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Accused of a crime that they did not commit, Skid and Rux are forced to become the Upstart Pipsqueaks... Their duty, to listen to records and tell you what they think of it... Your duty: To care!

Dave Matthews - Under The Table And Dreaming

- the best of what's around-

Rux: Welcome back kids, it’s a new, new fresh Upstart Pipsqueaks with Dave Matthews.

Skid: Live! From parts unknown.

Rux: Speaking of parts unknown…hoohoohoohoohoo  

Skid: How bout the Matthew Daves band?

Rux: Oh that Matthew Davis, he’s really something’. Hey, I’m not supposed to be championing this record am I?

Skid: Uhhhh I’m not sure, who’s good cop this time?

Rux: I guess I am. I know it’s not you.

Skid: I think we can pretty much rip it to shreds right from the start. Of course we did pull it from your collection.

Rux: I think it’s going to be bad cop/bad cop.

Skid: Which was a really good Eddie Murphy movie.

Rux: One of my favorites. A late 80’s classic!

Skid: There’s a misnomer for ya. Late 80’s classic.

Rux: I will however say this…I like how this record starts straight in. There’s no long, stupid musical introduction or anything.  Straight in lyrics right off the bat. Everything goes.

Skid: Oh so you like that now?

Rux: No, I like that anyway.

Skid: You didn’t like it ten years ago.

Rux: I DO!

Skid: Alright.  So says you.

Rux: That &%*$ record I produced…oh I can’t say that. Strike that.

Skid: Alright, so the Dave Matthews Band…

Rux: I never liked the long intros…on a record I guess sometimes I liked the intros.

Skid: (leaving it alone) Alright. I think that you can safely assume that any band named <Insert Name> Band that it’s going to suck. Edgar Winters Band… Never go to his website, as if you would anyway.  It will shut your computer down in a New York minute. What are those crazy albinos doing?

Rux: Hey man is that albino rock?

Skid & Rux: Well turn it up dude!

Rux: But turn the lights down.

Skid: That’s my favorite producer, Steve Albino.

Rux: Yeah, it seems to be Freddie Katz’s favorite too.

Skid: Really, who’s Katz?

Rux: Have you seen the web board on the Hybrid Magazine they got there? They’re all Patti Rothberg going at it with Ewan?

Skid: Haven’t touched it.

Rux: It’s pretty funny. She wrote in, the album producer wrote in.

Skid: I think that people who hang around on web boards have problems.

Rux: Well, yeah.  As opposed to being healthy and letting their problems out on the masses like you and I.  Hey look, he doesn’t have any lyrics, so he’s just singing “Hey la la”

Skid: For world beat music it’s not so bad. Uhh…get rid of that saxophone.

Rux: I think there’s a saxophonist and a violinist in this band, and then your regular rock guys.

Skid: Now isn’t Dave Matthews actually Johnny Clegg?

Rux: Shhhhh

Skid: Oh, that’s the industry secret?

Rux: I’m going to have to kill you now. No, because Johnny Clegg had a little more what we call ”rhythm.”

Skid: Once Botha got out of power he turned into Dave Matthews.

Rux: Yeah…NO…That first song passed right by.  Maybe it was because there were no real lyrics.

Skid: There were some rhythmic devices.

- what would you say-

Rux: OK, so here’s the single. I think this was the first single.

Skid: Ahhh, some harmonica there. Who’s that? Some John Popper for ya? Oh, this is that God-awful song.  This takes the worst of everything that was the seventies…

Rux: They have a song about you on here called “Dancing Nancy”

Skid: Hey, ya pansy wearing…

Rux: It is John Popper.

Skid: There ya go.

Rux: And guess who does additional vocals on a couple of songs?

Skid: Some sort of recently released mental patient?

Rux: No, Michael McDonald.

Skid: OH, GOD! Hey, their street cred just shot up ten points. Faaaa.

Rux: Steve Lilywhite produced it.

Skid: Well, that’s an unfortunate but fitting name for and an album like this. Lily…White.

Rux: Shuh uh. You know who Steve Lilywhite is. You know what else he’s produced

Skid: Yeah. You Lily hugging white lover. Not offhand.

Rux: And Tom Lord-Alge mixed it.

Skid: You even know the engineers? What would you SAY? That’s the part I hate

Rux: It’s kind of whiney on this part.

