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From the dense jungles of Suburban Detroit City, home of rock and punk rock and soul and punk soul and rock… By special arrangement with Kacky Thope, this months honorary Pipsqeak… Thanks for the request, schmoopie oopens

Remember to write with all comments and suggestions and such! Upstarts@hybridmagazine.com

.

Violent Femmes

-blister in the sun-

Rux: Upstart Pipsqueaks… Pipsqueak Upstarts. I’m Rux.

Skid: I’m Skid

Rux: And you are listening… or reading… Upstart Pipsqueaks.

Skid: On Hybrid Magazine… Dot com!

Rux: Hi and welcome back everybody. It’s nice to see you. It’s a beautiful day in my neighborhood.  It’s bloody hot.

Skid: You can’t see any of them. We’re doing this little thing we call the Violent Femmes.

Rux: Which literally translated means: The Violent Girls.

Skid: I think it’s pretty much just a play on words. I think its just kind of the opposite of the gentlemen. How do you like that? The Gentle Men… are coming.

Rux: The Bubbleheads are coming.

Skid: We’ve got a little folk-punk here… as they like to call it.

Rux: You know… this was like ’85, eh?

Skid: Or earlier, like ’83. You’ve got the thing.

Rux: I don’t know where I put it.

Skid: If it was up your ass, you’d know.

Rux: I’m not even dignifying that with an answer.

Skid: -Bing-  So, you’ve got your 3 piece band. 20 year old kid playing the guitar and writing the words. Jazz drummer and bass player there.

Rux: I think these guys were the first ones to really take a very backwoods country ethic and try to do punk rock with it.

Skid: Well, there was country punk, but this really had its own thing going on.

Rux: Well, folk punk then. How’s that? You know, the drum kit consists of a kick, a snare and a hi-hat…

Skid: Bucket. And a bucket.

Rux: A bucket. Brian Ritchie playing terrible sounding bass guitar.

Skid: You don’t like his bass playing, huh?

Rux: No, I think he’s a great bass player. It’s just that tone-wise its not all that perfecto… And then of course Gordon playing that crazy acoustic guitar which was unheard of at this time. Everything else going on at this time was all beep beep beep.

-kiss off-

Skid: Yeah. That was “Blister in the Sun”. Which got far too much play. It was all right.

Rux: Speaking of getting too much play…

Skid: There were people that were trying to do this sort of thing and make it different. But these guys made it sound good. They made it listenable. There was Beat Happening and…

Rux: Oh yeah. I’d forgotten about that. There was the Go-Betweens… but that was later than this.

Skid: They do it all the time, yeah yeah. Do it all the time.

Rux: Okay… let me count the number of Violent Femmes songs off of this record that I have covered in bands.

Skid: All right. Go ahead. Start.

Rux: One. Two. Three.

Skid: Your permanent record.

Rux: Four. Five. Six… Six! Half of the album.

Skid: Allright, we could have just done yours. This is all recorded pretty lo-fi. There’s no overdubs. They recorded everything straight over and over until they got it right.

Rux: Probably so. Pretty much seems like it most of the way through. Its pretty artistic… autistic.    

Skid: Autistic, huh? Definitely. Definitely Violent Femmes. Definitely K-mart.

Rux: This is the kind of music that you really want to play for your girlfriend’s parents when you meet them for the first time. That way… you get the shock value out of the way and everything is good after that.

Skid: Yep.

Rux: It’s kind of like your punk rock swimming music.

Skid: And you know, he’s got the geeky whiny voice, but it doesn’t bother you. It doesn’t bother a guy.

Rux: It doesn’t bother me so much. It’s no Jane’s Addiction Perry Farrell making me want to choke him and me. What are those things called? Harmonies?

Skid: Harmony.

Rux: A little bit of harmony-ish things happening there. That is the most perfect ending of all time.

Skid: I like the buzzing.    

Rux: Lots of buzzing and it’s just like… blllckthackmaaaccghhhh. How do you spell that? hwalthhpagggghhh…

Skid: I don’t know.

