

JM: I don't want to see Bob Dole naked.

BB: Yeah, but I want to see Britney naked.

JM: But they should have her with somebody else.

BB: So, who?

JM: With Blare!

BnB: Hey, that's goin' too far.

HM: What does your band offer that no one else does?

SN:: Ass!

BAND: Ass-slappin' fun.

BB: Originality.

JM: Personality.

BB: We're just gonna rock your world.

BnB: It's not that we're original, we just do it better.

JM: They'll just get a good show, so come out and have some fun.

BB: You can expect to get a black eye with my left tit.

SN:: That's Bianca!

HM: What music do you listen to for enjoyment?

SN:: We listen to eeeeeeverything.

JM: Everything, actually.

BnB: No Jazz.

JM: Yeah, no fusion.

BB: We listen to some country. We listen to Hank Williams...

SN:: We listen to disco too.

BB: AC/DC, Van Halen... (And continued to name many others)

HM: Which of these bands do you look to for inspiration?

JM: Kinda all of 'em.

BB: I gotta say The Hellacopters.

HM: The Hellacopters?

BB: Yeah, they're my favorite new band.

JM: Nashville Pussy too. They put on a good show.

HM: I have one of their albums, but I've never seen them live.

BnB: See them live. They're a lot better live.

BB: Yeah, it's worth seeing. I have their last album...

HM: I have the one that had to be covered in black plastic.

BB: Which one was that?

SN:: That's the first one. There was some more back and forth where we figured out which album was which and who had what.

JM: Their live show is really good.

HM: Alright, I guess I have to go see them.

BB: You really should...

BnB: And we love their new bass player.

JM: Yeah, we loooove their new bass player.

SN:: She's hot.

BnB: She is hot, she kicks ass.

BB: She is hot.

HM: So, she replaced Corey Parks?

JM: You know what, she's hotter than Corey Parks because she's brunette. Thank you.

BnB: We all want to bang her. And you will too when you see her.

HM: Uhhhhh. OK. (Not that that could ever happen, but hey, I can play along...)

BB: Except Sharon. She's like "huh-uh not me, man."

JM: She's got good hair, she's a fox.

HM: And how important is good hair?

BAND: Good hair is very important.

HM: Well, that's all of my questions.

BB: You had great questions.

JM: Good job, Jason.

JM: Wow, we de-virginized you.

BB: You got Betty-Banged in the van!

HM: Ha ha ha! That's great! That should be the title of the interview. (And so it is.)

We talked about some other stuff, and I gave them some stickers I brought.

BB: Hey, thanks a lot.

HM: And thank you. You were very gracious.

BB: Nooooooooo.

Sorry, my mistake. Ok, they were gracious enough not to leave me duct-taped to a chair in some abandoned warehouse. --JD

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