Skid: Well besides this “Mom it’s my birthday”. That’s the worst part. I hate that.

Rux: That’s my favorite part.

Skid: Go Matthews, it’s your birthday. And I hate this part. Wait…this is the part I hate the most.  This song bites hard… with the saxophone. This song is eight ways of suck.             

Rux: To misquote Terry Scott Taylor,

Skid: Eight ways of suck?

Rux: No. As this song goes, bites me hard.

Skid: Darn floor, big bite.

Rux: Biiiiig bite. Way to go John, get fat with it.

Skid: John Popper, ladies and gents. Can we hit it and quit? Take it to the bridge, John Popper.

Rux: Can I play?

Skid: John Popper?

Rux: I did. Can I play? Did you hear that newer Stevie Wonder where he goes crazy on the harp? It’s a real nice song. During the bridge he’s like” Can I play? Can I play?” And then he rips into all his harmonica stuff. It’s real nice. What would you say? Production’s real nice.                            

Skid: Hrmph. Hrumummel.

-satellite-

Skid: Here’s the only song I’ve heard from him that I really enjoy. And it’s only this beginning.

Rux: See, I like this whole song. He’s not whiney in it. The melody is nice, there’s some harmonics going on

Skid: I bet I can catch him whining.

Rux: And there’s some real nice guitar playing.

Skid: Yeah. This intro.

Rux: And there’s no extra frilly crap. It’s pretty straight ahead.

Skid: There was nice guitar in the first song but too flashy.

Rux: They came in with this first song, it was straight in and then the whole song turned into an intro because there weren’t really any lyrics. 

Skid: Maybe he’s Johnny Clegg’s brother.

Rux: He could be, because he’s South African. Oh mein Gott in Himmel!

Skid: And he’s a dead ringer for Johnny Clegg though.

Rux: He’s much younger though.

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: His nephew maybe. Let’s go with nephew. We’ll say nephew. If anyone wants to dispute that, you’re welcome to call in.

Skid: Savuka, call us!

Rux: Johnny Clegg is Dave Matthew’s uncle.

Skid: Is that the first piece of misinformation we’ve put in here?

Rux: Today? Oh sure. I think so.

Skid: Ok… we’ll start the count there.

Rux: And I really like that this song stops and restarts itself three or four times.

Skid: Yeah, I haven’t caught him whining yet. Its kind of wussy singing, but it’s nice.

Rux: It’s got all that nice delay on it too.

Skid: I’ll take this over Eddie Vedder…so far.

Rux: But who would you take in a fight? 

Skid: I would take Dave Matthews..

Rux: Really? In a fight?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: With Eddie Vedder?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: You think he’s got some street huh? Some street smarts?

Skid: No, I think he’s nuts, he’s an escaped mental patient. I wouldn’t screw widdim.

Rux: Dave Matthews?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: Nephew of Johnny Clegg? Of  Savuka fame?

Skid: Yes, you heard it here first.

Rux: This is the problem that I have with Dave Matthews, other than the fact that for some reason all the twenty-something girls go crazy for this guy. But yet he’s in every magazine complaining that he can’t get a date.

Skid: What is he, Lyle Lovett?

Rux: No, Lyle Lovett’s got dates. Dude, he could have married Terri Garr.

Skid: He married that over-rated actress who we won’t discuss.

Rux: It’s just background music, you know? There’s nothing here that really wants to grab you. I mean this song makes me listen a little bit.

Skid: I do feel this one in my chest though. Ahem. Oh there, it’s gone.   

Rux: Uhh, that’s just phlegm. Cousin Phlegm. 

Skid: Johnny Phlegm? It’s a nice rocking rhythm. Very soothing to me.

Rux: It’s almost got a light swing to it.

Skid: He should just carbon copy this song over and over.

Rux: That would be your Dave Matthews mix tape? Satellite… about ten times?

Skid: Yes.

Rux: And then Johnny Clegg.       

Skid: And what makes me unique is that I can make a really good mix tape for you. And I have a lot of musical knowledge of trivia.  Some movie trivia but not so much as the music. And what makes me also so… oh what was that other word that I used? Oh, geez.

Rux: Ugga. Is that really how this song ends?

Skid: And so it ends.

- rhyme & reason-

Rux: That’s nice. See now he’s playing John McLaughlin doing all this guitar stuff.

Skid: Well yeah, this one threatens to be nice. I haven’t heard it.