-please do not go-

Rux: YES! Thank you Los Angeles! But I don’t know where Brian Ritchie learned how to play bass guitar. They are all like these blues walks, but they are 2 strings too high to be blues. We should really be drinking whiskey to do this review right… and not just a little… whiskey.

Skid: Do you have any?

Rux: Do I have whiskey? Do I have whiskey the man asks…

Skid: Well, do you… punk? … I hear a little of this as acoustic Jam.

Rux: By jam, you mean the band by the name of the Jam?

Skid: Yes, THE Jam, as in Paul Weller.

Rux: Pre-suck Paul Weller.

Skid: Yes. Only more of Paul Weller with a sense of humour.

Rux: (makes weird noises singing along with crazy Gordon) Yes. I think these guys probably have a pretty good sense of humor.

Skid: I think maybe the bass lines remind me of Foxton.                                         

Rux: Of Boston?

Skid: Foxton. Yeah… It’s more than a feeling.

Rux: Yeah… They’ve kind of got that movement that he had a little bit. We need to do All Mod Cons.

Skid: Think people would show up for it?

Rux: Yep.

Skid: Do you?

Rux: Yep.

Skid: Oh really?

Rux: Yep.

Skid: So you do.

Rux: Yep.

Skid: All right then.

Rux: That’s my favorite part… the bass solo, ladies and gentlemen. Courtesy of my friend and yours, crazy, ugly big-nosed Brian Ritchie. Brian Ritchie, give us a call! Have your lawyers give us a call… for defamation of character. do we have a winner for our coloring contest yet?

Skid: I believe we do… (laughter) It’s unanimous.

Rux: This year’s coloring contest was a rousing success, ladies and gentlemen. The Bill Hames Carnival shows wins!

(laughter)

I think that these lyrics are pretty much lyrics that people of pretty much any generation can empathize with also… Of course, the older generations don’t want to listen to it in this exact form, but you know… it’s all pretty universal feelings.

Skid: Oh yeah? Do you feel that way right now?

Rux: Yeah.

Skid: Would you like to talk about it?

Rux: Yeah. Really, I would.

Skid: When did that all begin.

Rux: Really about a year ago now. 11 months ago. October 6, actually. October 6th of the year 2000.

Skid: This is music that the boy punks and the girl punks can all enjoy.

Rux: How about the baby punks?

Skid: The baby punks would like it. They’d go in for it in a big, big way.

Rux: It’s baby punk lullaby.

Skid: Oh yeah.

-add it up-

Rux: This one is not baby punk lullaby. I get angry…

Skid: Do you?

Rux: Oh no… I will walk, and I will play…

Skid: Is this your favorite?

Rux: I think my favorite is like the second to last… Good Feeling. That’s the one that I really enjoyed covering the most, the one I’ve done most. Oh remember, remember, remember… we used to do Country Death Song… off of Hallowed Ground… in that one band.

Skid: That must have been after you kicked me out… (laughs)

Rux: No, because the Panda liked to play the bass line… My mom really likes this song.

Skid: What? Your mom likes this? Is it some sort of Oedipal thing with you?

Rux: No, My MOM likes it. I don’t like it… My mom does.

Skid: Oh yeah… I know she does.

Rux: What are you saying about my mom.

Skid: Hey, I’m just saying she likes this song.

Rux: And I can dig it. (tries to beep out the bad words, and then beatboxes) He gets ANGRY… and he will say that the day is in his sights when he takes a bow and says goodnight.

Skid: I’m just glad that they could make it out of Milwaukee, you know? Anyone that can make a living doing their music, I’m just very happy for most of them.

Rux: They’re from Milwaukee?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: Mil-a-wa-kay? Which in the Native American means something, according to Alice Cooper?

Skid: Is Weezer really from Wisconsin? Or is that just for the video.

Rux: That may be, I don’t know. They have gotten more boring over the years though. That much I know.

