Patti Rothberg
Candelabra Cadabra
Cropduster Records

Dear Patti Rothberg,

I have never seen your picture, as your press people send me one of your discs every week wrapped only in paper. Please tell them that I have quite enough of them, Patti Rothberg. But sight unseen, Patti Rothberg, I am willing to venture that you are the cutest little smudgy woopkins since Lisa Loeb. I know some think Bjork is a cuddly bunny, but just say "Welcome to Taiwan" to her and see what happens. She has nothing on you, the adorable Patti Rothberg. Sweet little Patti Rothberg, you make Belinda Carlisle look like she was still in the Germs.

Oh, Patti Rothberg, my syrupy little Mrs Butterworth, "Nothing I Can Say" sounds like you caught a light sneeze. The full production is so smooth and creamy. The happy, dreamy message of love that you direct at me is so sweet. I envision you walking down a red staircase surrounded by sanguine men in penguin suits and top hats. When they interrupt with their stylized forced manly singing, Patti Rothberg, they have no appreciation for your darling voice. They only want you to sit on their knee, Patti Rothberg, so that they can knock you to the floor. The Major Tom handclaps are not nearly as cute as you, my little Marshmallow Peepä . And, my candy-coated Patti Rothberg, "Candelabra Cadabra" is as full of sugar and lard as the OreoÒ stuff that you sing about. When you rhyme the title with "Abre la puerta nirvana. I probably can’t, but I wanna see heaven’s light shine upon us" it’s the cutest stretch since conga, stronga and longa.

"These Are Such Delicate Matters", Patti Rothberg, to inform you that you have all the warmth and modulation of Natalie Merchant, without ever actually sounding like a grownup. The sitar (which is now required in every album) is brief but nice. The drums punctuating each syllable make for an interesting flow. I worry, Patti Rothberg, that phrases like "Political corrections wipe out fluidity of speech" may sound odd on your Care BearÒ soundtrack. Patti Rothberg, your folked up round on "Shadows of Me" is like double-stuff, or eating both Twinkiesä in the pack, twice. This empowerment road-trip is like Thelma & Smurfetteä . On "You Killed My Time", Patti Rothberg, I don’t think twice, it’s alright that you want to sound hurt but have never tasted blight. The guitar work is very lovely and proficient. But like paintings of sad-eyed orphans, there’s no real sorrow. It’s just plain cute. And the attempt at darkness on, "Preyed Upon" is so precious, my saccharine little Patti Rothberg. Your innocent lisp betrays you. The ELP keyboards from nowhere though, those truly are carn-evil.

Dear, sweet Patti Rothberg, "Eggshells" is the fluffiest vomit-inducing pop tidbit Susanna Hoffs never crafted. What’s more, "To A Muse" is…well cute. Perhaps a little too Goddamn cute. To amuse…hmmm, did your mommy help you with this one? "Dish It Out" is a new genre I will be calling Broadway punk because it sounds like Annie gone bad. Lyrically clever, Patti Rothberg, your patronizing sounds exactly like Loonette from Big Comfy Couch. At first I thought you were imitating Iggy Pop on "Moonage Daydream." Then I found out it was a Bowie cover. It even sounds like a Sales brother on guitar. (More like the guitar playing on than the drumming one) Close enough, my Malo-marä , its still fucking cutesy. With songs like "Suffocator", I think you should name your band Veruca Sugar. The acoustic "Late Late Show" is caustically cute with string section and those damn male vocalists again. The ultimate shit-eating cutie cute cuteness, Patti Rothberg, is the disgustingly cute "The Wry It Girl." I get it, another play on words. You have the cutest purge worthy voice in roots folk since Maria Muldaur.

The production and music craft are above reproach. Some nice songwriting and wordplay. The cuddly singing is like Circus PeanutsÒ , you only need one bag and you’re done for life. Not for musical diabetics.

On the sad-eyed orphan scale: one being Webster and ten being Arnold Drumond: Candelabra Cadabra rates four, Punky Brewster.

~Ewan Wadharmi

Track Listing:

1. Nothing I Can Say
2. Candelabra Cadabra
3. Delicate Matters
4. Shadows Of Me
5. You Killed My Time
6. Preyed Upon
7. Eggshells
8. To A Muse
9. Dish It Out
10. Moonage Daydream
11. Suffocator
12. The Late Late Show
13. The Wry It Girl