Rux:  You haven’t heard this record other than the radio singles, huh?

Skid: You are correct sir. I don’t buy music I think is kind of OK.

Rux: Hello, everybody! The white whiney blues.

Skid: What’s he got in his mouth?

Rux: Well it’s not marbles.

Skid: He’s been eating potatoes and has starch on the roof of his mouth.

Rux: Peanut Butter.

Skid: I did.  Live. Live.

Rux: Yeah, only without the power.

Skid: Less power.

Rux: 120 volt instead of 220.

Skid: European adapter. European?

Rux:  I am most certainly not…Adapter? I did.

Skid: There’s that sax.

Rux: I don’t really hear the violin.

Skid: He’s very whiney on this. He’s so sensitive. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t get the chicks.

Rux: Maybe we should try to set him up.

Skid: Fix him up? Or set him up?

Rux: Set him up with some girls. Or set him up. I know some girls that would probably go out with him.

Skid: Send him a letter, say meet us at Joe’s. We’ll be there with some blackjacks. I’ve been set up! 

Rux: Someone set us up the bomb. It was a setup from the getgo… yeah…

Both: See!

Skid: I shoulda seen it coming. But I fell for her. And those gams. What a set of pins she had.

Rux: I was trying to explain to the Dutchy last night about gams.

Skid: She knew pins but…drumsticks, baby! I’m the wind!

Rux: So then I got into this discussion about “Where does that come from?” “From the twenties and thirties when women were dames.” “What?” and I said, “You know, dolls” I just kept digging myself a hole. So I pretty much had to leave the room. I just said, “FIRE!”

Skid: Good man. So I’m meeting this little biscuit down here. Man whadda pair of drumsticks she got. What’s Dave Matthews whining about right now?

Rux: Buncha stuff.

Skid: Does he sing with his eyes closed?

Rux: I dunno, the only time I went to go see him live, I sold my tickets for like twice what I paid for them at the gate.

Skid: So you’re a scalper, huh?

Rux: It was completely legal, I was more than hundred feet from the venue.

Skid: TicketBastard, give us a call, I know a scalper.  Oh, wait…you know hunnerds of them. Nevermind.  See TicketMasterÔ,,, they’re in cahoots…ya see…with the…scalpers there.

Rux: Are they ever! He’s trying to get some fire in his belly here.

Skid: Are you buying it?

Rux: “Louisa, take my head off”?

Skid: Is he scaring ya?

Rux: Nah, not so much. Is that the violin?

Skid: Yeah, it’s pretty violent for him to be saying, “Take my head off.” Yeah.

Rux: I love when they include the geese on a record like that.

Skid: The wha?

Rux: Geese.

Skid: Geese, huh?

Rux: All the honking geese flying over like that. It bugs me when geese fly over the studio and imprint themselves on the tape.

Skid: Or on the flannel sleeping bag lining.

Rux: Yeah, how bad do you hate this organ?

Skid: I haven’t been noticing it.

Rux: I didn’t until here when everything else dropped off. I kinda like it with the revolving speaker on the B3 thing.

Skid: The Leslie? That was sort of a song noir.

Rux: La chupacabra! That was the end, I thought it was the beginning of the next song.  

Skid: See how they do? Fits in with all the gams and dames.

- typical situation-

Rux: Have you heard this one? They played this one on the radio.

Skid: Sounds familiar.

Rux: This is a nice one too. This is the one where is says it’s either a difficult or a typical situation.  Dave, call in real quick and let us know the lyrics to this song.

Skid:  Oh, there’s the phone. That must be Dave Matthews. You know, it doesn’t really include the musicians that are playing with you to say Band. You may as well just say Dave Matthews. The terminology is antiquated.

Rux: Remember that experiment I did probably five years ago referring to every band like that? So the Cure was the Robert Smith Band, the Ian Astbury Band, the Pete Townshend Band, The Ian Mcullogh Band, The Ian Gillan Band…oh wait, that was…it. The Ronnie Montrose Band.

Skid: That was…

Rux: More than one.

Skid: Yes. But now it’s the Jerry Garcia Band.

Rux: No it’s not anymore.

Skid: Yes, it is, that’s what I’m talking about.

Rux: Shuh uh.

Skid: They still put music out under Jerry Garcia Band and he’s…uhh…He is still a member, man.

Rux: No, he’s dead.