Skid: Do you understand the sexual innuendo of “don’t shoot shoot shoot that thing at me”? Are you with him?

Rux: Yeah. I think this would be a very good time to go join our club at Yahoo clubs dot com or whatever. Since there has been a lot of talk about that sort of thing.

Skid: Super.

Rux: With the “Yummy yummy yummy I got love in my tummy”.

Skid: Yeah. Good discussion on there with the bubblegum music  and how it relates to sexual topics.

Rux: Over 18 only please. What’s the address for that?

Skid: I have no idea. It’s under anti-pop.          the upstart pipsqueaks monthly club thingy

Rux: All right. There really could have been maracas in this song. But thank God there was not.

Skid: There could have been castanets.

Rux: Now everyone loves castanets. I can stand behind that.

Skid: He’s a little edgy.

Rux: Oh yeah. He’s on the edge.

Skid: He’s ready to blow.

Rux: If you know what I mean… oh here it is! He’s going crazy. He’s going crazy… He’s adding it up. He’s got the calculator out and he’s going crazy. Crazy Gordons house of used cars… if we can’t sell you a car, no one can!

Skid: He’s the operator of his pocket calculator. they do good with the dynamics, with the stop and starts. I do like that.

Rux: Now here… I’m going to step out on a limb like I like to do so much… I’m going to step out on a limb and I’m going to say that the Violet Femmes paved the way for groups like Uncle Tupelo.

Skid: To go nowhere?                                                       

Rux: Yes… to break up and form Son Volt and Wilco.

(laughter)

Skid: All right then.

-confessions-

Rux: You know, the whole country rock thing that went on in the mid ‘90’s and continues today.

Skid: I don’t hear that much country in it.

Rux: In this? Or in Uncle Tupelo.

Skid: In this. I don’t listen to that Uncle Tupelo. Or is it Uncle Tom I don’t listen to… No wait. Uncle Kracker I don’t listen to.

Rux: No U.N.K.L.E.

Skid: Oh yeah. The band from U.N.K.L.E. Say uncle, uncle.

Rux: What year was this? since we got the slow down…

Skid: Yeah. ’83… and some of them were recorded in ’82.

Rux: Wow. I didn’t hear this record until about ’85… when the second record came out.

Skid: The gospelly one?

Rux: Yes. Hallowed Ground.

Skid: Hallowed ground. And then he did the Mercy Seat.

Rux: It was him?

Skid: Yeah, he was in it… He was not the singer though.

Rux: Okay… here’s my advice to anyone reading this: Unless you like really obscure stuff, do not listen to the Brian Ritchie solo albums. The Victor DeLorenzo ones are okay though… or is it the other way around?

Skid: What was the album, the Peter Corey Sent Me or something?

Rux: Yeah, I think that was Victor DeLorenzo. The drummer.

Skid: You’re not so crazy about it?

Rux: That was the one I didn’t like? So the Brian Ritchie ones are kinda OK. There was some weird stuff on them, but Victor wasn’t so great. Feel free to call us.

Skid: Maybe he just looks like one of the Jam… like Bruce Foxton with his “mod” haircut.

Rux: What about that crazy shirt Brian Ritchie is wearing? How do you like that?

Skid: He thinks he’s in The Church or something.

Rux: How do you like my paisley shirt? Ahhh, he’s going to hack hack hack hack it apart.

Skid: It’s like Gordon Gano doing the Tom Waits.

Rux: Heh heh. I think this paved the way for Tom Waits.

Skid: To drive to Burma-Shave.

Rux: Did Tom Waits start before this?

Skid: I should say so.

Rux: You should. By how many years?

Skid: Decade at least.

Rux: Really? He started that early? Send in your Tom Waits trivia questions, folks.

Skid: The first one I have of his is like ’72. But that’s neither here nor there.

Rux: Wow. I had no idea.

Skid: I would imagine that he had been playing music prior to recording that album.

Rux: Wow. I had no idea. Garble sharp pepper blister sun orange yellow green blue copper.

Skid: Blue ripples dripped about his mouth. The warm warbles of his words falling down his shirt and into his pants pockets onto the street below.

Rux: That’s not my pants pocket. Gulp! I’m going to hack hack hack hack it apart.

Skid: Now as soon as you hear country, you let me know.

Rux: Well this song now is not so. Oh, now they’re talking about the army making you a big macho guy.

Skid: They got folk, punk, and blues. I don’t hear country though.

Rux: Aw c’mon.

Skid: Where’s that whiskey?

Rux: Oh yeah, I’ll go get that.

Skid: So he’s playing violin in here somewhere.

Rux: Gordon is?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: Nice. Thank you, Gordon. It’s too bad you’re not as good looking as the violin player from Nickel Creek.

Skid: Oh, Nickel Creek violin player, call us.

Rux: Oh please call us. Send photos. For those of you who need to reach us, its upstarts@hybridmagazine.com.

Skid: You just spoke a link into the page, you sneaky...

Rux: It’s magic! Look what I built.

Skid: Click here! http://www.ilovebacon.com I get a nickel every time you do!

Rux: Hey, we need to set that up.

Skid: What?                                                                        

Rux: The whaddya call ‘em? Click through. Click in. Click guy. Click click clickety click click click. Hocka choocka choocka magic smoke.

Skid: He’s trying to come off as being disturbed here.

-prove my love-

Rux: It’s spelled Bob, but it’s pronounced  “throat warbler mangrove.”

Skid: See the guy...you can hear he’s beating on a...

Rux: COUNTRY!

Skid: He’s beating on a tin bucket thing.

Rux: Whacka doo whacka doo. Whacka doo whacka doo. Whacka doo whacka doo.

Skid: Country right there, huh?

Rux: N da n da n da n da n da n da. See, I think he’s kinda angry at the girl.

Skid: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the Jam paved the way for the Violent Femmes as well as many other fine and crappy bands as well even.

Rux: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the Who paved the way for the Jam to pave the way for all those other fine and crappy bands.

Skid: Alright then.

Rux: That’s not much of a limb really. Hey, can I completely off topic here? Not like I’m always on topic. The new Vast record is good, my friend.

Skid: V.A.S.T.?

Rux: Yeah. Except now it’s just Vast.

Skid: They dropped the period?

Rux: Yeah.

Skid: They’re out of period?

Rux: They’re out of periods. Every...it’s like so...the way he’s got the songs arranged it’s really disturbing. Because one song is about not being able to live without the girl. The next one is about how he’s free because the girl’s finally gone. It’s really good. I highly recommend it if you’ve just broken up with someone or about to break up with someone or if you think you would just like to experience the feeling of breaking up with someone.  I think it’s called “Music For People” .

Skid: I have an imaginary friend I’d like to break up with. How would that work? Would you recommend it?

Rux: Yes, wholeheartedly. Click here to break up with your imaginary friend.

Skid: How ‘bout Violent Femmes and Velvet Underground?

Rux: See, I was going to steer clear of that.

Skid: Some of these background vocals, I just can’t help it.

Rux: And I bet the violin playing is just bad enough to be reminiscent of John Cale.

Skid: Huh, alright. It’s bad huh? You don’t like John Cale?

Rux: Oh, man. At the beginning he was almost as bad on violin as Moe Tucker was on drums.

Skid: That’s sumpin, innit?

Rux: But we did see John Cale play piano not too many years ago opening for Souxie and the Bansh...er the Creatures.

Skid: You’re right. I was amazed.

Rux: He was very good. And blonde.

Skid: I dropped my jaw.

Rux: He was very Germanic. Very Nico, baby.  This music makes me wanna skank. Without the ska beat. Thank you, Gordon.

Skid: He’s a fun guitar player. I don’t know how good he is except that he’s better than I am.

Rux: I don’t know how good he is either, he’s so sloppy it’s beautiful.

Skid: Yeah, but great tunes.