Skid: He’s there in spirit

Rux: No, he’s dead. He’s way dead.

Skid: Jerry’s still with us, man.

Rux: The more you smoke, the more he’s there.

Skid: Like the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra. That’ll happen with Dave Matthews. He’ll die and they’ll continue on as the Dave Mattthews Band... The Allman Brothers Band should be the Allman Brother Band.

Rux: Lynyrd Skynyrd should not be Lynyrd Skynyrd.      

Skid: What about group? Michael Schenker Group.

Rux: McCauley Schenker Group.

Skid: Michael Schenker Group.

Rux: McCauley Schenker Group.

Skid: McCauley Culkin Group?

Rux: Michael Schenker Group?

Skid: I did! Michael Rowe Dabodashore.

Rux:  Hallelujah! This is a little more avante guard song here. What’s this one called?

Skid: Hmmm…I’ve been slacking. Typical situation.

Rux: Oh, then he doesn’t have to write to us then. It’s Typical, not difficult. Thanks.

Skid: Mmm hmm.

Rux: That’s good… ‘Cause that’s what I been singing all these years. Nice subdued song, you know?  Nothing brash. Nothing to really offend. But to me it’s a really emotional song. And it has these nice dynamics.

Skid: He dances while he sings, dudd’nt he?

Rux: I think he does crazy-leg dances while he’s playing. 

Skid: Does a jig.

Rux: But he plays guitar.

Skid: He’s got a weird placement on his words. And sometimes I guess that’s alright and good.

Rux: The meter’s kind of weird.

Skid: He swallows the end of his lines. They do use odd meters.

Rux: The end of what?

Skid: The end of his lines. Hook line and sinker.

Rux: Who’s playing the flute?   

Skid: I dunno… Some dumb broad.

Rux: You’ll be going to hell for that one. I don’t remember a flute being in here.

Skid: Looks like some broad named Boyd Tinsley.

Rux: Sorry Boyd.

Skid: Sorry Boyd.

Rux: Nice gams.

Skid: Then she walked in…Boyd. A boid.

Rux: Some boid walked in the door.  Said she had a real typical situation.  I said, “Baby, there is no typical situations in my bidness.”

Skid: So maybe instead of The Dave Matthews Band, it could be Dave Matthews and the Receding Hairline.  Or Propecia.

Rux: Have you noticed the comeback of the fifties sounding names like Joe Dalton and the Daltonettes. Bill Bixby and the Bixby Bimbo Bonabades.

Skid: No, only in rockabilly and punk.

Rux: It never went away in rockabilly.

Skid: Yeah, exactly.

Rux: Except when rockabilly went away.  I hear the New Ben Franklins were punkabilly now.

Skid: Hmmm I thought they were Swedish metal-rap.

Rux: Nah, I think they’re done with that.

Skid: That’s gotta be a different Michael McDonald.

- dancing nancies-

Rux: No, that’s the same one.

Skid: Is he just out for hire?

Rux:  Sure. What’s he done lately? 

Skid: I wouldn’t know. I’m sure he’s on some burnout tour.  

Rux: What the fah is this?

Skid: I don’t know… it’s…

Rux: We’ve gotten to the jazz section of the album… where everything’s gotta be dissonant?  

Skid: (sings)This is the end, my friend.

Rux: No, it’s not even like that, it’s making me ill. I wish we had the picture of our faces right there.

Skid: The “what the fuck” look?

Rux: No, that’s the “oh geez, salmonella’s setting in” look.

Skid: Yeah? Oooh, and it just gets better.  Oh this is...no, it’s not Dancing Nancies, that was the last one.

Rux: No, that was Typical Situation.

Skid: Oh, ok, this is Dancing Nancies. That explains it.

Rux: So this is your song.

Skid: If you say so. Truth in advertising though.

Rux: What is with the key switches, man? Like every fuckin’ ten measures.

Skid: It’s five songs that they couldn’t  flesh out to make a full song.

Rux: Oh, it’s a Metallica song.

Skid: They cut and paste it.

Rux: I would rather listen to this twenty-four/ seven than to ever hear Metallica again though.

Skid: This song, you mean.

Rux: No, this record.

Skid: Hmm, still wouldn’t agree.  I’m really done with this song. It sucks.

Rux: So you don’t like it is what you’re telling me.

Skid: No, this is what I was expecting the whole thing to sound like. 