Rux: Oh yeah, for like the first three records, and then I don’t know what happened.

Skid: Well, you kind of run out of tunes.

Rux: Well then they did a couple of crappy records. And then that great record, the one with “American Music” on it. Why Do Birds Sing. Or fly or something. NICE!

Skid: Mmmm hmmm. That vocal swell?

Rux: OK, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the Turtles paved the way...

Skid: Oh, fer...

Rux: Not the Turtles, the other guys.

Skid: The Turtles paved the way for the Cure, man.

Rux: Oh, yeah...I’m waiting to hear your discourse on that.

Skid: You’ve heard it for years. What are you talking about?

Rux: No, I’m waiting to hear it.

Skid: The whiny psychotic vocals… the androgynous: is he or isn’t he.

Rux:  Yeah, well that.

Skid: We know about Flo and Eddie. Which, by the way, what’s the deal with Gordon?

Rux: Gordon Gano?

Skid: Yeah.

Rux: He’s a boy.

Skid: He’s a Violent Femme. Is he or isn’t he?

Rux: He’s a boy.

Skid: Yeah, and?

- to the kill -

Rux: Here’s the electric guitar part of the album.

Skid: Making a bunch of silly noises there. Farting.  I can see how parents would be threatened by this guy. He’s weird.

Rux: He’s kind of a free thinker. The lyrics on this record aren’t really deep so much, but they’re a little subversive at times.

Skid: You don’t know where he’s going. He’s like the wind. You never know. He’s like a caged animal. You don’t want to look him in the eye.

Rux: Goathead, he said. Goathead to the kill. (whispers) I think those boys were on drugs.

Skid: Hmmm, so...is he?

Rux: A boy.

Skid: Is he, you know.

Rux: A boy. Yes, he is a boy.

Skid: Such a nice boy.  Do we know his parents? Where do we know him from again?

Rux: That’s a nice Italian name, Gano.

Skid: So his name is Gay-no, is he gay?

Both: NO!

Skid: I think that’s part of the rebellion; people like to talk about it and that. Boy George, he wasn’t gay.

Rux: Now you’re skating on the thin ice. In July. Goathead! To the kill. I can see how this music with the discord and some of the way that things fit together would make people uptight. A lot of the punk rock makes me a little edgy. This doesn’t so much. It does, but it doesn’t push me to that violent point.

Skid:  Well some of the avant garde stuff makes me edgy. And this doesn’t.

Rux: So this is the happy medium that won’t make you kill others.

Skid: Well apparently it won’t make US. Maybe it will make someone. It will hit them just right. That target market. Like the Beatles were talking to Manson from across the ocean. Sending him messages.

Rux: Oooh, and on the new Vast record there’s this one song that I can’t help but sing “Yellow Submarine” to.  And another song that he stole from either Fiction 8 or Front 242, I can’t quite figure it out. Its a real nice record.  Nice job, David Daniel Danny whatever your Vast name is. Dobie Gillis.

Skid: The band here seems to be with him.

Rux: It’s alright. Hey, remember that Dobie Gillis song?                             

Skid: Yes, I do.

Rux: Drift Away?

Skid: Shuddup. They all do some singing on here.

-gone daddy gone-

Skid: Here’s my favorite.

Rux: You like the marimba?

Skid: Xylophone.

Rux: Whatever. Xylophone, marimba. You say plastic, I say metal. Now this is my next go out on a limb. These guys paved the way for Treat Her Right.

Skid: Alright, the spirituality part of it?

Rux: Well that and the folk-ness.

Skid: The sounds of folk-ness.

Rux: I think Treat Her Right paved the way for Uncle Tupelo.

Skid: I thought they...no.

Rux: I should get a job with the department of highways because everyone seems to have paved the way for someone else.

Skid: If we just keep paving we’ll get there. So who’s going to tear the road up? That’s what I want to know.

Rux: Iggy Pop. Oh, he paved the way for all kinds of crap but then he tore it all the hell up.  Oh, he tore it up real good.