Rux: This is one of those songs that I don’t understand the reason for it. Oh...for the sax solo. That’s why. That splains it, Lucy.  He almost gets some interesting lyrics going once in a while.  But then they go out the window.

Skid: Smooooth jazz.

Rux: I like this one line, “Turn, turn we almost become dizzy.”

Skid: Super.

Rux: Then the rest of these lyrics suck.

Skid: I hate to break it to ya...that one’s not so spectacular either.

Rux: Ya, but I like it. Dude, are these all pictures of Hootie and the Blowfish in the liner notes?   

Skid: (much laughter)

Rux: It’s Hootie and the Blowfish with Johnny Clegg’s nephew.

Skid: (more)

Rux: Sonnabitch, I wondered what happened to those guys.

Skid: Okay, so who would win in a fight, Dave Matthews or...

Rux: Darius Rucker? Dave Matthews.

Skid: Darius Rucker?

Rux: I did! Rucker? You brought her, you rucker!

Skid: This is the avante-guard stuff that you used to hear in the dentist’s office.

Rux: Yeah, it’s not doing anything for me at all. It makes me wait to see Don Johnson walking in with his stupid Pink sport jacket .

Skid: This makes me happy that they’re canceling Baywatch.

Rux: I’m not touching it.

Skid: This makes me happy that they have 99-cent zesty tacos.

Rux: And how ‘bout that new grilled burrito? Zesty, baby. I like this bit at the very end with the Spanish sounding guitar.

Skid: The bitter end.

Rux: Except they’ve got this weird friggin’ dissonant thing going on.  They ruin the whole song with these weird other things. These weird other things going on. You having some problems over there?

Skid: My uh...microphone’s slipping. Seems to be going limp.

-ants marching-

Skid: Ugh! Ahh God! Ohhhh! Urghhhh! I’m alright. This is the song I hate! Honk honk honk honk!

Rux: It’s more geese.

Skid: It is, man.  These are some geeeze. These are some ganders. This is what I hate about Dave Matthews, these awful, weird noises they try to pass off as music.

Rux: (looking at pictures) That’s Melissa.

Skid: Ahh, you guys keep her in a cage, huh?

Rux: Only when she’s at mom’s house. She’s free range any other time.

Skid: Oh, that’s adorable.

Rux: She was saying some funny stuff. So you don’t like the ants marching song, huh?

Skid:  NO.

Rux: It’s making you violently ill?

Skid: I was having some real problems a minute ago. Some difficulties with my motor skills when that all started in. Speaking of your dissonance.

Rux: Pain!

Skid: (unknown gesture) That’s how I feel about it. Askeetbadadoodadweetbadinana

Rux: If Miss Ella Fitzgerald were here….

Skid: Tomorrows my birthday.

Rux: No, that’s the other song you hate.

Skid: Where they goin with this? They don’t like verses, do they? They don’t like bridges or choruses. Yahoo. What’re you doin there?

Rux: Urgelmaggel.

Skid: Oh. Lilywhite likes these drums real loud though.

Rux: He likes them real poppy. Real snappy. Tom Lord-Alge mixed this.

Skid: I don’t know who that is. You’re keeping track of your mixers and engineers?

Rux: Well, the good ones.    

Skid: You knob twiddler.

Rux: There’s no proof, there’s no pictures.  Done yet? Done yet? Done yet?

Skid: Sigh. Honk honk honk honk!

Rux: This is the violin, you can actually hear it and it sucks.

Skid: Well, some interesting bits but ooogh.

Rux: The dit dit dittlit dit dit dootlit

Skid: The little hoe-down there.

Rux: Ya, but the rest of it...

-lover lay down-

Skid: (sigh of relief)

Rux: Here’s more smooth jazz to get that crappy taste outta yer mouth.

Skid: Music like that just makes me feel like the heat of the day. The oppressive sun, the pressure on my skull. And it just makes me want to be trepanned.

Rux: It does, huh?

Skid: Yes, it does.

Rux: I had to listen to some rap the other day...and I can understand why kids are killing each other. Because that made me want to kill people too.

Skid: Ah, so the music is making people violent.

Rux: I wouldn’t exactly call it music.

Skid: Alright, AC/DC mom.

Rux: It’s not he music, it’s the rap. It was making me physically want to choke someone.  Every other word was f’n. F’n ho this, f’n ho that.

Skid: What you got against Ivanho now?

Rux: F’n blahblabla. I always thought that was the stereotype, like the AC/DC mom that it was bad language and subject matter. But now that I’ve heard it for myself after all these years of not having to listen to it, it’s all like that. It’s just total crap. There’s no integrity in that genre anymore.

Skid: Well I wouldn’t know about that, but let’s step back. The rap music made you want to kill kill kill.  The punk rock makes you want to fight fight fight. I think that you are very susceptible and weak-minded. 

Rux: That’s why I listen to Enya, man!

Skid: Most the time, the happy, poppy stuff makes me very angry.

Rux: What about the pop music that isn’t happy?

Skid: Like what? Dave Matthews?

Rux:  No, like the poppier Cure stuff.

Skid: That bugs me when he’s singing a happy song and still whining.  On some sort of medication to even that keel out.

Rux: You’re talking bubblegum pop music, not just like pop-rock kinda rock stuff. The gamut from Backstreet...

Skid: This is some light jazzzzz.

Rux: We need to do a Backstreet Boys record.

Skid: You don’t want to see that. That would make me VERY angry.

Rux: We brought in a punching bag… and a Backstreet Boys album.

Skid: Happy happy stuff, Brittany Spears and that is a given. I’m talking about the stuff that you enjoy...

Rux: Like I listen to all that Britpop. And it isn’t so much happy, some of it’s fairly light but  it’s themed so darkly.

Skid: It’s not happy, but I still don’t like that stuff.

Rux: But does it make you angry?

Skid: No, some of it bugs me but it doesn’t make me angry?

Rux: How bout the Pepsi® commercials?

Skid: No, I like that little girl with Aretha’s voice. Bop ba baba ba...

Rux: But do you like Faith Hill going Bop ba baba ba?

Skid: No.

Rux: Or Brittany Spears doing whatever she does?

Skid: No.

Rux: How bout Bob Dole doing his bit?

Skid: I love you Bob Dole. I have you on my TV.

Rux: A little tiny miniature bigheaded Bob Dole.

Skid: A micro-mini Bob Dole.

Rux: Big heads®, call us.

Skid: Big Heads®, are you still making Big Heads®? I have Bob and Newt Gingrich, I need Ralph Nader.  Send me more.

Rux:  Care of Hybrid Magazine at the PO Box listed below.

Skid: Send Ross Perot. The real Ross Perot.

Rux: He’s got a big head and big ears.

Skid: He’ll fit in a crate.

Rux: He’s a little guy. See, what are they doing here? They got nothing. They have a sax floating above some light drumbeat.

Skid: The audience is hugging.

Rux: Oh yeah that part. I guess if you smoke enough dope, this would be good to see in concert.

Skid: That one will chill ya out.

-jimi thing-

Rux: This is not music to harsh your mellow.

Skid: Jimi thang? Jimi thing?

Rux: Is that this one? Ya ya ya, it is. They played this one on the radio a little bit.

Skid: (sings) Whoa whoa whoa listen to the music. 

Both: Whoa whoa whoa listen to the music. etc. etc.

Skid: Here comes Michael McDonald!

Rux: I think Jimi’s rolling over in his grave. There singing about his thang. His rig.

Skid: They musta read the same article I did. (sings) I keep forgetting we’re not in love anymore.

Rux: This one’s not too bad. It’s got some dynamics at least. Feel good… keep me floating.

Skid: That’s all I have to say.

Rux: I don’t know what that means, but ok. The vocal production is kinda interesting.

Skid: I wouldn’t have expected any Doobie Brothers connection, but there’s two already, if that’s the same Michael McDonald.

Rux: At least two.  This could be a Doobie Brothers song.

Skid: He’s gonna smoke his mind, make him feel betta for a small time. Bra.

Rux: So he’s promoting the smoking of...stuff?

Skid: Apparently.

Rux: Hashish?

Skid: Maybe he’s thinking too hard and smoke’s coming out his ears. Damn hippies.

Rux: He’s burning up the magic smoke? Sometimes I take a Jimi thing just to keep me swinging. Hey would someone please write to us and tell us what this is all about? I mean the whole band. Not just this song.

Skid:  Neither of us are equipped to defend this, honestly.

Rux: There needs to be a twenty –something girl here to defend this.