Skid: Let’s tear it up real good. I like Gone Daddy Gone just for the beat references.

Rux: And the crazy xylophone solo. That’s gotta be Brian Ritchie.

Skid: You gotta hand it to Richie. He’s doing a good job there. It makes it very memorable.

Rux: Everybody knows this song. Everybody knows two songs off this record. Maybe three.

Skid: OK, but the part about no overdubs, I guess I’m wrong because how is he going to play the xylophone while he plays the bass?

Rux: There’s definitely overdubs.

Skid: I take it all back. I was wrong and I can admit it.

Rux: With some of these songs there aren’t.

Skid: That’s the information I got.

Rux: No overdubs on the whole record?

Skid: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense now.

Rux: Someone was pulling your chain.

Skid: Someone was misinformed, and it was me. It is pretty creepy, and I like that.

Rux: Spooky.

Skid: He’s definitely a threat. He’s a man to be reckoned with.

Rux: He’s out of his bloody mind.

Skid: So...is he?

Rux: He’s a boy. Definitely a boy. Yeah, he’s a boy. Tony Randal, a boy.

Skid: That’s all a ruse.  There it is, my favorite song.

-good feeling -

Rux: This is my favorite song. One of the best parts, not the best part, but one of the best parts of this album is it’s over before you are ready. It’s moved so fast. This will be on my greatest hits of all time record. This song. Right next to that Morphine song that I like so good.

Skid: You like this better than Morphine?

Rux: I like this different than Morphine. It’s similar, but different.

Skid: Similar how? It’s a completely different mood to me.

Rux: Well you’re not paying attention then at all.

Skid: Right

Rux: (sings) A good time we have to find a bed if you know what I mean. And I don’t know what that means, but I like it. There’s the violin. It’s like 8 times better than John Cale ever was.  It’s artful. It ain’t no fiddlin’.

Skid: He does...where you going? He does play a little fiddle on Sixteen Horse Power.

Rux: John Cale?

Skid: No,  Gordon.

Rux: Really? My friend Kevin and David? Is there only one.

Skid: Sixteen Horsepower?

Rux: Nice strange fellows there, speaking of Calvinism.

Skid: Kevin and David are Calvinists?

Rux: Mmm, that’s my favorite ice cream.

Skid: And they’re the same dude?

Rux: Yeah...no. I think David might be a Calvinist type thing. Not quite Calvinism but the other thing kind of like that.

Skid: Amish?                                                                      

Rux: No, that’s Calvinism. Extratripiculinism?

Skid: I’ll go out on a limb here and say that the Amish are really in charge of the New World Order. They’re running things. They own the banks. And since none of them are on the computer now, I have no regrets saying that. Come and get me, ya Amish!

Rux: They’re watching.

Skid: Come on, Quakers! Quaker oats...

Rux: I did!

Skid: Wilferd Brimley, come after me, I dare ya.

Rux: Is he Amish?

Skid: I don’t...he’s the Quaker Oats guy.

Rux: Oh, that’s true. He’s not Amish.

Skid: Wilferd...he’s an Amish diabetic, now what?

Rux:  How do you like that?

- ugly -

Skid: Bonus tracks. This one is called “Ugly”

Rux: Yeah these were not on the original album. Not on my LP.

Skid: Hand claps! I’ll go out on a limb here...

Rux: We have built an entire tree.

Skid: I’m going to say that Iggy Pop paved the way for handclaps.

Rux: Iggy Pop did?

Skid: Oh yeah.

Rux: The British American?

Skid: British American? I never heard that one. Alright.

Rux: Well you go to all these Britpop things and they always end up playing an Iggy Pop song. And newsflash, Iggy Pop is not British.  You’re thinking of Bowie.

Skid: There was a big discussion on one of those web boards. Some 17 year old was complaining that we weren’t giving the British props for inventing punk. And he got torn to hell.