Skid: Ughh, this is awful. This is the part of the day that I usually start to feel OK. My skull expands into some sense of normalcy and my brain finds it’s own center. And this is undoing all of that. Trying to do some Sting thing.

Rux: It’s not a Jimi thing at all.

Skid: It’s a Sting thing. Before when he was going up that high, I let it go. But on this one it’s bugging.

Rux: I still don’t know what it’s all about. I do like the vocal production though.

Skid: (sings) You don’t have to sell your body to the night.  Look at that, there seems to be a flashing light to indicate that there’s a phone call. How hi-tech is that? (yells after Rux) It’s like the bat signal! Up to the rooftop! Oh, thank God for that lovely saxophone. People of the world, listen to me now. Only pick up your saxophone if you intend to moan on it. Do not scream or wail with it.  (sings) Smooth Operator coast to coast, LA to Chicago.  This next song is an ad for Warehouse records. Oh, I’m sorry that’s whorehouse.

-warehouse-

Here’s one good thing going on. I’m sure they’ll fuck it up.

Rux: (returns) I like when I leave the room because then you say funny funny stuff and I don’t know what it is.

Skid: See there? I said they were going to fuck it up, they fucked it up.

Rux: He started singing… fucked it up. Is it still a bad word if you leave off the F? Because then it’s just ucked up.

Skid: It is ucked up, man. Uckminster Fuller.

Rux: I did!

Skid: The Uckinghams. Forest Ucker. The Superuckers. You ever uck any corn?

Rux: With a K or a C?

Skid: I don’t know. The music here is...

Rux: Going on too long, but I like what they’re doing.

Skid: Yeah, building some creepiness here but ...

Rux: They’re going to uck it up?

Skid: Now here I don’t like the rollicking rhythm that I liked in the other one.

Rux: This drumbeat?

Skid: It’s counteracting what everything else is doing underneath it.

Rux: But now nothing else is doing anything except the vocals and the drums.

Skid: Wha’d he say? I like my chicken Collins?

Rux: He likes it fried from Popeye’s.

Skid: It’s really essential that Dave Matthews include lyrics, because no one can understand an ucking thing he says.

Rux:  I know, he should take after his uncle and enunciate a little better.

Skid: He doesn’t dance as good as Johnny Clegg.

Rux: No, Johnny Clegg did some mighty fine dancing.

Skid: With all the ribbons on his arms.

Rux: He was the rightful Lord of the Dance. Out in the Serengeti. I can do without the cowbell…

Skid: (sings) Ba ba bamba. He doesn’t use complete sentences in here…

Rux: It’s fragment rock.

Skid: It’s fraggle rock.  I don’t like that there are no real stories.

Rux: He’s no Paul Simon. None of this crap makes any sense to me.

Skid:  No it’s all free association. Which is alright once in awhile, but every song?

Rux: (sings) Bop ba babba ba Bop ba babba ba

Skid: (sings) The joy of Pepsi®.

Rux: Dave call the boys at Pepsi®, I think they can use ya.

Skid: (sings)Take a letter, Maria.

Rux: Address it to my life. (sings) Bop ba babba ba Bop ba babba ba. Umm here’s a newsflash for all you people who like Dave Matthews...He’s boring. He’s really boring. Sometimes he’s really really boring.

Skid:  Sometimes he’s annoying.

Rux: And whiney. That’s stolen, whatever that is.

Skid: (sings) Jane says I’m gonna kick tomorrow.

Rux: He’s about as whiney as Perry Farrel.

Skid: I’d say he’s got more talent than Perry Farrel, though.

Rux: Let us not to the marriage of Dave Matthews be confined.

Skid: What’s that other song they’re stealing? That’s going to bug me.

Rux: It’s already bugging me… Besides the police song?  I can’t remember now that the blessed song is over. Thank goodness. God bless us one and all.

-pay for what you get-

Skid: (sings) Layla.

Rux: It is Layla the acoustic version.

Skid: The acoustic, syncopated version.

Rux: Do people actually listen this far into the record? Are we the first two people to ever hear these last two songs?

Skid: I think so. I think everyone’s usually passed out by this time.

Rux: The party’s usually over or they’re so out of their gourd they don’t hear the last two songs?

Skid: Uh huh.  And then the next morning, they wake up and write this song. This is stupid.

Rux: That hurts. He’s trying to do these jazzy vocal things and it’s not working.

Skid & Rux: (sing Layla in its entirety, badly.)

Rux: I think someone is pinching his throat, that’s why he sings so funny. Someone’s choking him.

Skid: He’s got a stoma.

Rux: Homer’s choking him.

Skid: He’s had a tracheotomy.

Rux: (revelation) It’s ucking beat poetry! That’s all it is! To stupid twentysomething preppy hippie rock stuff jazz.

Skid: Uh huh.  And I’ve heard better beat poetry music.

Rux:  Done by William Shatner. This may be the first Pipsqueaks we don’t actually listen to the whole record. It may end right here.

Skid: We listen to so many albums, and listening to this I just feel insulted. They’re trying to get something past us. And obviously it’s getting past someone.

Rux: Nobody ever makes it this far. If everybody listened to the end of the album first, this guy wouldn’t sell any albums.

Skid: The ending’s always written first.

Rux: Surprise surprise, you pay for what you get.

Skid: There’s nothing you can do to this music except sit on the couch, baked.

Rux: And by baked we mean in the cooking sense. The phone rang while he was writing this and now he’s including that conversation.

Skid: He’s OK. I’m OK.

Rux: And I wish they would stop crushing his balls like that. This would be good music to be retarded to .

Skid: Yeah, its a rocking side to side rather than...

Rux: Headbanging?

Skid: I think this is office lady music.

Rux: Middle-aged?

Skid: Ah, late twenties, early thirties maybe.

Rux: Wire frame glasses, or cat glasses?

Skid: Matthew, Matthews, and Clegg, can I help you?  Was that it? Was that 34?

-#34-

Rux: No this is.

Skid: Here’s #34

Rux: This is actually track 34 on the CD. Clever.

Skid: It was clevererer when Tool did it.  The sax is actually playing decent here.

Rux: Because it’s doing the jazz thing not trying to be in a semi-rock context.

Skid: It’s like Kenny H.

Rux: Kenny I

Skid: Preparation J.

Rux: Preparation K.

Skid: ELO ELP ELQ.

Rux: MSG… not just for Chinese food anymore.

Skid: Michael Schenker Group.

Rux: I did.

Skid: There’s no lyrics. Just instrumental jazz.

Rux: Shite. We’ve heard a couple records where at the end they throw on a sleep track.

Skid: The hypnotrack.

Rux: Pearl Jam did it.

Skid: Ahhh.

Rux: Tool did it.

Skid: Ohhh. Bees do it.

Rux:  Lets do it.

Skid: Hey, he switched saxes.  What was the guy what plays two saxes at once?

Rux: Rasaan Roland Kirk. And the guy from Morphine.

Skid: Awwww.

Rux: Not the dead guy.

Skid: When’s he gonna put out something new?

Rux: Mark Sandman? He’s dead.

Skid: If there’s a rock n roll heaven...

Rux: Of course Jerry Garcia’s dead

Skid: They’re going to have one hell of a band. Enter Sandman.

Rux: They were forecasting the future, man.

Skid: And his comic book was pretty cool too.  Ladies and gentleman, there’s no song. Just the same thing over and over.

Rux: No that was different.

Skid: That’s what they want you to think. We’ve heard it three times already. You’ve been hypnotized and don’t remember.

Rux: This review is done.

Both: This interview is over.

Skid: So when we play the tape back, we’re going to be saying the same three phrases over and over. And we’ll have cracked their code. This interview is over. You’re fired.

Rux:  I don’t think this is going to be one where we lose our jobs.

Skid: I don’t think this is going to be one where anyone reads it.

Rux: No one listens this far on the album; nobody’s going to read this far in the review.

Skid: Hippies suck

Rux: Yeah, kill all hippies.

Skid: Die, ya damn dirty spoonbending hippies. Oh, I’m working on a few new drinks. There’s already the dirty hippie, so I’m going to make the damn dirty hippie, the frumpy housewife, and the disgruntled postal employee...

Rux: Oh, that’s gonna be good. I can already taste it.

Skid: How about the bass players clogs?

Rux: For a drink name?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: Alright. Satellite. This is like the reprise of the entire record...in jazz form. This interview is over.

Skid: And who wouldn’t?

Final scores: Johnny Clegg 10 / Michael Schenker 6

Better hippie band than Dave Matthews: Bland Lemo

Better Jazz-Rock than Dave Matthews: Spyno-Gyno

Better Worldbeat than Dave Matthews: Raffi