Rux: Well I should hope so. I get a kick out of 16-year-old kids wearing “Punk is not dead” shirts.  Excuse me, punk was dead before you were born.

Skid: I like the British. I like some snottiness in my punk. Punk rock was invented in Detroit in 1968 by Iggy Pop and Wayne Kramer.

Rux: Oh, yeah. Wayne Kramer, baby. It was furthered by Mike Watt and what’s the guy from Dead Kennedys guy?

Skid: Jello.

Rux: Jello B Afro.

Skid: That’d be a great rap name.

Rux: One point: Rux. Jello B Afro: no points.

Skid: That’s it. I’m changing my name. Jello B Afro.

Rux: Get it Gordon.

Skid: Now why did they leave that song off?

Rux: Now this car...this song...this car was on the third record I think.

-gimme the car-

Skid: Gimme the car, I love this song.

Rux: This may be the sloppiest guitar playing on the record. He’s got some like things to do with some other person.  In the car.                             

Skid: He sounds a little agitated. 

Rux: Wibblibble ooooh. The bass is playing the solo part. Lead bass. Yeah? Oh. I think we all know where this is going. You don’t want to play this for the parents. Kids, don’t play this for your parents.

Skid: This is our little secret. Don’t tell you parents. Touch her all over her body.

Rux: Hee hee. He’s going to touch her all over her body.

Skid: That’s almost obsidian.

Rux: Obsidian? So simple, and yet so much depth.  It’s very nicely orchestrated chaos really.

Skid: Take note, kids, don’t learn to play those guitars too well.

Rux: You don’t need to be Ing-vee Malmsteem.

Skid: Yngwie F-ing Malmsteem.

Rux: The reason Hendrix was a great guitar player is because he could not play clean guitar. It’s so sloppy that it’s beautiful.  Jimmy Page… sloppy.

Skid: It’s an awkward gracefulness.

Rux: Eric Clapton when he was good… sloppy.

Skid: Gotta be organic. Gotta be keepin’ it rail.

Rux: Yeah, you don’t want to get it from the normal supermarket bins. It’s got to be specially grown.

Skid: Free range guitar. We need this on video. That’s the very next phase.

Rux: Electric banana?

Skid: Forget the radio. We’re going to cable access.

Rux: Speaking of which, our good friend “Gil” has been surgery bound...bed bound. She’s been watching all these cooking shows and I actually watched some the other day and I said to myself... i said to her actually, “Skid and I need to cooking show.” Because it would be 3 parts cooking and 97 parts fighting. It would be the best cooking show in the world.

Skid: I saw Dom Delouise on Conan. He was supposed to be doing a cooking segment. Got no cooking done whatsoever. It was like Jonathon Winters took over his body. And he was pouring beer down his pants. It was funny, but it was really sad.

Rux: But if you and I were doing it, it would be funny.

Skid: Yeah. Well yeah.

Rux: I told you 2 tablespoons. It’s burning its burning its burning!         

Skid: Speaking of Dom Delouise, is he?

Rux: Boy. Dom Delouise is a boy.

Skid: Dom Delouise is a big ol’ boy. OK, Paul Prudhomme.

Rux: I’ll get back to you. Gay.

Skid: Have you ever seen Dom Delouise and him in the same place?

Rux: No.

Skid: It’s the same guy!

Rux: Same guy.

Skid: He’s only Dom Delouise when he’s drunk. He turns into Captain Chaos.

Rux: It’s his big alter-ego.

Skid: We don’t speak about HIM.

Rux: Don’t forget to check out our new side page, Fun With Marco Pironni. Where Marco Pironni from Adam & The Ants joins us every month on a new sort of crazy madness.

Skid: Send in your suggestions. Your taunts, your barbs.

Rux: Yes, send us what you want Marco to talk about or do. write about… or do.

Skid: Thank you, gentle men.

What tree we built: Mighty mighty oak… once a nut like you.

Swear words (conventional) : 1

Ganos: 12

Ratio of swearing to Ganos: 1 to 12

Roads paved: